Putting it back together, but SSM issues linger

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Had "the talk" with W last night. She knows I've been reading "Passionate Marriage" and asked what it's made me think about. I told her the book points out the parallels between a great sex life and a great marriage, and how the two reinforce each other. How being able to have great sex requires a great deal of personal growth, we need to be able to be vulnerable, to see and be seen by our partner, etc. I believe there is great potential in married sex if the partners make it a goal to achieve it.

I explained that her disengagement during ML and her lack of desire is an issue for me, and has been for a long time. If both our sex life and by extension our marriage could be better, why isn't that a goal worth pursuing?

W said it doesn't bother her, that she doesn't need sex and never has. She said that expecting her to want sex is like expecting me to want to eat brussel sprouts because other people think they are good.

She said that her sex drive is non-existant, and that the lack of it is not an issue for her. She said that as the LD partner, she is stepping up the frequency, she wants me to be happy, and that things could be a lot worse.

I said that I didn't believe her sex drive is non-existant, that she told me she masturbates, and with no sex drive she wouldn't need to do that. She said that she does it so infrequently and just believes it's part of the human condition. She said that I seem to think that most women like sex, and she doesn't believe that's the case. She said that most of her friends do not, they just tolerate it.

She said that since we're ML more frequently, and since I seem to be satisfied when we do, why is it an issue? I told her that ML takes three forms, giving, receiving, and joining. I feel we have "receiving" down in spades, but that I'm missing the giving and joining, and those are important to me. That didn't get a response.

I left the conversation with the understanding that she views this as my issue rather than our issue, that she's not going to work on this with me, and that I need to take it or leave it.

So here's the thing, I know from talking to my friends that many many people do not have great married sex. Like many other things in marriage, there are compromises involved. I realize that if I were to pursue a different relationship, I may end up in the same place or worse.

That said, I love this woman, I feel there is greater potential there to be realized, and that we've done so much work to restore our marriage, why stop now? Why settle when we don't have to?

Am I being naive / crazy / selfish? Someone talk some sense into me here.

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