WAW in Los Angeles

[Valeska19]

Hey WAW
Haven't heard from you in awhile... how are things? I hope you had a good Thanksgiving.

Your wife's behavior mirrors a little bit of my w. My guess is that means it a little bit of the standard "WAW script" we all have come to know.

I listened to a good sermon today about forgiveness.. and it said that it can't come without anger or without consequence. Not that we should act out in anger or that we should punish our spouse, but I think that if we AREN'T Angry for awhile... we can't get to a place of forgiveness.

Doing what's best for you is hard.. I completely know what you are feeling... but every action has a consequence. If you know in your heart that when you take care of you... you are doing it without punishing your wife... it'll be okay.

Sure she may get angry and she may say and do hurtful things? She's doing that now anyway.. and you aren't even provoking it.

My point - take care of you - cause no one else will. Trust that what you put out, you will receive.

You'll be taken care of.

((( )))

[wawinla]

Journal:

It was a quiet Thanksgiving. I cooked for my mom and brother who came over. It was a little sad since it'll be my Thanksgiving in the house.

Before Thanksgiving, my WAW came over to discuss the marriage settlement agreement. The meeting had it's emotional ups and downs. She kept pressing me on points on the document and I struggled with protecting myself. In the end, we left it with me taking a turn on the document and sending her my edits. Neither of us want to engage outside parties, but I'm not sure if that's realistic or prudent.

During the interaction, there were moments where my WAW showed some emotion (e.g., teared up, laughed). She made it clear to me that her goal in this process is to feel no emotion in the midst of what is by nature a tense situation. I'm not trying to attribute hope to any of this, but I find it interesting that she is doing her best NOT to feel emotions.

I'm making progress on the work front. Not being fully employed affects so much of my interaction with my WAW and at times my GAL. She has referenced multiple times that she would have expedited the D, but has tried to remain sensitive due to my job status. I can't help but wonder how appealing I can be in this current state. This topic brings up alot of anger and frustration in me because of our R. My WAW has always sought respect and validation from others..we both have. It explains our push when younger to focus on career and school. It's difficult to not feel discarded and abandon by her. What adds to the frustration and anger is that she credits alot of her success (e.g., getting into Ivy League grad school) on our R. As we go through the unwinding, friends emphasize to me that I need to let go and get what I deserve. It's tough seeing the person you thought you would be with for the rest of your life as a party in a business negotiation.

(Deep breath). A friend told me that going through a D is like traveling through a garden hose. You can't go back, stop, and it's uncomfortable and scary. But in the end, you'll make it out to the other side and things will be better. I know I'll get through this and out of the hose. I'm just looking so forward to getting there.

[Rick1963]

WLA my W has always pushed for me to make more. My W makes twice what I make. She has always thrown that in my face. She filed for aD. So remember that the more you make the more you pay if you can live with the current income stay with It until you are D. You may get some spousal support but not sure based on your years married.

[Valeska19]

WLA (like this much better than WAW)

I think WAWs do alot of things to reaffirm they have made the right decisions. "hiding" emotions,IMO, is one of them.

In some ways, I feel like they go through a similar emotional gambit. Just as we do our best to not act out of negative emotions towards them, they do the same with positive emotions.

It's like they mirror us. Same thing.. Just backwards.

I also think we all feel abandoned and rejected. What are you doing for yourself lately?

Also.. In regards to getting what you "deserve".. Don't let overpower what you "want". The two might not always match up.

In my sitch, I DESERVED half.. But all the banter was causing such emotional distress that I WANTED that emotional stability more!

What does WLA want right now?

[wawinla]

WLA (like this much better than WAW)

You're right, WLA sounds better. Besides, it's geographically accurate too as I live in Westwood/Brentwood.

I also think we all feel abandoned and rejected. What are you doing for yourself lately?

Good question. I fallen into the rut of being alone which hasn't helped. The combination of dealing with the settlement agreement and the holidays has put me in a funk. Thanks for the reminder that I need must make the effort to interact with others more.

I hope to secure a FT position in January...things look promising right now. Having s routine again will help a great deal.

Also.. In regards to getting what you "deserve".. Don't let overpower what you "want". The two might not always match up.

In my sitch, I DESERVED half.. But all the banter was causing such emotional distress that I WANTED that emotional stability more!

What does WLA want right now?

I've been wrestling with this for awhile. I'm sending my edits to the agreement this week, so I'll see the reaction I get from my WAW.

