Upside Down

[Coyote]

"I've avoided "I love you" but not entirely, and when she was leaving on this current trip that kind of talk led to a big embrace, she initiated it and I could feel her hugging not just going through the motions. So is all that pushing?"

If she initiated the hug and it was genuine, that's not pushing. The idea behind the 'No I love yous' is not to drive them away with clingyness and pursuit. Clingyness/pursuit such as frequent calling/texting, always trying to hang on to a conversation/meeting with them when they say they gotta go. Another is asking them if, 'they've madeup their mind yet?!' or how about ' What are you doing right now?!' or 'Is there anything I can do to change your mind? Oh please oh please...' (Heck, I'd wanna get away from that, never mind a WAS who is in 'run' mode!)

If you've thrown in the odd ILY and it hasn't done anything bad, sure. However, I'd watch these. Space them out. At that, let her set the pace. (You did here so give yourself a Pat on the back!)

It's just that with these 'ILYs' to a WAS, they have an uncanny tendency to drive the WAS further into the tunnel they're already in. A good part of it is it reminds them of their inability to return it. Again, watch and take note. Use a good dose of common sense here. (See my post above if needed)

Sometimes, often even, we won't see anything for a while. As a rule of thumb use what works, even those changes that seem to work slowly or have a slow start. However, throw out those that have 'negative consequences' to either you and/or her, the situation even. The Last Resort technique in the DB book gives a good explanation on this. Check it out. (Adjust as you see fit.)

"And back today, my anxiety level high..."

Just something I noticed. Have you gone in for a physical checkup lately? When going through something like this it's very easy to let our physical wellness slide. Talk to your family doctor about your situation, the anxiety, any 'odd' things going on with your body. In the early stages of my sitch, I actually had to go on mild levels of anti depressants for a bit. It certainly helped. Also found out my sitch had helped me develop some high blood pressure, argh!

Our bodies take a beating when going through something like this. You've probably heard this before, may even be doing this but I will say it anyway, make sure you're eating right, exercising, taking me time, getting enough sleep (I know, the sleep thing can be hard with this kind of thing at times, often even!)