I have no idea who you are but God bless you for feeding lines to my voice of reason. I always value your insight and am grateful that you take time to guide a total stranger in distress. Thank you.
I think she said that because she was hurting being away from our baby for the holiday, even If it was only for the lesser part of three hours. Since she is the one that initiated this whole process it is often hard, if not impossible , for me to imagine that she is hurting, too. But from all I've read it is possible that she is.
She sent me a picture of the baby via BlackBerry Messenger this morning and added a little note about what he was doing, officially breaking "radio silence" I just replied with a smiley - I am hopeful that I can leave it at that for the day.
Funny, at the moment I am writing down some of the things that she complained about and possible 180s for them. Sad part is, a lot of it she will rarely if ever see now that we are living apart. No matter, I have to be a better me for me.
Rough Thanksgiving. Had to pick up my son from her new place and take him over to friends and then bring him right back. Talked to my sister on the way home and she just kept telling me "She isn't coming back!". That conversation didn't end well. How do you handle family members that are "there"? They think they are being helpful - are they?? I am doing all I can to keep the hope alive that my family will be back together someday and I know that failure is a possibility - it just doesn't do me much good to have it pounded into me by a family member.
Crimson, Sorry you had a rough Thanksgiving. MDW talks about how family and friends don't want to see you continue to hurt, and let's be honest - hoping can be hurtful, so their thoughts and opinions are most likely are going to be biased.
That being said, I think it's important to have a physical support structure vs just this mb. My friends and family are biased... but they also love me. They let me make my mistakes and they understand that I'm not ready to give up yet... even if it hurts.
But at the same time, I learned how to use their biased feelings to help me get stronger.
For example.. I really wanted to text my wife "Happy Thanksgiving" (I really struggle with the fact we don't really speak to each other any more) but I needed to not say anything because I am committed to changing my dynamic with her. I may not save my m but I'm done contributing to the old m.
I reached out to a friend and he told me not to text her. His reasoning had nothing to do with DBing.. but I knew he would be a great person to support me with this... even if our reasons were different.
You can figure out how your friends/family CAN help.. but you can also set up some boundaries as well. The combination of the two really works well for me.
Hang in there.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
Thanks Valeska. I find myself sitting on my hands a lot because I just miss the interaction with her, but I am for sure in the midst of the LRT so I am doing my best to gut it out.
I am lucky enough to have friends around that are supportive, coworkers too. I am fortunate to have a friend that has been through this, too - almost to the letter. We talk almost daily about my situation, though he is probably 20 years my senior. His situation resolved, but it took him a year and a lot of patience. He encourages me to just give her time and space and not to cling or over communicate. Eventually, they started bonding over their two boys and things went from there.
I can only hope for the same, but right now life without my wife and son feels a lot like my oxygen supply has been cut off.
I have been doing my best to remain fair, supportive, a friend and kind during this separation process. I have hit a wall and am need of help or advice.
We have a 19 month old son. Custody is becoming and issue and I didn't imagine that it would be. Here is what I proposed to evenly share our time with him.
We are just now wrapping up week one where she had the 5 day stretch. This schedule splits time evenly 50/50 so no one is slighted. It is fair.
This morning I texted to arrange a pickup time for today. I told her, as per schedule, she can pick him up Tuesday and then I would pick him up Thursday night and have him till Tuesday night.
She protested and said that the schedule in week two has "too many transitions" and is not good for him and she s most likely not to honor it. I then proposed, "Fine, I will keep him through Wednesday (which would normally be her day) and that will cut down one transition but not divide the time equally". Her response? "Absolutely not".
In doing so, she clearly (if not unintentionally) admits that her schedule would end up costing her one day if I kept him through Wednesday and is not fair. So her solution is to take one day away from me and not allow me to get him Thursday night on week 2 - but it seems that ME losing a day in the name of "fewer transitions" is fair. I contend that there is nota major difference between 2 and 3 exchanges in a week. She won't budge.
Why will she not accept a 50/50 fair split? Why is she unwilling to sacrifice a day of hers for "fewer transitions" but expecting me to do so? It just seems irrational. She is now suggesting that we go to a mediator - which will most likely end in a result that NEITHER of us would like.
I have mentioned previously that in moving out she was forced to get a 5 day a week job. That GREATLY carves into the time she used to have with him and it is further declining because of split custody. In my opinion, she is start to feel the backlash of the decision(s) that she had made and is trying to shift the burden on me and that is not fair.
I want to be positive, upbeat, and nice - but how do you remain so in this situation? Let me add in the papers that she had filed she SPECIFICALLY asked for equal time! Now she is backing off of it. When I called her out on it, she said "I really want more than equal time, but was just trying to be amicable".
I want to remain on good terms, and maybe SOMEDAY save my marriage and family, but I am not going to allow myself to be robbed of time with my son anymore than this separation and potential divorce already has. HELP!!! What do I do?!?!?! I don't want to kick this over to lawyers because of the expense.
I have no idea who you are but God bless you for feeding lines to my voice of reason. I always value your insight and am grateful that you take time to guide a total stranger in distress. Thank you.
You are very welcome. I remember when when I first arrived and was the stranger in distress, only difference--I was a WAW. Thankfully, some really great people helped me find my right mind again!
