I'm not suggesting you try to involve yourself with H's DD. Just like if you were dating someone with a young child, involving yourself with the child should only come with a very strong, clear, commitment to a long-term monogamous R.
Right now you don't just have a WAS, you have a WAS+1, that simply is who he is.
So, I'm not asking you to think in terms of what could be, rather just reframe your picture of what is. At least *think* about what you find so hard about calling her H's DD. I think you know enough to recognize those things that we resist are often those that are most important to look at.
BTW, I think you are helping A LOT of people on these boards. Strong detachment, letting go, going quickly to LTR. These are things people here need to do more of. People who find their way to these boards for the most part aren't in shaky marriages in which they need to ask for what they want and look for baby steps. Instead, their marriages are in major crisis with the WAS already emotionally D or nearly emotionally D. The LBSs going through this major trauma need to skip to the end of DR. Working through the earlier chapters that might have helped a few years earlier often just puts the nails in the coffin of the M.
Doing what works for you, detaching, looking at H with compassion and understanding despite his confusion and poor choices is going to get you a long way in short order, no matter how things turn out in the short-term or long-term.
I hope lots of people keep reading your thread. They need to see this. You have a VERY good handle on making your OWN choices based on the possible risks and benefits you perceive and OWNING the results. Really, really good stuff.
My only other suggestion is to back-off the arrogance a bit, and I do not mean that in a nasty way. You have great insight into what is going on with H, but don't presume to know too much. Build your beginner's mind rather than focusing so much on writing the back-, present-, and future- stories for H and OW. I KNOW it is easy to do that. I KNOW much seems obvious and foretold to you. Just try to back off of that. Beginner's mind.