I too feel that I deserve half, but I DON'T want this to drag on. She's getting on with her life, and I need to do that too. If you can't tell, I'm not detaching very well.

THANKS for the encouragement/support.

[Valeska19]

Brentwood is a pretty area.

I'll keep you in my prayers that you get that FT position. I've been working like Mad all of December.. it has been a god send.

It makes sense that you are wrestling with that stuff. Take it slow - meditate or pray.. whatever you like.

There is no rush on any of this stuff. It SHOULD be on YOUR timeline now.

Ditto - on the detaching. Keep on trying!

((( )))

[wawinla]

Journal:

My path took another turn this weekend.I met my mother and learned that she has kidney cancer. The course of treatment is surgery (chemo and radiation is not effective), so her doctor is operating right after the new year. The cancer appears to be in the early stages, but at my mom's age (70's) the procedure will be taxing for her. Keeping positive thoughts and the time we have over the holiday becomes that much more meaningful.

I saw my WAW last night, and I let her know about my mom. Instead of discussing the settlement agreement, she wanted to talk about my mother. For the last 18 years, my mom has been her mother as my WAW has been estranged from her family. My WAW wants to spend time with my mom...both before the procedure, be at the hospital the day of the surgery, and afterwards to see if she is okay.

My initial thoughts are is this a good idea?

Thoughts?

[NYCPeter]

I'm very sorry to hear about your mother.

If you read any of my posts you'll see I have made many, many mistakes so rarely give advice - but this one is a no-brainer to me.

If it provides comfort to your mother then it's a great idea. But that should be the sole purpose of doing it.

I wish your mother a speedy recovery.

[wawinla]

Journal:

Happy holidays everyone. I've been away dealing with my mom's situation as well as needing some distance. As my D moves forward, I needed time away as my daily visits to the board triggered a variety of emotions that made GAL difficult. That being said, the support and advice I've received here has made the journey bearable. I will be eternally grateful for the wisdom I've garnered from here.

My mom's cancer surgery is in a few weeks. Since the news, I've spent as much time with her as possible. It's comforting to know that she is handling the situation bravely and admirably. I'm hopeful and praying for a good outcome.

I spent Christmas with my WAW and my family. My WAW wants to be supportive of my mom (my mom does appreciate the concern), but it has been awkward. The latest request from my WAW is that she wants to spend time with my family but alone. I'm leaving it up to my mom, but it seems selfish to me.

In terms of the D, my WAW has engaged an attorney. She's clearly upset/frustrated that the process isn't completed so now I have to deal with lawyers. She accused me of stalling, why she never get's her way (vs. how I always got my way in the relationship), throwing a temper tantrum when I got angry when she casts her accusations. She's still angry, hurt, and full of hostility toward me. The demonizing continues.

I miss my WAW and our R, but I deserve to be happy. I don't know if I've dropped the rope, but I do know that my focus is the future and becoming the best possible me.

[Valeska19]

WLA,
Thank you for your kind words on my board. Whilst I'm home and spending time with my sister and mom, I completely get that the holidays have different meaning outlook.

Sorry to hear about your mom. She'll be in my prayers.

I haven't been in your situation so take my advice with a pound of salt....

... I know it's hard having your wife around your mom and you.. especially seeing that you are reaching a part in the D process that brings out the anger.. in both of you.

But you have to keep the two separate. No matter the outcome, this is not about your w or you, it is about your mom.

If she takes comfort in your w's presence OR if she has chosen to love your w by placing your w's needs above her own......

... than honor her wishes. Because clearly she is a good woman.

And if for some reason the good Lord decides to take her home, than let her last memories of you be... of a loving son who in a moment of crisis.. chose to uphold his mother's beliefs and show love to someone who was currently being unlovable.

I can not speak for your mom but my mom cries when she sees my good deeds or my turning of the cheek.. even to my wife. To her.. there is no greater gift to her than to know that she raised a loving daughter.

I expect the same to ring true for your mom.

And although I may not know exactly what you are going through, I DO know that if you continue to be loving.. that you will have no regrets in this whole experience. You loved your mom through this process to put her needs above yours. You loved your wife through this process by giving her the opportunity to spend time with a person who means alot to her.
You loved yourself because no matter the outcome, you will be proud of your actions and will not have to "live" with any regrets.

It's not easy.. but IMHO real love isn't or everyone would do it....

...but you are good, loving man WLA. Now is the time to shine.

((( )))