Feel like I'm living the movie Groundhog Day...

[workinghardguy]

I've largely believed, really from the start, that we would have to "go through the rabbit hole" before we ever came out the other side together. I don't know that we will ever recon, but I have strongly believed it won't happen until after we're apart. My W needs for this to happen, for whatever reason. I can't say that it makes sense to me but it makes sense to her.

Years ago when I worked with at-risk youth I would be baffled by their irrational behavior. Then one of our senior staff helped me understand that while I may see their behavior as irrational, it IS rational to them. I just can't share their frame of reference because I'm not an at-risk youth with their background and history.

So it is here... My W's actions are irrational to ME (and maybe to the average person too). But it's irrelevant whether I think they are rational or not; they are rational to her. Only when the framework of her life changes, and what is rational and not rational changes because the framework changes, is there a real likelihood of her having a change of heart.

So in essence, my W isn't secretive because she doesn't see this as something wrong to do or something to be ashamed of. In fact, I would say it is the opposite... she is somewhat proud of standing on her own two feet, taking life by the horns, and doing what she feels she wants to do. To accomplish this pride she is minimizing the damage and trauma that will occur with the children, but of course there is no way to invalidate that view. Again, not until the reality hits do I see even a chance of having her "strong, single woman" mantra impacted. And in the interest of equal treatment, I am probably playing up in my own head the trauma and damage that will happen to the children. I'm not a fortune teller, so I don't know how this will or won't hurt our kids. I know it won't be wonderful and peaches, but it probably won't be as devastating as I've played it up in my mind to be.

She just texted me to tell me that she was able to get one of her student loans put into forebearance. That will save us $400/month. I replied that she did nice work and asked how long the forebearances were for. She replies with, "Until next November, but full deferment once back in school. We'll have some more money now for bills to get paid off and for me to save to move."

See... it's that last phrase that just drives me nuts. Yes, I know you want to move and this is part of that... I'm not an idiot.

All I replied with was, "Yep, I know". But you know what? I didn't want to reply with "no please don't" or "why?" or any of that. I just wanted to reply with what I did, because if she wants to go then I want her to go. I am sad, heartbroken really, and it hurts like hell. But if this is what she needs then go do it. And let's do it... because this constant dull grind is wearing pretty thin.

As I type this I wish I hadn't replied as I did... should've gone with the sarcastic humor I'm known for... something more like, "You're moving? Why didn't anyone tell me?" would have been much more my style