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Why will she not accept a 50/50 fair split? Why is she unwilling to sacrifice a day of hers for "fewer transitions" but expecting me to do so? It just seems irrational.
Most WAW's count "fairness" as when it benefits her. She is irrational b/c that is her state of mind. I think it will show up much more in the area of the son.
You are correct in saying that she's just beginning to experience the backlash of her decision to leave. She may say things like how she not looking forward to being a single mom, etc., but you won't hear her say she regrets leaving. Something about how she said, "38 and a single mom" makes me think she probably has been influenced and she certainly is looking to becoming exactlythat image. In her mind, that is more fun or glamorous than being 38 and a M mom! As a norm, women that young just don't leave her home & H, especially with a baby)unless she strongly believes her life apart from him will be a lot better.
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She is now suggesting that we go to a mediator - which will most likely end in a result that NEITHER of us would like.
I know very little about legal matters in these things, but from what I've read just here on the board, the courts give fathers 50% custody in most cases. So, don't be afraid of her threats. In fact, you could ask your lawyer for advice in this issue. If she sees you being all too agreeable to see a mediator, it may cool her heels.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I think you are right when you say "fair" to her is anything that is to her benefit. That makes it really hard to negotiate these strange new waters. She keeps asking me for things from the house - borrow a backpack, bumpers from the crib, certain pieces of furniture, pictures....it seems like every time she contacts me she wants something. She moved out of a pretty decent house and into an "older" condo with much, much less space and far fewer amenities. Again, I think that her asking for things is her beginning to feel the sting of her departure. Today she even asked me to bring the baby monitor for her next time. Do I say "please stop asking me for things"??
When you say "irrational" is her state of mind, I tend to agree. But when does it y? Do you think that she has moments of second thoughts? I have a hard time seeing how her new life is "better" than what she left - of course it is without ME in it so I guess that is the big component of it.
I am for sure in the LRT stage, but there are moments when I just want to ask her "are you SURE you want to do this???" or ask her again to go to a counselor. However, I stick to the LRT plan - though today I think I was a little quiet and cold during the exchange. She, on the other hand, was all smiles and bubbly saying good-bye to the baby. Maybe she is LRT'ing me in reverse?
At the end of the day, I just want my family back. I sit here with my son and enjoy the time, but there is an emptiness and sadness that hangs over my head because she is not here. It's like the picture just isn't complete. I wish we could enjoy our baby together and I wonder if she wishes the same.
You said you were a WAW, Sandi. What turned the tide for you? How long did it take? Did you make it all the way to D?
When my H and I first spit in 05, he proposed a schedule and after a bit (and the fog cleared) I realized that I had the kids every Friday and Saturday night. I put a stop to that really fast. That wasn't fair.
We moved to a schedule very similar to what you suggested. We switched on Wednesdays though, don't remember the other day (and I went back through my old posts and emails to H but I couldn't find it) But I know we ended up with switching weekends so I wasn't the one who always had to pay a babysitter to go out on Friday or Saturday nights.
Also, a mediator might actually help. You offered a 50/50 that is more than fair and allows both of you to be both parents and single. The mediator will also help go over "First right of refusal" (what to do about babysitters), vacation time, holidays, birthdays, etc. And it could help her to see what reasonable is.
I wish I could find that schedule!! hmm back to looking
I am hopeful that she will agree to the schedule without a mediator if possible. We aren't even divorced yet, just living apart while the process chugs away.
It is incredibly painful being away from my son. I can see how much he has grown and developed during the three months this has been going on and it makes me sad that I am missing some of it and that W and I aren't sharing it together like we once dreamed. Seems like you we able to patch things up over time. I can only hope to be as fortunate.
Thank you again for your input. It is needed, welcomed and appreciated.
I guess this is more "journaling" than anything else - but it's probably helpful to get it out (therapy?) and if anyone has commentary or thoughts, all the better.
Last night and this morning I kept trying to wrap my brain around the question "is she really happier without me now?". When I went to pick up our son her new place looked fairly spartan, but she was happy and bubbly. Was she acting? Was I really THAT bad that any escape from me could uplift her spirits and mood? Again, she suffers from depression - does that factor in?
What hits me the most is that I can't believe that she can't find anything in our 8 years together that is good, that is positive, that is enough to tell her "hang on, this is just something you need to work through" - not even the birth of our son. I can easily remember good and loving times - RECENT good and loving times. Could it be that the amount of anger or hurt she was holding inside has cast a shadow over all of them? Will she ever remember that there were good times? I had made her an album and then, after reading about LRT, decided to scrap it.
I know I shouldn't focus on what's in her head right now, I should just focus on myself and my son - but I always wonder if she misses me - if she misses talking to me. And if not, will she ever again?
So I spoke with my attorney today regarding W's refusal of custody plan. It literally boils down to her wanting an extra day instead of a 50/50 split in time.
The question is since this is not the final custody agreement (assuming she goes all the way to D), how hard do I push this issue if I am trying to keep anger and resentment at a minimum? I would like to do so to keep the climate healthy for "positive" interactions, but I also don't want to just roll over.
Part of me says that this separation/divorce is being forced upon me and there is little I can do to stop it, I am ALREADY being forced to give away half of my time and therefore should not budge.
