Grace, Love, Compassion, and Faith - EVEN BETTER

[Rick1963]

Val my L said that who ever takes the car will have pay it off. I offered to pay 50% when the house sells. even though I have been paying for it all along.

[JustStunned]

Val, my 2 cents…

Bear in mind I have been reviewing Sun Tsu

“The general who advances without coveting fame and retreats without fearing disgrace, whose only thought is to protect his country and do good service for his sovereign, is the jewel of the kingdom.” – Sun Tsu

Something to strive for, be the General and the Sovereign.


“He who knows when he can fight and when he cannot, will be victorious.” – Sun Tsu

Fight the battles you can win

“Strategy without tactics is the slowest route to victory. Tactics without strategy is the noise before defeat.” – Sun Tsu

Have a plan

“You have to believe in yourself.” – Sun Tsu

I am a proponent of sticking with the lines that have been drawn in the sand. I knee jerk at, if a boundary has been set it should be held to.

That said; is this a battle you can win and at what cost? If you stick what is the likelihood of losing something greater at another time?

Is compromising a pattern your W has come to expect from you? Perhaps I am reading this wrong, but it seems as though she has compromised a little. Is this a pattern you’ve come to expect?

In my own thread I compromised once or twice before standing firm on a boundary. For me this was a 180. Ask yourself if you are standing because of principal or because of pride.

“so much for asking her to join me to buy Christmas for that family.”

I am compelled to ask why? What do you risk in asking? If you do not ask the answer is no.

[Rick1963]

Val how are you? I hope you are doing great. Call me a weirdo but I have noticed that I miss people in here when I don't see them for a few days. I also worry about them. Hope Thanksgiving was good for you

[Valeska19]

Rick - Thanks for checking in. I don't find it weird at all. Been running a gambit of feelings the past few days since my w emailed me about the car. Very typical stuff yet exhausting.

Thanksgiving was really good. I woke and was sad that I wasn't spending it with my wife.. but no tears. I just couldn't be anything but thankful. God just sent me reminders all day.. from loving text messages from friends and family, to having dinner with friends to Black Friday shopping for 6 hrs. I had a bunch of people call and be like "You sound really happy for this being your 1st Thanksgiving alone... I was like.. I know but I can't seem to stay sad". I laughed and smiled all day.

At one point I really struggled with sending a text message to w wishing her a "Happy Thanksgiving". Ultimately I decided against it.

I have reached out to my w sooo many times in the past 9 years... but the truth is... I just can't anymore. She's run away.. and I need to let her run. She knows if she ever wants to stop and reach out... I'm here.

Well she didn't reach out. It didn't really bug me on the day. I sincerely had a good time and missed her very little.

I can't say I'm surprised by her action but I woke up pretty p!ssed off.. and I'm still feeling angry in all honesty.

I think I do a fairly good job of trying to understand her perspective and validate her feelings.. but I'm struggling.

Everything is on her timeline. She decides when to open up to me..when to reach out.. and it takes it's toll on me. Two wks ago she spills her guts... no contact since and can't even wish me "Happy Thanksgiving" although we ended on a friendly note.

I'd understand it if I was a b!tch to her.. or if I was a crying mess.. but I've only really depicted my true self for awhile which is a happy and confident woman..

I hope I don't sound cocky.. I just know that I'm a different person.

so why do I put up with it? Oh right.. caz I still have hope. Caz I still want to be married to her.

*sigh*

I guess I'm just in a phase where I wish I knew what was working and what wasn't. 97% of my DBing has really been about myself. With the little contact I have, that's been my only option. I know MDW talks about things taking longer when there is no contact.. but i don't think she meant 7 months longer.

Not that I had my hopes up, but I thought maybe something worked 2 wks ago. Maybe that's why I felt the need to text her yesterday and feel the need to ask her about the Christmas charity.. because I'm trying to get back some control over my sitch....

.... which I clearly don't have any control over.

Maybe she noticed me two weeks ago... because I really committed to this being over. That I was going to take care of myself and had set up some good boundaries. That I wasn't going to be angry but that I wasn't really going to focus on her needs or wants. That if she wanted me out of her life.. That was ok and I was prepared to move on.

Urgh...enough of the hamsterwheel. I'm a fixer... and some things can't be fixed.

I'm going to go GAL the sh!t out of my weekend.

[In_Shock]

I echo Rick on this one--- i miss people too when they aren't around -- PLUS given the nature of this board, honestly I sometimes kind of worry about them~!!

You are a fixer....and guess what we all notice???? You are fixing =======YOU!!!! You've done an amazing job.

And when 7 mo or whatever sounds like a long time.....remember 25 and the 2 years!!!! What patience!!!

I'm about a month ahead of you, Val, but you've done so much in the same period of time....

[PERSEVERANCE]

V. Have a great weekend.... GAL the %^&# out of it! You have such a great attitude & offer caring advice from the heart.... Just wanted you to know that I appreciate it.
Sincerely
P.

