REQ: Looking for a thread from a fellow DBer...

[Abbey]

Last night, watched the hockey games, and when I'd lean the other direction (still sitting beside him - at his request after the fight)... he'd reach his hand out and put his hand on my leg.

He also likes his back scratched and I have a cool horse type brush that makes for a good back scratcher. Since touch is something that can make a bond without the other person even realizing it... and he "lets" me... I spent an hour scratching his back, massaging his neck etc.

Blcccch.

I'll bite. I think you've jumped on the words: lets me.

So... when this thing blew up in 2008. He was completely adverse to me being within 10 feet of him. He had been convinced that I was having an affair with someone he thought was bi-sexual. (3 Guesses who put those ideas in his head.)

From that point, the hugs started. (she went away for a week.) Now. No sex. No kisses. Nothing intimate other than hugs. Then the hugs even when she came back, got longer and stronger. It's a touch thing. It's one of those 5 Love Language bits for him. (and me.) Giving him something in the way of touch and then taking it away, WORKED. It was a process that took a lot of patience and work to get to. Longer to get back together.

THIS time, he's ok with touch. Why wouldn't I utilize it? I'd be a fool not to. Why roll this all the way back to square one if I don't have to? Even though most of me feels out the door,... I do still feel *something* for him. So... since I've left a small crack in the door ... in case, why wouldn't I?

I know this is something he loves. I know it's something he isn't going to get consistently (if at all) from a self absorbed narcissistic nut job with 5 kids. (Grass was greener eh?)

Those nights he's forced to stay alone. Those nights where she pulls her tantrums. Those nights where she'll expect him to do what she wants with no self gratification for him. Those nights when she's so tired and cranky because of just having 5 daemon spawns to make dinner for, wash their clothes, clean the dishes etc etc etc. Those nights where she'll be b*tchy at him because he's not helping her.

This is a man who will gravitate towards those who make him feel good about himself. (as do most men with affairs). He likes his down time. Good luck with that.

What I know is this: IF... and I do say IF we have any chance what so ever to turn this thing around. (and that IS what DB and this site is about, is it not?)... then I have to try to not make the same mistakes I made last time. One of the biggest ones was going back together too quickly and allowing him to NOT do the work he should have done FOR us. And make amends to me.