Well, here's one heck of an update. My W called and I let it go to VM; she left one that said, "Hi, H, it's me. I need to talk to you about a few things, so give me a call when you can. Hope things are going well." After ten minutes of getting that VM, I texted her saying, "Got your message. What's up?" She texted back saying, "You need to talk to me on the phone. It will be quicker that way." (Yeah, sure. That's the only reason why.) So I went ahead and called.
This is an estimated transcript of what was basically said. Figured I should jot it down while it's still fresh in my mind. If it seems like things are jumping around from the natural flow of conversation, it's because I'm reconstructing from memory.
W: So basically, I just wanted to say that I've been looking into filing divorce and I want to have you sign the papers on Friday, Dec. 23rd. You can bring the bunny that same night, too. I talked to a lawyer and he said that we could convert the S to a D and that it probably wouldn't cost anything. There might be a filing fee, but that's it. M: So is everything the same as it was put down in the S? W: Yes, it is. Is that okay? M: Yes, I just wanted to make sure that things were the same. They were pretty fair as it was. What else? W: I also want you to refinance your car and the American Express card. They're still on my credit report, and I don't want them to be because they're your responsibility. M: That's fine. You'll have to sign some paperwork with a notary and send them to me for the car. Is that okay? W: Yes, that's fine. So here's where it gets antagonistic. Basically, I bought all of that furniture that you are using with my Bank of America student loan. So I either want you to give it back to me or pay me for it, whichever one. You have 8 months to decide because that's when I'm moving back. M (I don't want to say anything because I'm not yet sure how to handle it): Okay, I'll have to get back to you on that. But don't worry, I'll get it figured out. That's plenty of time, and I do agree that I need to do something about that. W: Okay, good. So....how was your Thanksgiving? M: Good. [described how I had to do it alone because the pass was nasty] W: Oh, that s*cks, dude! I would have called you if I had known about that. M: Oh, it's okay... Anyway, I better get going. I need to make some dinner, and I'm getting hungry. W: In a minute. You never talk to me. M: Look... W (angrily): What. What do you have to say. M: I already told you how I feel about this. W: So you're still going to act like this? OMG, you need to grow up and stop acting like a baby! You need to take this situation like a MAN! You are just being so selfish, just like you always were throughout our entire R. Why do you want to do this? M: It's not just a want. It's a need. W: Why are you angry at me? M (wasn't aware that I was acting angry but can't deny that I feel angry at her a lot of the time, so I answer): I don't know. It's just the situation, I guess. W: You think this is easy for me? M: Well, it sounds like you're getting everything in order. W: So you're just sitting there thinking that I had an affair and that I'm living in another state and that things are so easy for me and that I'm getting everything that I want and that things are so difficult for YOU. Well, I'm admitting that I handled things the wrong way. I had an affair, and I regret that very much. I wish I hadn't done it. But you have never once taken responsibility for what happened. M: You know, I do feel badly about what happened. I wish I would have done a lot of things differently. I'm not saying that I don't think that. W: You're just saying that because I suggested it, not because you actually think that! M: That's not true. W: You're just going to cut me and my family off after everything that we've done for you. I was the perfect W and GF to you. Now that the M is over, there's just nothing to say to me anymore. It's like the last six years have meant nothing to you. I was supportive of you through all that OCD cr@p, which was bullchit anyway. I should know. I have a degree in it. I was so supportive of you. You owe me. M: You know, that's a good point that you raise. I do think that you were incredibly supportive of me, and I do agree that I put you through some really awful stuff. I think a lot of the time that I wish I would have done things differently. W: How long do you think that you're going to act like this? M: I don't see any end to it in the near future. Maybe things will be different way down the line, but right now, no, I don't see it changing. W (kind of crying): Look, again, I do admit that I shouldn't have had an A. I will admit that. But it's like you won't accept your part in it. I blame YOU for our M dissolving. Now, because of you, I just assume that OM is constantly thinking about other women all the time because that's what YOU did. Because of you, I just assume that OM is constantly comparing how I look to other women because that's what YOU did.
