First post, words of wisdom needed

[sunshine76]

Hi everyone, I am so grateful that I found this forum. I finished reading DB'n a week ago and been working on doing a complete 180.

3 months ago my wife of 9 years let me know that ILYBNILWY. She asked me for space, which I of course did not give her and ended up pushing her even further away. I can't blame her for not wanting to be with me because I did not like the person that I was either, basically I did not appreciate her and I always had to be right about everything.

She told me that she wanted to date other people, so obviously she either has some kind of a connection with someone or wants to form one. The funny thing is that I am not mad about it because I was the one that has pushed her away all of these years so basically I deserve it.

This week I started working on the 180. I am trying to find the lighthearted fun side of myself again and show that to her.

A few weeks ago (before I had read DB'n) I asked her if we could just date and try to have some fun together. She said that she wished that we could just date, but that she couldn't because we are living together and that would be to hard on her. She also said that she cannot imagine me sleeping in the same bed with her again. I overheard her talking to her friend and she is very intent on trying to find someone to go out on a date with.

If moving out would allow me to date her I would do it in a heartbeat but I do not have the money to move out (going back to school and currently looking for part-time work).

I am just looking for any words of wisdom. Once someone has emotionally detached is there any way to get them back? This weekend she cleaned "her" room and removed all of my stuff from it. It felt like a knife in my heart but I didn't say anything, in fact I told her how nice the room looked.

I would really appreciate any insight that you may have. I have read through almost all of the posts on this sight and I just wanted to thank you all for sharing your stories.

Sunshine

P.S. we do not have any kids (except for our 4 legged ones :-)

[dbmod]

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[techguy]

Much of this is common for newcomers, though the blatent "I want to find someone to date" kind of sticks out. Typically folks like to get the divorce before they start trolling. Perhaps she's just being up front. (The secret affair is, of course, common).

Folks usually try to stay in house if they are wanting to preserve the marriage, it gives you more time to let her see your changes.

[techguy]

What have you been doing to "get a life"? Have you been going out with friends? If she won't let you date her, at least let her see you having fun with others!

[sandi2]

I don't think you have stated specifically why she wants out of the M other than she wants "space".....and she wants that b/c she wants to date. Has she actually asked for S or a D? I know she said it would be hard on her dating you and living together at the same time. How old is your wife?

She told me that she wanted to date other people, so obviously she either has some kind of a connection with someone or wants to form one. The funny thing is that I am not mad about it because I was the one that has pushed her away all of these years so basically I deserve it.

How did you push her away all these years? What do you think you've done to "deserve" this?

You said you've been working on doing a complete 180. What is your 180?

Is she the breadwinner in this M while you're going to school?

Once someone has emotionally detached is there any way to get them back?

Are you talking about her being emotionally detached, or you?

Let me speak on the woman's behalf. Yes! But there are some important issues to consider that are involved in each case. For example, if she's been in an EA or PA. The amount of resentment she has toward you, and how long she's carried it. How big or small a risk taker she is. How much she would lose by leaving you, and how much would she gain by leaving you. Are you worth it? Can she see a hint at the man she thought she was marrying? These kind of questions are to be considered, but above all, I think it will depend upon how you make her feel.

If her emotional needs have not been met for a long time and she's running on fumes, then it could take quite a while, but if you think she's worth it....then you will do what you can to be the man she would not want to go through life without.

[sunshine76]

Thank you both very much for replying. Let me just clarify that my partner and I are not legally married, but we have been together for over 9 years and had a commitment ceremony.

We moved to California about 9 months ago and I really do not have any friends so I just recently started going to the movies by myself or going and driving around in my car. She doesn't ask who I am going with so I just let her think what ever she would like. I am acting upbeat and happy around her. When she leaves I do not ask where she is going... I have stopped texting her. I am not sure what else I should be doing. I am really trying to focus on school and finding a part-time job right now so a social life is not really on my radar but I see where is would make things easier.

My partner is 45 years old and I am 35. When we moved to California she encouraged me to go back to school, so she is now the main bread winner. I pushed her away by being moody and depressed all of the time, yet when I was around friends I would always put on a smile, laugh... Basically, she got the crappy side of me. We had a ton of very stressful things happen since we have been together for example, my mom was killed in a car accident, she had colon cancer, her dad died, her mom had breast cancer, and believe it or not the list goes on and on. The funny thing about us is that we really balanced each other out. When one of us was down the other one would step in and vice versa. We were always closest when there was some kind of turmoil going on. I guess we just got used to surviving and forgot to have fun and take care of our relationship.

