REQ: Looking for a thread from a fellow DBer...

[Abbey]

MZ, I mentioned the book When Good People Have Affairs in my last posting on my sitch.

I'm going to check that book out. If nothing else, this whole mess has given me a good foundation a well read person.

As for the piecing. It's pre-peicing. I'm laying that foundation (similar to acting as if, nice etc) so that he'll have something to miss. And he will. Because I intend to cut him totally off after I leave.

He *was* a good person. And there's moments where he still is. But his head is firmly up his rear a lot too. We'll see.

[Abbey]

Last night, watched the hockey games, and when I'd lean the other direction (still sitting beside him - at his request after the fight)... he'd reach his hand out and put his hand on my leg.

He also likes his back scratched and I have a cool horse type brush that makes for a good back scratcher. Since touch is something that can make a bond without the other person even realizing it... and he "lets" me... I spent an hour scratching his back, massaging his neck etc.

Blcccch.

I'll bite. I think you've jumped on the words: lets me.

So... when this thing blew up in 2008. He was completely adverse to me being within 10 feet of him. He had been convinced that I was having an affair with someone he thought was bi-sexual. (3 Guesses who put those ideas in his head.)

From that point, the hugs started. (she went away for a week.) Now. No sex. No kisses. Nothing intimate other than hugs. Then the hugs even when she came back, got longer and stronger. It's a touch thing. It's one of those 5 Love Language bits for him. (and me.) Giving him something in the way of touch and then taking it away, WORKED. It was a process that took a lot of patience and work to get to. Longer to get back together.

THIS time, he's ok with touch. Why wouldn't I utilize it? I'd be a fool not to. Why roll this all the way back to square one if I don't have to? Even though most of me feels out the door,... I do still feel *something* for him. So... since I've left a small crack in the door ... in case, why wouldn't I?

I know this is something he loves. I know it's something he isn't going to get consistently (if at all) from a self absorbed narcissistic nut job with 5 kids. (Grass was greener eh?)

Those nights he's forced to stay alone. Those nights where she pulls her tantrums. Those nights where she'll expect him to do what she wants with no self gratification for him. Those nights when she's so tired and cranky because of just having 5 daemon spawns to make dinner for, wash their clothes, clean the dishes etc etc etc. Those nights where she'll be b*tchy at him because he's not helping her.

This is a man who will gravitate towards those who make him feel good about himself. (as do most men with affairs). He likes his down time. Good luck with that.

What I know is this: IF... and I do say IF we have any chance what so ever to turn this thing around. (and that IS what DB and this site is about, is it not?)... then I have to try to not make the same mistakes I made last time. One of the biggest ones was going back together too quickly and allowing him to NOT do the work he should have done FOR us. And make amends to me.

[Abbey]

Ooops... should read as for MY piecing, it's pre-peicing. I wish they'd fix the edit thing.

[Abbey]

I know about this. H's prize nutjob staged a crime against herself, took pictures of it, showed him, said she reported it to the police, and told him I did t. THANK GOD that is when he woke up.

I knew my H for 5 years....FIVE YEARS.... as friends. He dated one of my best friends, so I really know him and he really knows me. He was a good soul. I don't know how these wack-job excuses of a female soul even get their claws into men who seem so good.

We are in piecing now, but I still can't get my head around it.

I want to ask you, because our sitchs are so similar. Could you almost (or could) predict HOW their stuff was going to play out?

I mean when I look back, and go through my diary of things that happened (and even happened now)... I have this weird ability to know what lies are coming next. What nutter crisises she's going to claim next. Did you find you had any of that insight?

My H and I have been business partners for over 20 years. We were friends for 3 years we got together. (We were married to other people). He had a girlfriend before me. Considering some of the mountains we've climbed over the years, AND what we went through during the part 1 of this mess... I'm fairly certain how their "love nest" is going to play out.

Matter of fact, I'm predicting that what will happen is: he'll end up at my door again, crying the blues that she's nuts, that he's buying his time so he can break away from her and get custody of his daughter. Want an "affair" again. (which he said in a moment of weakness, was a probability).

It will be then that she will go off her rocker AGAIN. Won't be able to claim preg hormones for her fatal attraction actions.

Once her true colors show through... She will falsely claim she's preg again - excuse for her nutter behavior. She will threaten that he'll never see his daughter. He'll go back for a few weeks.

The next set of fights will be jockeying for position for control. THEN... once he pushes back and wants more time with his daughter, or goes for real legal joint custody. She'll accuse him of sexual abuse of one/all of her kids.

He has to hit bottom. As did your H.

[Starsky309]

THIS time, he's ok with touch. Why wouldn't I utilize it? I'd be a fool not to. Why roll this all the way back to square one if I don't have to? Even though most of me feels out the door,... I do still feel *something* for him. So... since I've left a small crack in the door ... in case, why wouldn't I?

Because I GUARANTEE YOU, he observes you doing these things and thinks "See, Abbey's OK with all of this -- I've got things under control, and she is at my beckon call."

