He told me that he was divorced in his heart. That is why doesnt feel like he is cheating on me.
He sends me mix messages such as, like Friday night at was his apt. helping with D and I was laying in the bed nexted to our D and he gave her a kiss on cheek and gave me a kiss on the cheek and patted my butt. Same thing Saturday night. Saturday when I was helping with our D she was on my lap and he tackled her and as he was tackling her he was squeezing my boob.
I think your H is manipulating you. If he's hugging you, holding your hand, etc. I don't believe his feelings for you are "empty". Do you remember being "done" with someone you broke up with? Usually you want to avoid them at all costs, you don't continue to seek them out, and you certainly avoid physical contact if you can.
I think H is extremely fearful of needing you more than you need him. Your detaching is knocking him off balance, so he's ramping up the aggression to "keep you in your place". He's going to be just nice enough to keep you on the line, but will then continue to knock you down so he stays in control of the relationship.
I could certainly argue that leaving the hair clips in view was a power play. I would bet he fears getting to a place where you don't want to kiss him or hug him -- he doesn't know what to do in that scenario.
Detaching did NOT drive him to have sex with a co-worker as others have pointed out -- put that out of your mind. You need to reverse the power dynamic here if you want him back to stay. Write on your hand "H needs me more than I need him" -- convince yourself of that or "act as if". Next time he asks you to come over to ML and you tell him "no", you'll make progress. That will scare him so he may lash out by telling you he's sleeping with someone else, telling you he doesn't like you anymore, etc. He'll do what he can to hurt you because he's scared. Be tough, stay the course, make him come back to you on YOUR terms, not his.
--Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Well, when I found out Friday that he was having an affair, I told him as long as he was with her, that would not have sex. And he said he was okay with that.
Then Saturday when I left he wanted to hug me and I said no.
Good for you! I know that is *so hard* to refuse because you really want it, but it's not going to work for you long term. Cutting him off and making him wonder is the best thing you can do right now.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Sitting in class tonight, guess who I get a text from? Yes, my H. He text me to tell me that he had spank our D. But he never gave a reason why. I did not reply. I wonder if he is wondering why I am not answering his texts and phone calls lately? Probably not.
