This is what I'm struggling with as I'm now facing that fact that H is not coming back. My desire to have what we used to be kept fueling my hope. My hope kept me looking for signs and reading into what really wasn't there.
Well here are my thoughts although CAT and Beatrice have given you great advice.
You are getting into the darkest part of the tunnel with no light behind or ahead. Most LBS give up at this point, so what you are feeling is perfectly natural.
You know that your old marriage was over at BD, so although you looked for signs and signals it would not have mattered one way or the other.
You don't know that your husband is not coming back, or is coming back. There really is no predicting that. So YOU know that the conventional advice is to get on with living your life "as if" he is not coming back. Really that is all we can do. What that means only YOU can decide. That is really the good deal out of all this is that YOU get to decide for YOU. You get to choose for D12 (or is she 13 now?) and you and all the others are old enough to fend for themselves.
The rest of it as you know is straight out of the MLC handbook. If it was not happening to YOU then I know that you would have good advice for yourself.
Keep detached and try not to get drawn into his tricks.
One thing I have come to realise is how much a part of me envied and resented my xh's running off to start over a new life. Rationally and emotionally on one level I knew it was a pointless and damaging act. BUT the LBS has no choice but to deal with the fallout on themselves and their children.
A bit of me would have liked to up stakes, take up with a new romantic partner, not worry about my former home, bills, or children, and run off into a new and glorious life. Oh and blame it all on our spouse for causing it. And let's face it that phase of MLC lasts for a long time, while we plod along feeling like a rejected old boot, with our children hurt bewildered and angry, and a lot of the world assuming that our marriage was never up to much . . . .
no wonder the injustice of it all is re-ignited by hearing a chance remark from our former spouse which so does not get it. It is a gut wrenching and wrecking and devastating experience, whichever way you look at it.
I agree with Cadet, you are at the darkest part of the tunnel now - doing it for ever and it never seeming to end
Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. So much strength and wisdom here.
I'm reading and re-reading and considering everything that has been said. I will take some time to process it all and figure out how to continue forward.
Thank you for listening, understanding, and for your help.
Cadet, you're right. I can't see light ahead of me and none behind me. I will keep putting one foot in front of the other. If I stumble, I know where to get help.
Seeking, I only ask this of you....sit quietly and allow the information to fall into your lap. Do not make any decisions while you are angry or upset w/him. Step away from his drama for a while and I sincerely believe you will have the clarity you need to make the best decision.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You admit that XH comments touched a nerve and that I understand. My question is…what do you expect from your email? Do you expect him to apologize? Do you expect him to all of sudden stop saying these things. Think about it for a sec….You have tried to talk to him about your M, it has not worked. You have held your head up high yet he still does things that irritate you.
It appears to me that his statements and/or actions are still triggering your buttons. That sweetie is the problem I see. YOUR BUTTONS.
Take them away from him. Accept that he is going to say and do whatever it is that he feels like saying. At the end of the day…who really gives a hoot.
Your button comes with an “attachment”. An attachment to your H. Sever the attachment by removing the button.
Do you still want your H? If so, why?
If not, then why allow him to take control of your emotions?
We often say we are taking the high road and I have NO DOUBT that YOU have! In the end though, perception is the issue. Your H’s has his own perception. You have yours. They are different.
SA, take away the button. Keep doing what you need to do and please stop worrying about what he says, does, thinks or feels. There will come a time when honestly you do not give a rats as* what he says.
FWIW, I am sorry that you are still going through this. Just remember, that YOU control YOUR destiny! YOU control when you get off of the rollercoaster.
In closing, your grace and dignity continue to amaze me.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Eric, thank you. I didn't send the email. I came here for advice and support and got just what I needed. I realize that H still was able to push a button. Don't quite understand why it got to me so much this time, as there has been so many others that have just rolled off my back.
Maybe it's because money was so important to him. I've been making do and even struggling at times while H has been living very well, as evidenced by his purchases. Purchases and a life with ow that he has no problem paying for but will find it more difficult when the D is final. If he had been living like I have been, he would have no problem other than the resentment of what he has to pay me. Which BTW would not be forever.
I guess I just don't understand why he had to make it about me as to why he couldn't D me. Why couldn't he just have said it would cost him more than he wanted to pay to D me. Why did he have to lie and drag my name through the mud in the small community where I live and work. My job is in a school and very public.
I have tried to conduct myself with dignity. I haven't run H down or blamed him. I kept most things to myself except for a very few people who I've trusted that wanted to know more about MLC. I don't ask H for anything nor do I expect anything from him. I just leave him alone to live his life. Why couldn't he have just returned the favor?
I rarely ride the coaater and I don't think I got back on now, just was PO and hurt by the choice H made to blame me for something I had no part in.
At one point during our separation, XH emailed me and wanted to know why I was 'going after' him, when I had let off my first husband so easily. My answer was simple logic. My first marriage lasted 3 whole years. We didn't have anything to 'go after'. As for what he and I had, I had twenty years invested in our life together, and was just as entitled to it as he was.
PLEASE, DO NOT settle for less just to make him shut up, or get it over with, or because you feel sorry for him. You have the rest of YOUR life to live, and you should not forfeit in order to make his more comfortable.
As for his use of you as the scapegoat for not getting the D, Just smile and walk away. If you don't have at least a reasonable legal settlement, get one. He can put his money where his mouth is.
The rule of thumb that worked for me??? Ask for twice what you would happily receive. The judge is going to cut what you ask for, and hubby will think he got off light. It will take time for him to realize he has been "punk'in'd"
In my state it's pretty cut and dried. Everything is split 50/50 unless agreed upon beforehand by the parties. H was definitely trying to get me agree to take a lot less than the state allows. It ticked him off that I wasn't going to follow his edicts and instead would take what the state allocates. This is when the spew floodgates opened. Guess I'm still paying the consequence of not giving H what he wants.
I'm just going to have to buck up because I'm sure there's more to come before this gets any better.
I guess I just don't understand why he had to make it about me as to why he couldn't D me. Why couldn't he just have said it would cost him more than he wanted to pay to D me. Why did he have to lie and drag my name through the mud in the small community where I live and work.
Because part of the script is to make you be the one that is at fault.
Cause drama, so that you are to blame. Make you do the work for the divorce so it is not your fault.
Come on I know that you have read the script, did you forget it?
