TIMES THAT TRY MENS SOULS

[gunny]

Journaling for today.

So, made it through my first holiday without my s. She dropped the bomb on June 20th of this year, and we lived in the same condo until October 20th, 2011. She then moved to Ohio to live with her sister, in the same town where she grew up.

Spent Thanksgiving day bike riding for a couple of hours along the Delaware River. It was a beautiful day, and I finished up by sitting on a park bench along the river reading a book "Hope for the Separated" by gary chapman.

Since last Sunday I have been having a particularly difficult time with feeling down, depressed, etc. The mood comes and goes, but I guess it is a function of hitting the 5 1/2 week mark since sp has been gone.

I know this is a very short time compared to many here, but what makes it more difficult is that she is many miles away, and we have no children, so there is little reason for us to interact. I called her on the day after thanksgiving, after having discussed this with my db coach last week. During the time she has been gone, she has initiated every call or email, my coach and IC both said that i do not want to go completely dark on her.

The convo was very good, she said she was going to call me to see how my holiday went. I told her that I did not want all our convos to always be about business(cabin sale, liquidation of assets etc). We talked about her mom who had her knee replaced 2 days before the holiday.

We have still not filed any paperwork for d. We have agreed not to do anything in this direction until she is able to secure a job out there that has health benefits. In this economy, that could be a while.

In the meantime, I am not sitting still. I am meeting new people all the time, though support groups and church. I have started helping out my fellow retired Marines collecting Toys For Tots at the local mall. We will be doing this from now until Christmas Eve. I have been involved in this for many years, and it gives me a chance to sit down and shoot the breeze with guys who have been on this earth for 60, 70, 80, and somtimes 90 years. They have seen it all, and most of them have been married to the same women for most of their adult life.

They all tell me their stories, and I tell them mine. Most of them say their marriages have been a series of marriages, some years good , some bad, some in between. All of them are happy they are still married, after having gone through some very rough times.

Honestly, I shudder to think how I would have made it though my sitch without some good friends and the people I have met on this board. Just reading some of the stories has been inspirational. The experience, and the ideas given here are amazing. I thank you all!

Don't know what the future will hold. I am convinced my sp will not move back here, she has never liked it here, and is now very settled with her family out there. Would I relocate to be witH her? Given the right circumstances anything is possible. Then again, if she had wanted me out there she would have asked me when she dropped the bomb.

My hat is off to those of you who have been in circumstances like mine and have DB and stood for countless months and years. All I know is this: I still love my w. I have taken responsibility for the failures I brought to my marriage. My w was pretty specific in telling me what these failures were. I am working on them, trying to understand why I did some of the things I did, and correcting them. I am also getting on with my life, going back to school in January, joing volleyball league, joining ACOA group, reconnecting with God, joining two divorce support groups.

I pray for my s everyday, and hope that she will eventually work on her issues(she may be now, I dont know, don't ask). I am determined to stay on friendly terms with her, not to harden my heart, to keep the jar open always, but go on with my life.

I thank you all for listening, all comments are welcomed!!