[Valeska19]

Thanks IS & Pers. The kind words are nice to hear.

@ Autumn - Yeah Boundaries are tough. We can figure them out together.

GALing the Sh!t out of my weekend is complete. Would go into more details, but am focused on getting some feedback about response to w in regards to the car email.

You all know me by now that I always want to keep things loving, however I need to financially protect myself. The conversation with my wife 2 wks ago put me on a bit of a rollercoaster. She hasn't spoken to me since other than the car email.

I am very thankful for our conversation and saw it as a positive, but I'll be honest... I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. You know what they say "First time - shame on you, Second time - Shame on me".

The truth is that my w has destroyed all trust with me. I can understand and forgive her decisions and her need to get me out of her life.. but I just can't trust her. It's not that I can never trust her again... just not now.

@ JS - I think I would lose more by fighting this battle. Although I can win it - going to court seems like a dumb idea and this has been the only thing that she has threatened me with. I've been smart enough to stay a step ahead of her in regards to my legal rights. This is just another example.

She DOES expect me to compromise. That's been our whole 9 yrs. She does not like it when I set boundaries. She has a hard time respecting them and her reactions to them are all over the place.

I've done a good job at setting the basics. Taking the D at my own pace is a big one. It took her awhile to accept it, but she does now.

I do NOT expect her to compromise. This is not her nature (although she would argue she does). Everything in the past 7 months has been on her own timeline and even when she does offer something (ie: paying for my health insurance) she throws that stuff up in my face later.

She has done her best to control every aspect of this debacle.

That all being said. I have decided to compromise. In some ways I am doing what you did JS.. my big boundary - I will not financially contribute to this divorce in any way. I have never told wife this and have been praying for peace on it. My heart and head agree. She wants it - she can pay for it. I will not bend on this.

But here is my response back. I mostly use this forum alot to journal. There hasn't been a ton of conversation about strategies or game planning. We don't really discuss the details of my sitch - only the details of my growth. I'm sure this has alot to do with the fact that my interaction is regardless.

MWD says to ask for what we want... so I'm asking for that kind of feedback, Strategies, guidance from our vets... whatever you want to call it.

Because.. I REALLY struggle with being loving vs. being a push over. I want to keep the good vibe going from the last two wks but I also need continue to protect myself financially.

I find myself slightly struggling now that she does seem to have a slight change of heart in her reactions with me. My friends caution me, I caution me, but I also don't want to smash her changes either.

so your feedback is GREATLY appreciated.

_______


W,
Thank you for your email. I accept your offer of x for the versa.
However before I remove my name from the title, the following needs to be done.

1. The Ford Focus Title needs to transferred over to my name (It's in hers only).
2. The amount of x needs to be paid either via money order or certified check.

If you are uncomfortable with this, I am willing to sign any document stating that I will release my half of the car once payment is complete.

Also per our last conversation, I will not pay for any fees in regards to splitting of the cars. I have accepted that this divorce must happen and will not stop you or the process from moving forward, However I will in no way financially contribute to it.

Since this will be the last time we will need to see each other until tax season, I would like you to bring The CD sleeves so I can get all of my CD's back as well of my half of the "rainy day" jar.

I will bring all of your documents but will keep anything with both of our names under it.

Thanks,
Val

___________

[JamesG]

Valeska19-

Thank you for the insight and words of advice. As a newcomer, your words are very welcome.

[westcoastfella]

I guess I'm just in a phase where I wish I knew what was working and what wasn't. 97% of my DBing has really been about myself. With the little contact I have, that's been my only option. I know MDW talks about things taking longer when there is no contact.. but i don't think she meant 7 months longer.

I don't recall MWD ever giving an exact timeline of when to expect change -- she just said "could take weeks, maybe even months," which could mean any number of months. Remember, each sitch is different and may last differently according to an infinite number of variables. Some only take a few months. Or, as In_Shock mentioned with 25's sitch, could take up to two years or maybe more! It all depends on how long you're willing to fight.

Also, even if you're DB-ing like a pro, you might still also be hampered by the fact that you're on your W's time-table, not yours. Her choices are her own to make when she's ready to make them.

[JustStunned]

Val, I am a far cry from a vet here. In some respects we are on similar parts of our paths and our sitchs run in parallel. Strategies are tough especially since all we know of each sitch is what has been posted. Not to shill, but a coach is much better to strategize with.

I think the letter is strong. I think the letter is fair. Some may think it brusque, but as I have all the tact of a grenade it looks good to me. I like the fact you thought it through and it represents an action versus a reaction.

You are doing fine Val. I too had my hopes up recently. This sh!t suxs, but we’ll emerge out the other side better people for it.

As for boundaries, some people need them to know where they fit. I like to think these are people without personal boundaries they can self impose to remain useful in the society they find themselves in. Like children they push and test the boundaries. So expect it.