So, made it through my first holiday without my s. She dropped the bomb on June 20th of this year, and we lived in the same condo until October 20th, 2011. She then moved to Ohio to live with her sister, in the same town where she grew up.
Spent Thanksgiving day bike riding for a couple of hours along the Delaware River. It was a beautiful day, and I finished up by sitting on a park bench along the river reading a book "Hope for the Separated" by gary chapman.
Since last Sunday I have been having a particularly difficult time with feeling down, depressed, etc. The mood comes and goes, but I guess it is a function of hitting the 5 1/2 week mark since sp has been gone.
I know this is a very short time compared to many here, but what makes it more difficult is that she is many miles away, and we have no children, so there is little reason for us to interact. I called her on the day after thanksgiving, after having discussed this with my db coach last week. During the time she has been gone, she has initiated every call or email, my coach and IC both said that i do not want to go completely dark on her.
The convo was very good, she said she was going to call me to see how my holiday went. I told her that I did not want all our convos to always be about business(cabin sale, liquidation of assets etc). We talked about her mom who had her knee replaced 2 days before the holiday.
We have still not filed any paperwork for d. We have agreed not to do anything in this direction until she is able to secure a job out there that has health benefits. In this economy, that could be a while.
In the meantime, I am not sitting still. I am meeting new people all the time, though support groups and church. I have started helping out my fellow retired Marines collecting Toys For Tots at the local mall. We will be doing this from now until Christmas Eve. I have been involved in this for many years, and it gives me a chance to sit down and shoot the breeze with guys who have been on this earth for 60, 70, 80, and somtimes 90 years. They have seen it all, and most of them have been married to the same women for most of their adult life.
They all tell me their stories, and I tell them mine. Most of them say their marriages have been a series of marriages, some years good , some bad, some in between. All of them are happy they are still married, after having gone through some very rough times.
Honestly, I shudder to think how I would have made it though my sitch without some good friends and the people I have met on this board. Just reading some of the stories has been inspirational. The experience, and the ideas given here are amazing. I thank you all!
Don't know what the future will hold. I am convinced my sp will not move back here, she has never liked it here, and is now very settled with her family out there. Would I relocate to be witH her? Given the right circumstances anything is possible. Then again, if she had wanted me out there she would have asked me when she dropped the bomb.
My hat is off to those of you who have been in circumstances like mine and have DB and stood for countless months and years. All I know is this: I still love my w. I have taken responsibility for the failures I brought to my marriage. My w was pretty specific in telling me what these failures were. I am working on them, trying to understand why I did some of the things I did, and correcting them. I am also getting on with my life, going back to school in January, joing volleyball league, joining ACOA group, reconnecting with God, joining two divorce support groups.
I pray for my s everyday, and hope that she will eventually work on her issues(she may be now, I dont know, don't ask). I am determined to stay on friendly terms with her, not to harden my heart, to keep the jar open always, but go on with my life.
I thank you all for listening, all comments are welcomed!!
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
Gunny sorry you are having a hard time. This really stinks I know. Yesterday I was at the airport with an older fellow. He is about 74. he noticed that I have been preoccupied so he asked me. Told him my stich. He said that many years ago his W told him during dinner that she was leaving him. She left him for 6 months. They had 4 little kids. He said she would come home when he left for work and when he came home she would go back to her cousins house. He admitted that he was the problem but after going to C he got better. They have been M for almost 50 years So it is possible. Hang in there
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Went to my Divorce Care meeting last night, about 15 members there. The attendance flucuates from meeting to meeting, and the group meets every two weeks. Last nights discussion centered on Lonliness, a very appropriate subject for this time of year.
There was a new member there last night whos husband had left in April of this year, and she was completely overwhelmed. She was telling the group how ten years ago she had it all, a great job, well known in the community, just pretty high powered overall.
She left it all to have children and be a stay at home mom. Well, of course, this April, out of the blue, she was devastated. She now is left with taking care of 3 children, with no real prospects for a decent job at the moment, and no strong ties to the community she is in. We all felt terrible for her.
