Thank you for taking the time to read, i could really use your help and.advice. unfortunately my friends and family all think i should forget about my H and so i have no support for my DBing. we separated after two years of marriage because my H didnt believe he was 'in love' with me any more. He had an EA with a work colleague, although that did not last very long. I moved out in JUly. I truly believe that he has struggled with the relationship moving on from the honeymoon period. Since I moved out we talk daily and see each other a few times a week. Three times now he has said he would like to give things ago,only to very quickly change his mind. Unfortunately each time I have reacted badly,begging pleading etc, and it's taking time to get back on track.
A week and a half ago he has again said he would like to see what happens. ON friday though he again said he was having doubts. Rather than flipping out as I usually would I asked him to explain these doubts, and for the first time he did. they are that he thinks he must have done his for a reason, and worries what if nothing has changed and what if this happens again. Despite feeling like this he would still like to see what happens. I feel it is massive progress that he has told me this, and now feel the situation is more precarious than ever. I dont know how to behave to give us the best chance to get through this part, other than to not focuss on the relationship. can anyone give me advice? i woild really appreciated it.
I dont know how to behave to give us the best chance to get through this part, other than to not focuss on the relationship. can anyone give me advice?
Not this
Originally Posted By: tinker
I have reacted badly,begging pleading etc, and it's taking time to get back on track.
Have you read the Divorce Remedy book? I would suggest starting there.
Thank you so much for your post cadet - you are so right. I had not seen the pursuit distance post before and I can see so much of our relationship in it. I also not see that I would make things so easy for him when he would only show a bit a interest....that has to stop!
Well, H came round tonight amd told me because he's not feeling it he thinks its not right and can't see we're going to go any where. I've been here with him so many times but it still doesn't get any easier. Rather than crying amd asking him to change his mind, this time I just told him I loved him, he was my best friend, but I wanted us both to be happy so he needs to do what he needs to do. I don't know if this was right or not but it was certainly a change to my usual response. He later text me saying 'I behave like this and you still behave with such dignity and still show love. Night night, little chat tomorrow if you fancy.' And so it begins again.
I don't know what any of this means but will definitely not be getting in touch with him. Any thoughts would be gratefully received. I'm going to try and get more involved with other people's posts too- its just with out a computer at the moment I'm having to use my phone which isn't so easy!
Hope thank you for your words of encouragement. Its nice to know I can come on here and not be alone. If only I had a pound for every time someone said to me ' there's someone else out there for you, let him go....'
'When the world says 'give up', hope whispers 'try it one more time'.
'When the world says 'give up', hope whispers 'try it one more time'.
You can have all the HOPE you want just NO EXPECTATIONS.
Start thinking of you H as a squirrel that you are trying to feed. You can hold your hand out with food in it but you can not make any sudden movements towards or away. If he comes and eats that is fine but if he runs away that must be fine too. Just continue to be still.
You know if you let something go and it comes back to you then it was yours but if it never comes back then it was really never yours to begin with.
I think you did fine with your interaction with him.
I feel so much of what you're going through. I have dealt and am currently dealing with a similar sitch. You can go on my profile and read my posts to get a better understanding if you like, but beware, they are pretty long...LOL!!
Anyway, my H also had an EA with a coworker. No PA that I know of, but I have my suspicions. Lots of talking on the phone and texting very inappropriate things to eachother, but I'm sure you know what I'm talking about.
I've been dealing with this since August 2011. The back and forth of H saying he wants to work on it, then can't, then wants to, etc. I finally hit my breaking point at the beginning of this month. Knowing they were in constant contact was more then I could bear, and I finally made the decision to leave. I'm not sure if this was my H rock bottom or not, but I feel like it was our breaking point. He finally saw what life was like with me and our D11 in it, and I'm not sure he was prepared for this. He was living the life, having his cake and eating it too. Once this wasn't happening anymore, he couldn't handle it.
I did move back pretty quickly, which I'm battling with as I sometimes feel like maybe I should have waited to make sure things were done with OW and H. I think they are, but am not completely positive of this. OW and H ended up getting in an argument because when I left H stopped talking to OW as much. He was trying to process what he needed and wanted and OW wasn't giving him the space he needed to figure this out and it angered him.
We are in the piecing stage now and I know we have a long road ahead of us, but I am doing everything I can to keep up with my 180's and GALing. It's very important to do this. I can't express to you how much these things have helped me.
I too in the beginning did the begging, pleading, crying, all the things DBing tells you not to do. This definitely just pushed H away, so as hard as it is, and trust me I know how you feel right now, DON'T DO THIS ANYMORE...
Definitely get the DR book...it will help put things into perspective for you, and definitely come on this site often. It helps get you through knowing that all of us are or have been where you are right now. These people have become in a sense family to me. They have given me the advice,love and support I've needed in really dark times.
And remember, you will get through this no matter what the end result may be. We are all here to help you, listen to you and hold you when you need us.
Contact me anytime you need anything okay?? BIG HUGS!!
Freebird
M:38, H:37, SS:17, D:12 ILYBINILWY: Aug. 2011 OW Discovered: Mid Aug. 2011 Piecing from Aug. - Oct.2011 I Moved out: Nov.2011 Moved back in piecing since: Nov. 5, 2011 H talking to OW again: May 15
Hi freebird,thank you so much for your post, it really comforted me me to know i'm not alone,as much as i am sorry for all you are going through.
well, it's been another few weeks of going back and forth,he wants to try then he doesn't. he asked me last night where the love had gone. when i asked him what he meant, he said 'the passion'. today he has asked me to spend christmas with him and his parents. but he followed it up with he was pretty sure it was not going to change anything, but he will see what happens. part of me is looking forward to spending the time with him,the other part is convinced i'm going to mess it up and push him even further away.
does anyone have any advice about how best to handle the weekend? i feel as thouh in his mind everything is hanging on it, and unless that 'passion' comes flooding back he's not going to be interested in going any further.
Tinker, read about the stages of marriage. You will find that in many books, it is also in MWD's Divorce Remedy.
Unfortunately, many WAS use the excuse of ILYBNILWY to leave the M. Sometimes it may be that the expectations are not realistic, fueled by misconceptions on what it is, the stereotype Hollywood love. Also, many WAS meet an OP and feel all of those feelings that they once had for their spouse.
My H felt the same way and initially had felt hopeless about our M, feeling that he was stuck in misery.
In our case, Retrouvaille helpe him see that there are many kinds of love, and that one can make a decision to love to maintain the committment.
Perhaps you can discuss with your H about what mature love is? maybe you can watch the movie Fireproof? I don't know, if you are religious, or spiritual, but understanding what Biblical love is also helps.
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
You should try to get your H to go with you to a Retrouvaille weekend. Check the website, www.helpourmarriage.org for dates and locations. He doesn't have to make any decisions before going there. Just go and explore the relationship in the very private setting that Retrouvaille creates. These people have saved many marriages where people have trouble committing. Yours could be one of them!
