So some VERY small Tiny microscopic baby steps. H texted me and ASKED if he could have our son thursday. I said yes, of course. But the fact that he actually asked instead of just said or demanded was a nice change. He's only spending 3 hours w/ him but thats typical. I offered him to come back to our house to have him here, and said that I had things to do, and that he could use the playroom to spend time w/ son. He said ok, cool. Thats also different. So minor changes in attitude.I told him that I would be keeping the baby home from daycare b/c he was sick and I was taking him to the dr, so he didnt have to pay half of that days fees. He said okay and offered to pay his copays w/ his hra card. I said thank you but the card was previously declined at the dr. office. He said he would look into it. He was nice but it dissturbed me that he didnt ask about our son actually being sick. That would be my only concern. Oh well, at least he is trying to be nice.This was over the weekend. Today is his 27th birthday. I called him and left him a message wishing him happy bday. He actually called me back and said thank you for wishing me a happy birthday. I was shocked. He also inquired about our sons dr. apt. When I called to give him the update he was nice, asked qustions, and didnt bring up any divorce stuff. No nagging to sign papers ect. So I guess baby steps.He is so confusing. Tonight I was going through boxes from our old place and found all the pics we used to have hanging on our wall. They were mostly of our wedding and honeymoon. It made me soooooo sad/depressed.
After the good words above I shall add what I can,
'Its all so fast and H is hell bent on it. It's really hard b/c I dont konw his motives or what hes looking for.'
My apologies, but when a WAS is like this their motives can change hourly, every five minutes even. Not always easy, but save your energy and try to redirect it elsewhere, aka, yourself. You need all you can get!
If this helps, I will relay a 'silly' situation with my WAS. Know that you are not alone,
After W and I separated, W said she wanted to go out for dinner with me. While there, she said she would like to take a trip with me for a week to see her family and show that we were strong as a couple. She wanted to do this the very next week. I responded with, 'At the moment my work can't allow a week for me. Perhaps we can work on things for now and strenghten our relationship. That way we could show them a united front. In a couple months I'll be able to take a week or even two and then we can see them as a much better couple.' Fair enough, I figured.
She stayed silent for a bit. Then, no more than 5 minutes later she said she wanted a D. She then made a brief call to a 'supportive' girl friend (who later ditched her but that's another story.) Right after this, she then said to me that she wanted to go for a 'romantic' ice skate on the river to help us connect romantically before we 'D', Whaa the?!! Ya, I'd seen a few things by this point but this was out there...Strangely, there was even more to come after that but jeepers...
Ya, expect a few weird things. As things progress you'll get better and better at letting these nutty things roll away. Certainly, you'll gravitate to wanting to know what the heck H is up to, hard not to. But you don't want 'nutty' H. Sounds like he has some sorting out to do before he deserves a good lady like yourself. Know this and continue to chip away at making yourself better and better,
Coyote
I haven't posted much in the last seven years. I've been a lurker. Just lookin' to put back all the good help I've gotten...
So H has been strangly normal again. We talked today quite a few times. I told him the babysitter was taking him to the museum and he said he didnt think it was a good idea and I held my ground and he said ok. Then we talke about xmas and I offered him to come here and "share" the xmas w/ our son in the morning. He wanted to come at 8 and I said 9. He agreed. His family is still driving me nuts. I heard today that they had made plans t come here and put up all the xmas decorations. I was really hurt by this and I told h that I wanted to put them up too. He sent me a message saying that he would tell his mom to leave the tree undecorated. I replied that I would talk to her myself also but thanks that was nice. When I called my mil I told her why I was hurt and she blew me off saying that she/they were not thinking of me but of their grandmother. I said that's fine but that they should be considerate of the fact that this is my xmas 2 and I also live here. She said she understood but was basicly pretty cold and defensive. She said I was being too sensitive. I expected more from her b/c she and I have been really close. Now I know better I guess. I'm sooo disapointed in that whle family. But at least h is being a human being. He also said today that he had to take me off his insurance. He sounded scared to tell me, like he was really sorry and asking if it was ok. I had to tell him twice it was fine.Weird. Baby steps?