If he is getting some of his physical and emotional needs met by OW, and the rest of them met by YOU . . . why would he change his current path?

I think Schnarch calls this "the crucible," into which you try to get someone in order to make their tough life choices. But regardless, MWD calls it "pursuing," and doing them while your husband is actively engaged in an affair makes you look weak, needy and unattractive, in my opinion.


Starsky

[Starsky309]

What I know is this: IF... and I do say IF we have any chance what so ever to turn this thing around. (and that IS what DB and this site is about, is it not?)... then I have to try to not make the same mistakes I made last time. One of the biggest ones was going back together too quickly and allowing him to NOT do the work he should have done FOR us. And make amends to me.

I couldn't agree more. What part of "c'mere, honey, let me scratch your back for you" communicates "This isn't going to be easy" or "you need to stop this path you are on, and make amends to me" ???


Starsky

[Starsky309]

[quote=Nblost]

As for the piecing. It's pre-peicing. I'm laying that foundation (similar to acting as if, nice etc) so that he'll have something to miss.

I believe Dr. Harley calls this "Plan A." And it can be effective; however, it's not recommended for more then 3-6 months (and I think even that is too long) before switching to "Plan B", and it's NOT recommended when the wayward spouse is still actively engaged in an affair.


Starsky

[Abbey]

THIS time, he's ok with touch. Why wouldn't I utilize it? I'd be a fool not to. Why roll this all the way back to square one if I don't have to? Even though most of me feels out the door,... I do still feel *something* for him. So... since I've left a small crack in the door ... in case, why wouldn't I?

Because I GUARANTEE YOU, he observes you doing these things and thinks "See, Abbey's OK with all of this -- I've got things under control, and she is at my beckon call."

If he is getting some of his physical and emotional needs met by OW, and the rest of them met by YOU . . . why would he change his current path?

Because I'm going to cut him off. And he's going to miss it. Been there already with him. I *KNOW* I have to massage the ego then go into my own rabbit hole. That's why I'm doing it.

I think Schnarch calls this "the crucible," into which you try to get someone in order to make their tough life choices. But regardless, MWD calls it "pursuing," and doing them while your husband is actively engaged in an affair makes you look weak, needy and unattractive, in my opinion.

Starsky

Uhm, he's pursing me though. If one of his "complaints" was that I wasn't affectionate enough. Isn't what I'm doing a 180?

Tonight, he was late. Instead of me even acknowledging him when he came in the door, he came in, put his arms around me, hugged me, gave me the big bear hug growl. Then he starts confiding in me. (He was mad enough when I invaded his parasite's house not to do that this week end, I guess.) But guess what, I'm is BFF again. (for today anyway ) He starts talking about going after custody again. Asking my opinion, testing the waters about me raising that child. Having that child with us. He's asking my opinion again.

I'm the ONE solid calm stable thing in his life. Why wouldn't I act "as if". And just try not to lose my brains or my cool while he spins out of control?

And touch btw, is as much for me as it is him. To be honest, if it wasn't for the touch right now... I"m not sure if I'd want to even try fix this mess. It's taking EVERYTHING I am as a person not to run for the bloody hills. Doing so would be at my own financial security and detriment.

People can think it appears weak, I don't care. I know what I went through the last time, this time it's part chess match, part laying out bread crumbs, part moving out of the way so he'll get a big old freaking dose of reality.

[Abbey]

What I know is this: IF... and I do say IF we have any chance what so ever to turn this thing around. (and that IS what DB and this site is about, is it not?)... then I have to try to not make the same mistakes I made last time. One of the biggest ones was going back together too quickly and allowing him to NOT do the work he should have done FOR us. And make amends to me.

I couldn't agree more. What part of "c'mere, honey, let me scratch your back for you" communicates "This isn't going to be easy" or "you need to stop this path you are on, and make amends to me" ???


Starsky

But we're not peicing or anything. Matter of fact, it's ME who wants to separate, because I KNOW it's the only way he'll be motivated to do that work and grow his brain back. I spent all afternoon looking at homes to buy.

He will not get back into bedroom OR my house until he does HIS work and finally GRASPS and is ready to make amends for what he's done to me, and to us. I'm afraid that this parasite will blow up BEFORE I get out of here. Doing so doesn't push this thing to it's natural conclusion. Until and unless he sees her for the total certifiable wacko that she is...she'll always be able to use that baby to suck him in. I need to be removed from the picture, in order for her to shine in all her nutjob glory.

[Abbey]

[quote=Nblost]

As for the piecing. It's pre-peicing. I'm laying that foundation (similar to acting as if, nice etc) so that he'll have something to miss.

I believe Dr. Harley calls this "Plan A." And it can be effective; however, it's not recommended for more then 3-6 months (and I think even that is too long) before switching to "Plan B", and it's NOT recommended when the wayward spouse is still actively engaged in an affair.
Starsky

Where as Fertel's advice isn't that. For what it's worth, I find Dr H's stuff a bit... dated. That said, if 3 to 6 months is where he recommends... I'm only 3 weeks into this.