REQ: Looking for a thread from a fellow DBer...

[Abbey]

THIS time, he's ok with touch. Why wouldn't I utilize it? I'd be a fool not to. Why roll this all the way back to square one if I don't have to? Even though most of me feels out the door,... I do still feel *something* for him. So... since I've left a small crack in the door ... in case, why wouldn't I?

Because I GUARANTEE YOU, he observes you doing these things and thinks "See, Abbey's OK with all of this -- I've got things under control, and she is at my beckon call."

If he is getting some of his physical and emotional needs met by OW, and the rest of them met by YOU . . . why would he change his current path?

Because I'm going to cut him off. And he's going to miss it. Been there already with him. I *KNOW* I have to massage the ego then go into my own rabbit hole. That's why I'm doing it.

I think Schnarch calls this "the crucible," into which you try to get someone in order to make their tough life choices. But regardless, MWD calls it "pursuing," and doing them while your husband is actively engaged in an affair makes you look weak, needy and unattractive, in my opinion.

Starsky

Uhm, he's pursing me though. If one of his "complaints" was that I wasn't affectionate enough. Isn't what I'm doing a 180?

Tonight, he was late. Instead of me even acknowledging him when he came in the door, he came in, put his arms around me, hugged me, gave me the big bear hug growl. Then he starts confiding in me. (He was mad enough when I invaded his parasite's house not to do that this week end, I guess.) But guess what, I'm is BFF again. (for today anyway ) He starts talking about going after custody again. Asking my opinion, testing the waters about me raising that child. Having that child with us. He's asking my opinion again.

I'm the ONE solid calm stable thing in his life. Why wouldn't I act "as if". And just try not to lose my brains or my cool while he spins out of control?

And touch btw, is as much for me as it is him. To be honest, if it wasn't for the touch right now... I"m not sure if I'd want to even try fix this mess. It's taking EVERYTHING I am as a person not to run for the bloody hills. Doing so would be at my own financial security and detriment.

People can think it appears weak, I don't care. I know what I went through the last time, this time it's part chess match, part laying out bread crumbs, part moving out of the way so he'll get a big old freaking dose of reality.