I saw more tears at this meeting, from people who had been affected by the recent holiday, than I have at any of the previous meetings.(I have been going for 5 meetings now). Divorce is still having a powerful effect on these people, and it is daunting to say the least.
We went off on a little tangent about whether, since love is a decision, not a feeling, people who have fallen out of love with their s are capable of falling back in love, given the right circumstances, i.e. both people have identified the problems in the m, have owned up to their respective responsibilities, and are willing to do the hard work to reconcile.
Question, what is the concensus of the board, is love a decision or a feeling, and can you fall back in love with your s?
Any takers? Would love to hear some opinions. Hope everyone is well!
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
Sorry about your tough times Gunny. You most certainly are not alone. I spent my 1st Thanksgiving in 15+ years w/o my w and although I had a good time w/ family and friends it was still tough.
As far as love being a decision or feeling I can see it as both. I think Love is impossible to define and everyone has their own beliefs about what it entails. To me its a living thing that is constantly evolving. I believe 100% that people can fall back in love. And I'm not so sure us here on this board and our sitch's and our waw have actually fallen out of love. Their are other negative beliefs and dynamics like anger and resentment clouding many things. And I think we all should be commended for maintaing our loyalty and love to our waw's or wah's even when they are treating us like ****.
Hi Gunny, It sounds like an interesting group. Two cents from a newbie: Love is a powerful base emotion that can overwhelm rational thoughts and decisions...I do believe that it is possible for a wayward spouse to fall back in love. Perhaps love never dies, but is simply buried under the pain and chaos created in troubled relationships- once the chaos subsides and pain heals, maybe the love will surface.
(F.K.A. Broken422)
US 40's M 17,T 19 2 BOYS 13,16 Divorced 4/2012 11/2011 W SAID SHE WANTS D
"When it is dark enough,you can see the stars"- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Hello P, This seemed to be the thoughts of most of the people in my group last night, mostly women, 3 men. My IC told me a couple of weeks ago that there is a current philosophy prevalent among IC'S that you marry the person you were supposed to marry(excluding abusive and addicted spouse sitch's), and that the reason you may not remain married is because you never were taught or learned the necessary life/relationship skills to help you through the inevitable changes that occur in a marriage over the years.
She said that in the past, when families were much more homogeneous and resided in the same geographic area, life experiences and wisdom garnered over generations was available for emulation, iow, examples of long lived marriages were there everyday.
Unfortunately, this is rarely the case today. Food for thought.
Thank you for posting
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
Hello Gunny, I believe people chose to remain in love; to feel the emotion. I believe the WAS chooses to bury the emotion as part of an effort to rationalize the decision to walk away.
I believe the angrier STBX seems the harder she is working to keep it buried. Provided I am not antagonizing her to anger.
I continue to allow myself to feel this emotion for STBX. Just as I allow myself to feel anger, resentment and pity. I will not allow myself to permit these emotions to overwhelm rational thought. I have been wound tightly before. I am coping. I am watching the roller coaster.
Can I love STBX again? Yes I can. I have not stopped. I perceive your question to be, Can we reconcile?
Before that could happen she needs to work through several of her issues, as I am working on mine, and we would need to build a trust relationship.
In the mean time I have too much life to live, too many people counting upon me, and a few people watching for me to stumble and quit. I must continue to move forward, to embrace the path before me. It sounds easier than it is.
Year ago I read a slogan John Deere used. I think it applies here. "There are no simple solutions, only intelligent choices."
We were forged on the same island. The longer I walk this trail, the longer this trial goes on, the more I realize the relevance of the lessons learned there and in the years that followed.
Semper Fidelis
BITS Me 55, ACK, when did that happen? Doesn't feel like 55 D 30 S 27
You create your own universe as you go along - Winston Churchill
Question, what is the concensus of the board, is love a decision or a feeling, and can you fall back in love with your s?
Any takers? Would love to hear some opinions. Hope everyone is well!
Gunny, IMO love is a decision, but the romantic love that comes and goes follows that decision. Meeting emotional needs of the other person can fuel that romantic love.
I guess another thought - if D is on the table, what's the incentive to work through your problems. If you take D off the table, then you're going to be more inclined to work through your problems.
