Of course it is reasonable to want a loving vibrant passionate sex life. It is a wonderful thing to have in one's M. No one wants to be married to a sibling.
And no, not everyone who has been raped or molested would find power/control games problematic. I think you imagine something happening without genuine consent. THAT would be unacceptable in any circumstances and would definitely be traumatizing to a sexual abuse survivor. Absolutely. But that is not at all what I suggested. More like, "Here's a sexy blindfold, put in on, oh that looks nice, lie down and relax...Is that OK? Tell me if it isn't..." "OK, now we're going to try...." No REAL coercion or force. Encouragement, direction, letting someone else manage/control the experience so that you can actually be *present* and focused on yourself rather than trying to be what H wants, "act" properly, get to the end of the sex which ends in H's O as efficiently as possible while gritting teeth, counting, making shopping lists, etc... The idea is to take the responsibility for the success of the sexual encounter out of your hands so that it really CAN be about you. So, it is not genuine control or coercion AT ALL. It is freely choosing to let go and let yourself be vulnerable and present. For many woman, because we are raised to make sex be all about the man, unless we are given the space NOT to have to perform in various ways for the man and NOT to be responsible for making sure the man Os, it is almost impossible to be sexually present. This can become even MORE true with a history of sexual abuse. Anyway, that is what is going on there. But of course, that dynamic won't work for everyone. That's why I said to try it. He should be able to tell easily if it is working for his W or if she is repelled.
Look, I really, really understand your pain. You seem stuck in that very resentful place. It is a horrible hopeless place to be. I hurt for you.
What are you doing to get out of it? Have you told H you'd like him to buy you something sexy and try some sex toys? I'm not sure what you mean by entry-level toys. The best thing you can do is get excellent sex toys that will actually work. A tiny little buzzing vibrator like comes with lube in the grocery stores now probably won't do much. You want changes in your SL to be successful.
Also, what would you do if H actually tried any of these things? What would happen if he had a VS catalog and asked you to look at it with him? How would you react? Would you be enthusiastic or would you be reluctant? Would you feel as though you'd have to not do it or as though you should disapprove? What would it be like? How would you react if H asked you to go to a sex shop with him?
