Feel like I'm living the movie Groundhog Day...

[workinghardguy]

More R/D talk tonight... this is getting old. Night was going fine, dinner was great, we worked together on dinner and had fun. Kids were funny and we all had a good time.

After dinner SD asks my W why she isn't wearing her wedding ring anymore. W says it doesn't fit. That assuages them for now I guess.

In the kitchen W starts the R/D talk. Looking for info, sharing concerns. I validate, validate, validate. She begins to reneg on the childcare arrangements... concerned that if she starts dating someone I will use the child care as a weapon. Cancel without notice, leave her hanging, etc... This is where I start to stand my ground. I point out I have done nothing to stop this D and have only given her space. That I will have a problem if she chooses to pull the stepkids away as we had agreed upon. She backs off and just says that she has trust issues and its hard for her to trust me. Well, for this to work, co-parenting, she is going to have to work on that. Her issues should not infect my relationship with the kids.

Then she starts talking about this will all happen in April, or at least the move will. That's the only vacation time she could get and she needs time off to get moved. Well, I can't chain you to the house so when you're going to go you're going to go. Then we're back on when to tell the kids. Looks like February... but she wants to file for increased child support from XH and plans to tell the court about the coming D. Then fears XH will tell the kids... what a friggin' mess.

She then backs off, though I don't know that we're done yet. She also went on a little trip that she's afraid I'm going to screw her in the divorce. Really? I don't even want the damn thing! And now I'm going to screw you? But I validated and listened. I pointed out that we've been cooperative and open and we can keep being that. That my ultimate goal is a positive co-parenting relationship and that won't work if she feels victimized or taken advantage of and is angry with me. That I don't want her trashing me or bad-mouthing me in front of our S. So why would I create a situation that invites that?

She goes on to say that I know that would never happen. I couldn't resist... I pointed out that it happens frequently with her XH. That when he is an ass or a pain she goes on these tirades about him and usually directs it at SS and SD. "Well we could have xyz if you dad followed through on anything he says he will do" and so on. She got this very pained look on her face... like it was the first time she realized that she does it or maybe the first time she's had it said to her.

So we talk some more. She complained that she is having to do all the heavy lifting on this D. I admitted that yes, she is. I will not help. I won't stop her, but I certainly won't help. She sighs and says she knows. It's just so hard. Boo-frickin-hoo.

The convos mercifully ended on a convo about what we might tell the kids. I mention that I don't think SS will be too broken up and that SD will be ok b/c she will see it as a chance for mom and dad to get back together. She disagrees... she says she doesn't know why, but lately the kids ask about me first thing when they get home. That SD insists on a song and kiss from me before bed. That things are different than they were. I simply say, well, I'm trying to be a better dad and person, maybe they've noticed and leave it at that.

The one other item that did piss me off tonight was this obnoxious fallacy she has... SS is an introvert and doesn't make a lot of friends. This bothers W who is an extrovert. She talks to him about it a bunch. This last talk SS tells her that he doesn't play with other kids at recess b/c he doesn't know how to play football. This plays right into my W's complaint that she asked me repeatedly to teach him football and I never did. Which is untrue, but that's her version.

I started to argue and debate. I started to point out that we did do football, that I don't believe EVERY kid on the playground plays football, and that the relationship issues of a 12 year boy may have something more to do with his mom divorcing his dad when he was three and then mentally checking out of the marriage to his stepdad when he was 10. Yeah... that might have more impact than not knowing how to play football.

But then I catch myself. I simply apologized that I didn't do enough nor did I spend enough time with SS. That I regret that and that it always felt awkward since his dad is his primary role model, but that I could have and should have done more. And then I left it at that. There were a few other things she said but I got the feeling that she is putting the onus of the SS's issues on me. That how he is, is primarily because of my failings. So time apart would be good... perhaps she can see it is some of her doing too...

So just frustrating and obnoxious. I'm very ready for this to be over. For her to move out and to move to the next step, whatever that is. This together thing... it's just too much heartache and pain. She doesn't know what she wants and the confusion is chaos. Sh!t or get off the pot. Not having to see her or deal with this crap every week/every day would be a giant relief.