Putting it back together, but SSM issues linger

[Accuray]

Adinva,

Thank you again, you really speak to me. I really think that you have a lot in common with my W, but you are able to articulate for me what she cannot, and your perspective helps me to understand her.

For me, I would give up on having a super-fulfilling sex life if I had all the other good things about my marriage and family. I rate it lower on the priority scale. It would be nice to have it all AND a great sex life but I'm not driven to achieve that. I've been very happy with a B+ sex life and a fantastic rest of my life. What's driving your quest for more?

Your drive to have it all AND a great sex life with a woman who feels sure she cannot and will not provide it for you. What's that about?

Good question! Before the bomb, I was 100% resigned to accepting what I was getting and did not question it.

After the bomb, my world was turned upside down. I had to question everything about my approach to the relationship. I read a complete library of relationship books, sought IC, did DB telephone coaching, etc.

This learning experience was eye-opening. It showed me that we do not have to "settle for mediocre", and in fact the minute we do, we are starting a slowly rotating downward spiral.

I had to work very hard to get W back to the table and re-engaged -- my 180's are very real and painfully gained. We have the "B" marriage now -- why should I be happy with that?
If I'm going to go through the gut-wrenching pain, why not come out with the "A" marriage?

Does that make sense? I acknowledge it's part of my personality too, I'm a driver.

Can you be OK with just this better-than-before sex life?

I don't know. I'm afraid it will start to lead to small resentments, and when it does, it will start a negative cycle. That's starting to happen already. If I knew how to kill my sex drive I would, as that would be the other solution.

Why are you hitting her over the head with her failings in Giving and Joining if her Receiving is going well? And by the way, she IS giving in her way. She's doing something with you and for you simply because it's important to you and makes you feel good...how much more giving can you get? And, ok I haven't read the book, but isn't the act itself Joining you? Your quest for perfection is a put-down of everything she's brought to the table so far.

Point taken, I need to grow up. I see how my attitude is hurtful. The dilemma is that I need to settle for what I'm getting and feel good about it, and the "feel good about it" is the part I'm having a problem with. I will talk to my IC about that this week and see if she has any advice.

You've got a wife who is willing to do something to make you happy. Let her know it made you happy. You've been successful with setting a weekly/twice-weekly goal that she's willing to try for, and that's good. I would have thought prescribing the number of times would be too much pressure but if she's OK with it then why not formalize it a big more, like Wednesdays are for you and any other day is her call. That way you don't create the pressure of "it's Friday and it hasn't happened yet, when's it going to happen?"

I definitely do let her know it made me happy. Does this contribute pressure? Does this make her feel it's all about sex? I don't prescribe the number of times, I've just told her twice per week is the frequency I like. She was doing that initially, but has dropped down to once.

I'll come back to the fact that you have a square peg you're trying to pound into a round hole, and if you can't live on the sex she's offering now, and it's more important than the rest of the life you built together, move on.

If it's enough, then stop trying to force her to like it more - take what she's offering and take your pleasure from it. You can try things here and there just for fun, but stop thinking of it as for her own good. Respect her view of her own good, which is she's just fine without sex.

Solid advice. The "can I live with it" question is the one I'm wrestling with every day.

Accuray, I think you're doing great and have a lot of hope for you. Cherish what you have and you'll seem less needy. Go for small increments toward your goal. Recognize her willingness and interest as a VERY big compromise for someone who couldn't care less about sex.

Yep, thanks for talking some sense into me. I don't want to be "this guy". I don't want to be frustrated and set unreasonable expectations for W -- I love her. How do I not want more and be happy with what I have? The pushing for improvement is such a part of my personality -- it's good in many ways but definitely has bad side-effects too. I know that if I say I'm satisfied but don't really believe it I won't be happy. This is a tough one.

Accuray