Putting it back together, but SSM issues linger

[Accuray]

Thanks Oldtimer,

I agree this place we're in is ALL ABOUT ME. She would be content if we connect through talking, have fun together, parent together and don't have sex. That would be a completely satisfying relationship for her in her view, and I believe it.

I'm not ok with that, however, so since I'm the one that wants a good sex life, how can it not be all about me? If I leave it to her, it won't happen, right? Help me understand the options you see here. I "tested" letting it go, taking away the requests and letting her set the tone and the result was no sex for over a year and she didn't notice. I could certainly argue that the relationship wasn't healthy overall during that period, so if I give up again and try to kill my sex drive things might be different, but I doubt it.

I have tried taking control in the past, tying her up, introducing toys as you suggest. The reaction from her has either been passive aggressive anger, outright anger, or abject surrender to the point that she's not even there -- completely unresponsive. In other cases, she'll start hitting herself until I stop. You could argue that I'm doing the wrong things, that I'm a clumsy lover, selfish, whatever, but I don't believe that. I'm willing to do whatever it takes -- but with no feedback and no guidance I'm sure to make mistakes. I've had long term relationships before getting married and this was never an issue. The things that all my other girlfriends really liked she seems to hate. (I would never tell her "but everyone else likes it!") I'm a giver by nature, and I know I'm not that bad technique-wise.

There is a long list of ways in which she will not allow herself to be touched, and she's constantly on-guard thinking that I might do those things even though I don't. She'll get tense and become rigid if she even thinks I'm moving in a direction that she won't like. Bottom line, I don't think grabbing the reins here is the answer, but I'm open to additional opinions.

But the ONLY time I felt the sexual spark return was at bomb time, because only then was I really free to see/feel that I wanted sex without the resentment.

Tell me more about this. Was the resentment yours, his, or both? What was the root of the resentment? How did you eliminate the resentment in your subsequent relationships?

You will know soon enough if she wants to comply or not. If not, TRY SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

If she does not want to comply with being subordinate, what else do you recommend I try? She won't tell me what she likes, and there is a long list of things she does not like that I have discovered through trial and error.

She wants something that she CANNOT communicate right now.

According to her, she does *not* want something she cannot communicate. She says she has never enjoyed sex with any partner. I have thought like you -- that she DOES have a sex drive and wants something that she cannot articulate. That if I can discover what it is through trial and error, I will open the door for her to great things -- believe me, I have tried over the course of 17 years to discover what that might be and I have failed.

She claimed her EA's and bar night hookups did not go PA, because she doesn't want sex. If it was "sex with me" that was the problem, those opportunities would have given her the opportunity to pursue the resentment-free sex right? She was totally checked out of the marriage, so if she wanted it, she could have had it -- it certainly wasn't our relationship that held her back.

The issue I see with your advice is the "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink" dilemma. If she doesn't WANT to enjoy sex, then nothing I do is going to help right?

She is saying that our assumption, that everyone wants sex, is flawed. She is completely at peace with being low desire, and doesn't view it as detracting from her happiness. Her low desire is an issue FOR ME. I fully acknowledge that this is all about me, but if I'm not happy, then the marriage will suffer right?

Thanks,

Accuray