No we're not D yet.... but very soon. Worlds quickest D. Even the lawyers said they have never seen one like this. I do have my own insurance now and H will carry our S. H is coming 2mrrow to clean out the spare bedroom where he put some of his stuff. His gramdma is having a house guest friday an asked him to move it. I cleaned out the rest of his stuff from ur closet and set it in there as well. He really didnt take much of his stuff with him when he left. I wonder what he will think of that. Also, I signed the papers 2day. Cried all the way home. I had to sign that there were ireconsibile diff. ect. and I dont believe that. I dont want a divorce. Its not filded yet but will be soon i guess. I'm sooo sad, confused, angry, ect... dont know where t go from here. I just know I want my marriage to work in the long run....
This is just too much. Im fighting a losing battle. Im tired. I was hanging on by a tiny little thread and it was cut today. I love my H. But it dosnt matter. Im not strong like I should be. I just want to call him and beg him home. I hate what this divorce has done to the family, my relationship with his family, everything. And there are no real reasons. wtf help im losing everything. life will never be right if we are not together. How could you love someone so deeply who dosnt recipracate. I feel like im about to lash out at everyone including my h, his hole family, my friends!!! I need to be muzled before i ruin everything.
"This is just too much. Im fighting a losing battle. Im tired. I was hanging on by a tiny little thread and it was cut today. I love my H. But it dosnt matter."
I'm really sorry you're hurting right now. The pain and betrayal of something like this is not something a lot of people have to endure.
When I was going through this, often, I felt like there was something wrong with me. Like I was a freak. When I came here and found others going through pretty much the same thing I found it refreshing. Found out what I was feeling was actually pretty normal! From what I see you're pretty normal too. I don't see anything out of the ordinary for such a lousy situation.
For yourself and for H even, you have to distance yourself from H when you can. H is on an up/down roller coaster ride and if you stay in close contact with H you and your sanity is going to get pulled along on that ride. I've seen this happen with myself and with many others. You need to checkout the Last Resort Technique in the DB book. That will shed some more light on this. (Don't forget to keep working through the book though. Again if you have to. Many sections compliment each other.)
As for the loosing battle, the only loosing battle I see here is trying to convince H not to D, not to run away. If you do you'll push him even further. Your H is oscillating between confusion, anger, some fear, even sadness. You can't sort this out. Remember, you're tryng to win the war. Not the little battles here and there.
Let him go. A D doesn't always mean it's the end. Let him make his own mistakes and find out for himself that you're not the cause of his problems. Once you're off to the side H can't blame you anymore, both internally and to you verbally. He will have no choice but to take a new look at things.
"Im not strong like I should be."
Yes you are, it just doesn't seem like it at the moment. Somehow, you need to pick yourself back up. Don't give in to the lethargy. Put one foot in front of the other. Keep chipping away at positive things you can do 'one at a time.' For you and your child. The very worst thing you can do right now is roll over and do nothing.
Make sure you eat healthy. Keep some activity in your life, walk it off perhaps. Keep a personal journal. Also, don't forget to go see your family doctor. Your body is really taking a beating right now. Get things checked up. Explain your situation. Sometimes they can even recommend mild levels of antidepressants to help smooth things a little. I know I had too. Not the only one too.
Also, go see a cousellor if you haven't already. You need a safe place to vent to someone in person. Keep talking to that friend from church. If you need, talk to one of the DB coaches, http://www.divorcebusting.com/telephone_coaching.htm
Things will get better, this I promise you. One day you're going to look back on this and say to yourself, 'whoa, I really did make it through that, Whoo hooo!' The sun will shine again.
"I feel like im about to lash out at everyone including my h, his hole family, my friends!!!"
Don't do that, oh no no no! I did that a couple times. Took a while to pickup the pieces again with that (Sigh) This is something not a lot of people understand. If they say some things, button it! Water off a duck's back. Vent elsewhere (here or see above.)