She feels like I am completely smoothering her. She wants to go out and ride her bike all day on saturday and not have to come home to me being in a bad mood because she did not spend the day with me. She also said that she wants someone that shares the same interests as she does i.e. long distance bike riding.

So far my 180 is absolutly no sulking in front of her. I have been happy and upbeat. I have gone out a couple of times this week by myself just to get out of the house. I really don't know what else I could or should be doing.

She really is a great person but she has definetely emotionally detached and I don't like the person that she is right now, but I guess there were a lot of times when she didn't like me too.

Thank you both again for responding. I haven't talked to anyone about all of this so it is nice to have people to talk to. I am totally open to suggestions and constructive criticism.

Thank You,
Sunshine

[techguy]

First thing that happened when I suddenly found my relationship in trouble... you desperately want to fix the "love". You suddenly start trying to fix it and you just end up smothering them.

My best advice it to totally forget about "fixing" anything with your partner. Just make yourself a better person and <always> portray a happy and successful image. But you can't just "fake it" (though you do sometimes have to "fake it until you make it"). They will sense the fakery and it is a turn off. To be succesfull you really have to change yourself for real.

I know how hard it seems to do this. You are in a total panic because you might lose your partner. But The Buddhists say that unhappiness only comes because we desire. Lose the desire and the fear\unhappiness goes away.

So, as odd as it seems, the best way you can save your relationship is to totally forget about it for now. Just focus on yourself.

[sunshine76]

Thank you techguy! I love your reference about budhism and losing desire. I am definetely not there yet but I am trying to fake it until I make it.

I truly want to make permanent positive changes in my life. It finally clicked that happiness is a choice and that I can make a conscious decision to be happy. I'm not going to lie, it's not easy but I am taking babysteps and learning.

I was thinking about what made my partner fall in love with me and I came to the realization that it was because I would do small quirky things that would make her smile and let her know that I was thinking of her. So I have decided to try doing a few things like that for her and see how she responds.

Today she sent me a picture because she got home from working out and our dog had gotten into the trash and it was all over the place. The worst thing that our dog did was to eat her red vine candy. So today I bought her red vines, used a blank sheet of paper as rapping paper and drew a funny picture on the front. I put it under her windshield wiper while she was at work so she would find it before coming home. I than made sure that I was not at home when she got there. She sent me a text thanking me so much and when I got home she was laughing and said that what I did, "was sweet." I simply smiled and said that I was glad she liked it and then I went upstairs.

I am not getting my hopes up and I am staying away as much as possible, but I just want to make her smile.

I'm not sure if I should have done this or not, but it seems like if I got a positive response than it was the right thing to do, but at this point in my life I don't know whether to scratch my watch or wind my butt (quote from steel magnolia's).

Thanks again I will keep updating daily.

[sandi2]

Wow, that's too much for most any couple to bear without it taking a toll on the R.

I don't ask this to be offensive, but are both of you women?

Being in a new location and depending upon her to help financially while you attend school could cause you to definitely experience some panic feelings, just in that one area. Has you detected any resentment from her about this?

[sunshine76]

Hi Sandi, thank you for responding again. Sorry, I should have clarified in my first post that we are both women.

Up until we moved to California we both kept our finances seperate which was my choice because I am kind of anal when it comes to money and she is not so I did not want finances to be a source of contention.

I felt like a total loser having to depend on her when we got to California ( she never made me feel that way, those were my own feelings). I should have got a job right away, but I didn't because she said don't worry about it right now I want you to go back to school. She was being loving and supporting of me and I was still acting like a jerk. I was extremely lonely so I would complain all of the time that she was working to late, that I wasn't happy in California... When I write down the way that I behaved and read it back I am just so ashamed of my behavior.

I did not realize that she was totally stressed out about money until about a month before she said that she did not want to be with me. I don't think finances played a very big part in her decision, but it definetely added another layer of stress and negative feelings which did not help.

Right now I am just really focusing on bringing the happy fun side of me to the surface. I couldn't stand the person that I was before and I blamed her. If I have any hope of succeeding at this I need to find out how to make myself happy first and foremost.

Thanks again Sandi, I hope you have a great day!