i've been reading your posts for the few weeks that i've been here and i've been impressed by your resolve to change yourself and to make things better for you and your children with the idea that a side benefit could be to model behavior for your husband to see and to, eventually, save your marriage.
i don't have any advice to offer being too new to the forum and also just starting this whole process myself. i recognize there are things about myself/actions/behaviors that have had poor outcomes and i would like to change those and, at the same time, i feel pretty happy with who i am as a person, as a unique human being of intrinsic value and worth and thus think that i should be loved as i am, flaws, scars, imperfections and all. alas, that is my view and not one that my W shares with me.
i have, finally, taken off my ring.... but then i put it back on and took it off again. i have no idea why i'm doing that however i think that it may be an external aspect of my feelings of detachment through this whole process of divorcing. she's made it clear that she isn't interested in working this out with me that the issues are irreconcilable and that she's going to move on with her life.
i have to respect that and take her seriously so i'm working through it as best that i can. it's been 94 days of tears for me and, yesterday, was the first day that i haven't wept for what is happening. progress? i can't really say however i do know that i feel very little compulsion to give in to her demands regarding who i am and what i like in life.
perhaps it is the case for me that this relationship is well and truly done. the thing is, for me at least, is that she's the first person in my life that i've ever really trusted to let inside my walls...and if we could both change and develop a new relationship, i would like that very much. i don't want what we had but i'd like to have something new with her, if that makes sense.
thank you for sharing your story, it helps me to feel not so alone and isolated when i hear that others are struggling with many of the same issues and are desirous for their marriage to remain intact. i have friends that encourage me to read the writing on the wall and get myself out before too much damage to my self-esteem and self-worth are inflicted. whilst they mean well they don't really know me well and don't know what i really want even when i tell them. i suppose they can see it from the outside and it probably looks very different to them than it does to me.
we set up our xmas tree and decorated it this weekend as well. i went to bed in the basement early last night. she opened the basement door and called down to me and when she realized i was asleep she slammed the door shut. i don't know what she wanted and i'm not going to ask. if she wants to tell me she will.