Coyote Boy
I haven't posted much in the last seven years. I've been a lurker. Just lookin' to put back all the good help I've gotten...
Please listen, absorb, and do what is suggested above.
TMC, I can tell you that a lot of what your H is going through is likely job related. Law enforcement has one of the highest D rates due to job stress. It may come out looking like something else (infidelity, alcoholism, etc.) but it mostly stems from one place.
How long has your H been a cop?
I can tell you, my H had always dreamed of becoming an officer. He finally made it, a little later in life, and it wrecked him. He became paranoid, reclusive, didn't want to go out anymore because "people are all evil idiots" and can't be trusted. It was horrible. He had an A with a 911 dispatcher because "she understood him and his job". I understood him but couldn't understand how the job affected him. I tried to maintain normalcy at home for him but he was living in chaos and it destroyed him. He basically had a breakdown on the job, made an error that ruined his career, and that started the change back to the man I knew and loved.
We are D, but we are back together. It's a rough road and I still don't know where it's going, if anywhere, but we are supporting our son and each other and for the time being that is what is important.
I tell you all of this to show you there is a road back, but it isn't always pretty or under the circumstances you would prefer.
HUGS! You are a tough cookie! You'll get through this!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
good to hear you're back with H. Ya, it takes a while and some hard work to sort things out once an LBS reconnects with the WAS. Often the LBS feels like running, how the tables turn...
On another note, I've heard this about Law Enforcement Officers. Not just here either. I've seen this in other material and I actually know one. She eventually had to quit. She's still having issues. (Just talked to her earlier in the week actually.)
Seeing the butt end of society everyday is obviously not a source of happiness and wellbeing. Those who are not able to separate this from their lives and find a healthy balance often don't do well.
Hope this helps TMC. Knowing that a good chunk of what's going on may not in fact be your fault after all. I know I found that refreshing for myself. Kept blaming Coyote for everything that went wrong in the beginning.
This doesn't let us off the hook though. We still have to keeping sorting through and chipping away at our own faults. We are still responsible for our part in what we did to help spur this on. Ya, sure, H is nutty right now. A good chunk of what H says and does is going to be out there. But some of H's critique will be spot on. Keep you're cool and watch for these little nuggets of wisdom/feedback when talking to H.
I haven't posted much in the last seven years. I've been a lurker. Just lookin' to put back all the good help I've gotten...
Okay friends, after I posted last I backslid again. H was pressuring me to sign the papers again saying he hired his own lawyer and that if i didnt sign the papers he would take legal action against me. He also started complaining about having to pay me so much money and i lashed out at him by saying if he didnt want to pay he could sign his rights away and i would do it myself. That really pissed him off and he called me a bitch. I appologized and said i didnt mean that. I told him that he is making this harder on everyone. And that he needs to be civil. He said he would try. Since thenI'm comming to gripps with my emotions I guess. I have decided to make a mental point to not get involved with his families drama. I'm not going to give it anymore of my time. Also, I'm really going to try not to let H put me on his up/down roller coaster ride. OH he's trying though. H sent me a message reminding me that he was comming to see our son on wensday for 2 hours. I said thats fine but I wouldnt Anyway, so then he starts accousing me of silly things like letting our son sleep w/ a pillow when he is to young and a bunch of other ridiculous stuff. I set him straight and told him if he has concerns he could talk to me w/0 accousing / going off on me. He didnt really respond. Then one peaceful day w/o communication. Then today he texts me saying whats Son doing? Really? Well lets see.... playing w/ his toys? Why does he try to "talk" almost every day. I didnt answer. I have been keeping busy. Today I went to church, then to the store, then to our friends house to watch the game( Go Packers!) Our mutual friend is pretty much disgusted w/ my H. He has known him since he was like 6 and me since I was 13. He says I should date again. I told him im not ready and I still loved H. And was hoping maybe he'd come back. Friend said maybe he would if I dated someone else. I laughed it off. I really helps me when i get so much advice off here. Mishka thats awsome you guys are back together. It does help to hear that. H has been a cop for about 3 years.