I wanted things to change and they didn't change, so I did something to make a change. You kept saying over and over, "I'm going to change, I promise, I'm going to change," and you never did! You need to learn how to do something and make a change, too, instead of sitting around feeling sorry for yourself. You never once made me feel loved, and you never once made me feel special. I deserve to feel special. M: I agree that you deserve that. And I accept my part in what happened. Look, I just don't agree with the situation. I hope that you're happy, and if things with OM are fixing what was wrong with us, then that's cool. I could see where you reacted because you were feeling....desperate...and unhappy. But this is how I feel. W: Oh, "desperate," is that what you think? More like "fed-up." OM is not "fixing things" that were wrong with us. My R with him is something totally different than my R with you. He's bringing things that I never thought that I could have. OM is not the primary part of my life -- my internship is. But what I have with OM is something new. And besides, it wasn't just about you. I also liked him. M: Okay, that's fine. Whatever you want to call it, that's fine. But I still feel this way. W: You know, I just wish you would get up, make some changes, make some friends, and get a GF instead of sitting around being pathetic. M (assertively): Look, I'm not going to take you calling me things like that. I'm going to go, and if you want to talk to me respectfully-- W: You know, after all the disrespect that I got from you over these last six years, I think I have the right to say what I'm going to say and call you some names. M: No, you don't have that right. I'm not saying that you don't have the right to feel what you feel about what went down between us during our R. You do, and I totally think that you feel what you feel. But I will not have you say things like that to me. W: Why don't you go ahead and tell me what my rights are? Since you seem to be such an expert on that. M (fumbling for words, then settling): You have the right to respect how I feel about this. W: Well, what about what I feel? What I want? You're not being respectful to how Ifeel and what Iwant, so we're kind of at a Catch-22, aren't we? M (sighing): Look, I'm going to go. I'll see you on Dec. 23rd, okay? W: To sign the divorce paperwork. M: Yes, I'm signing the paperwork. W: And if there's a fee, we're going to split that. M: That's fine. W: Okay. [sarcastically] Lovely chatting with you. M: Okay. [I hang up the phone.]
Whew. Strangely, I'm not nearly as upset or angry as I thought I would be. I do feel sad that she's really going through with the D, but it's not like I didn't know that it might be coming for months now. I wonder if she's bringing it up just to get a response out of me or if she's really done. Who knows.
Some post-conversation analysis:
--I was very happy that I was a lot more assertive about my needs and less willing to take her acid tongue. I was also happy that I remained cool and collected during this, not getting accusatory or going "melty-man." It was tough, but I did not let her press my buttons this time. --I liked that I got to tell her that I wish that I'd done things differently and that I feel sorry about the bad things that I did. I reflected on this in prayer a while before she called, and that seemed to keep me in a compassionate mood about her feelings. --I still definitely think it's weird that she seems so upset that I don't want to have a friendly R with her while she's with OM. I understand that she wouldn't get this angry and defensive if she didn't still care about me somehow. (I forgot to put down above, she did say, "I still care about you" at one point.)
But it's still really weird. If I was this terrible, selfish excuse for a man who "forced" her to leave her M that was so full of disrespect and unhappiness, then why is she so dead-set on keeping me around? --She barely mentioned OM at all and admitted that he was secondary to her internship, which seems like an odd thing to say. I gave her plenty of opportunities, saying "if he makes you happy" or "if you're happy what you're doing." I kept expecting her to say, "Oh, he does make me happy," or "Believe me, I am happy." But she never did. She never once said that she was happy or that things were going the way that she wanted them. --Speaking of OM, all of that "we're going to get M'd, he's so amazing" talk was gone, too. Like I said, he was barely a part of the convo. It was also very strange how she started saying that she "assumes" OM's thinking processes are the same as mine because I thought that way in our R. According to her months back, she chose OM specifically because she felt that he WASN'T doing that. --I was able to keep from taking things personally because I saw her still re-writing the marital history. I "never ONCE made her feel loved"? I'm 100% to blame for the fact that our M dissolved? Puh-leeze.
Anyway, I've babbled enough. I'd really appreciate any comments or words of support. Do you guys feel that I'm still doing the right thing by staying dark and keeping her at arm's length? I do care about her and wish that we could be close, but like I said, I just don't agree with these conditions.
I don't know where my future with her stands any more, but it's looking more and more bleak. I'm thinking that I'm going to be D'd in less than a month.
