This is a problem: you are making her pleasure, her engagement ALL ABOUT YOU. This does not give her space to simply experience pleasure or choose to engage simply because she wants to. Instead, it is all about you. If she enjoys sex, it becomes about you receiving what you need. If she engages, it becomes about you receiving what you need. Your sexual neediness right now is the most powerful anti-aphrodisiac on the planet for her.
W is resentful as hell. Her sexual needs are not being met, have not been met, she sees no way they will be met. And now you are demanding that you receive MORE from her. Can you see that??? Years of resentment lead to zero libido. She's sexually flattened, smashed. And now you are trying to mold her to be what YOU want even more. Of course she will find that repellant.
This is a horrible, painful, difficult spot for you both. W can't express what she needs sexually. So, what she really wants is probably something she feels she shouldn't, either because she's a mother, or a strong independent woman, or not a slut, or whatever. That is, to be very clear, she probably wants what she considers some combination of dirty/kinky/objectifying/subordinating sex. Seriously. I say this as a woman who was trapped in a SSM that ended in D. And, I still believe there is no way XH could have been the lover I wanted/needed in my life. But the ONLY time I felt the sexual spark return was at bomb time, because only then was I really free to see/feel that I wanted sex without the resentment.
I would sincerely suggest that you try some kinky sex with power games (this does not require pain or harm), tease W for at least half an hour, control her, get a decent sex toy like Dr. Ruth's eroscillator and use it on her. Be firm and loving, direct her, blindfold her, tell her to stay still, tell her you will keep her safe but you know what she needs. Of course you should respect her wishes if she does not want to play. But, this will NOT work if you try to get her buy-in ahead of time. That just makes it all about you again. The idea is to (1) take away the responsibility she feels to "perform" for you and (2) to take away her inhibition about enjoying what she really desires sexually by you taking the responsibility for what is happening. DO her, and only her. Give her a great experience. Tell her she did a good job and you'll be back later to take care of yourself.
I hope that makes sense. You will know soon enough if she wants to comply or not. If not, TRY SOMETHING DIFFERENT. She wants something that she CANNOT communicate right now. Forget whether that is fair or what that means about her defects. She CANNOT tell you what she wants. If you want a hot sex life, discover it through trial and error. Push her boundaries. It has to be ABOUT HER. Be her sexual leader and mentor, in a smart way.
The only other option I know of is to drop the D Bomb and mean it. She'll probably come around for awhile then, but until you fix the underlying problem of being stuck in an unrewarding and therefore resented sex life, things will never change long term.
