Putting it back together, but SSM issues linger

[adinva]

I didn't go back through your whole history but based just on what she's saying in your latest post, I could also read that as an expression of resentment/control/punishment. She's withholding her own potential enjoyment of sex and that's a way of putting you in your place. You could take that to the point of D if it is really that important to you.

For me, I would give up on having a super-fulfilling sex life if I had all the other good things about my marriage and family. I rate it lower on the priority scale. It would be nice to have it all AND a great sex life but I'm not driven to achieve that. I've been very happy with a B+ sex life and a fantastic rest of my life. What's driving your quest for more?

Your drive to have it all AND a great sex life with a woman who feels sure she cannot and will not provide it for you. What's that about?

Can you be OK with just this better-than-before sex life?

Why are you hitting her over the head with her failings in Giving and Joining if her Receiving is going well? And by the way, she IS giving in her way. She's doing something with you and for you simply because it's important to you and makes you feel good...how much more giving can you get? And, ok I haven't read the book, but isn't the act itself Joining you? Your quest for perfection is a put-down of everything she's brought to the table so far.

You've got a wife who is willing to do something to make you happy. Let her know it made you happy. You've been successful with setting a weekly/twice-weekly goal that she's willing to try for, and that's good. I would have thought prescribing the number of times would be too much pressure but if she's OK with it then why not formalize it a big more, like Wednesdays are for you and any other day is her call. That way you don't create the pressure of "it's Friday and it hasn't happened yet, when's it going to happen?"

I can recall feeling sometimes like oh boy he's expecting it, I've got to do it tonight. And then feeling great relief when something came up and we didn't so I could blame it on something external and not have failed him. I just wasn't in the mood, and I resented that he wasn't willing to do what it took to get me in the mood (a few compliments, no pressure, a hug or nice touch during the day, not watching tv until 11pm). So for me, that once or twice a week goal without a specific date I could and should count on would have created that feeling of dread and necessity, and then failure if it didn't end up happening. I don't know if this helps because her head could be in a totally different place than mine.

I'll come back to the fact that you have a square peg you're trying to pound into a round hole, and if you can't live on the sex she's offering now, and it's more important than the rest of the life you built together, move on. If it's enough, then stop trying to force her to like it more - take what she's offering and take your pleasure from it. You can try things here and there just for fun, but stop thinking of it as for her own good. Respect her view of her own good, which is she's just fine without sex.

Oldtimer, you've got an interesting plan there and I'm sure there are some women so trusting and safe that they'd enjoy that. Me, even with my own H, I wouldn't make it 30 seconds into your scenario. I would need it to be scaled waaaaaaay back. I've heard that most people have kinky fantasies they would not want to play out in real life - they just enjoy them as fantasies. Count me in that camp. I've used the subordination/kinky thing many times in my head but I would probably slug anyone who actually tried it. Anyone who's had molestation in their past would likely respond VERY negatively to such overt control. I on the other hand would enjoy it if my H looked through a catalog with me to pick out some things he thinks would look pretty on me, to see if he could buy them for me, things we'd agree on together. Or a catalog of very low-key entry-level toys, or a slumber parties type website. To each his own but you've got to work with the comfort level of the person you're with.

Accuray, I think you're doing great and have a lot of hope for you. Cherish what you have and you'll seem less needy. Go for small increments toward your goal. Recognize her willingness and interest as a VERY big compromise for someone who couldn't care less about sex.