Thought it would be done by now...part 3

[25yearsmlc]

life, this is a repeat of past behavior you are somehow not seeing...

25-There are no court orders for anything. Once he got the papers he started putting money in without me asking.
It has come up and he shuts ME down. He says he doesn't have a problem with alcohol. COuld it be he was using it just to cope?

seriously? First, so all the people at his work are idiots or liars...and second, how is this better? I mean, you are saying a sober h left his wife and kids for OW and still cries and pretends misery...and that is better?


I am working on my own internal timeline.
So, a few days ago we talked about what "coming home" would look like.


Why? At first I thought he'd left OW and was coming home, but no...so I wonder at the new stalling tactic. Guess it's working...

He admitted to his deceit. His selfishness and the drinking to much and obviously the OW. No excuses but admitted them. Says he does not use me for blame for any of his actions. That he would need to put me first this time not the other way around.


what a great line...except what does it mean, specifically?

ALL the other conditions you would want, he has already refused...so what does HE mean when he says he'd put you first if he also won't do a damn thing you want or need him to do?


He said he will NOT go to counseling. Well, maybe if I really felt I needed him there. No rehab/ AA. Of course, NO OW.
He doesn't want to hear about my pain.

so except for NOT having an affair in front of you, what's he willing to do? Doesn't even want to listen to the pain he is CAUSING YOU NOW....geez, are you super motivated to wait for him to emerge from the tunnel? I think this IS HIM....emerging and not sounding super fun or attractive OR realistic...

are you thinking this is someone you could reconcile with and be happy with, given the above conditions?

Or are you secretly hoping that of course LATER ON he will do what you want and later on he will change?

Are you thinking that way? I fear it....


If and when I bring it up he says" yup, here we go again you just can't let it go"! My reply-no cause it is still a problem. YOu are still living with her!! THIS is where I feel like I am not DBing well. Is it him being manipulative or is it really like dbing says to not bring up the past or issues until the right time?

this is NOT a past issue. He's with her now.

In DB land, my feeling is, What is there to discuss other than the kids, at this point?

nothing has changed!!

Til that does, IF it does, why not simply be pleasant and upbeat but moving forward in your life, in whatever way shows that you are not interested in discussing his "conditions" of return as long as he's with OW and drinking.

Honestly, I don't get why HE is still calling all the shots.

Take your power back.

Take your life back.





! He claims this is why he can't call or see me cause I will bring it up and never let it go?! He hasn't given me a chance-IMO! Maybe I am wrong. But, if we are talking about coming home this crap has got to be addressed! Right!? THen he says for the rest of his life I will always have this on him. I can't help that!! HE did it!

This is why I'd put a STOP to all discussions of his return at this point. Don't even put the conditions on b/c they are OBVIOUS...
literally "needless to say" types of things like "no ow"...

and as far as you holding his affair and marital desertion over his head, if that happens in the future, he can feel free THEN to bring it up.


Til he even apologizes or makes amends, why would you risk having this happen again?

Isn't he basically telling you, IN EFFECT he's not going to do ANY of the things you want and he will do exactly what he feels like doing... and

IF he feels like it, he can leave again, as long as he SAYS nice things? To me that is the effect of what is being said now.

oh wait...tut tut, Of course if he came home he'd be "putting you first"...whatever the hell that means...which is, imo, not a damn thing.

Right now the affair is a presently occuring event and pretending it's not happening - is just weird.

It's Sort of delusional...drunk? I think he's got you figured out so YOU are the wrong person here....insanity.

I don't want to hold it over his head and hes claiming I am now. I didn't think I was just trying to talk it out like 2 adults. Am I wrong here?


You're human. But bringing it up now IS NOT WORKING. It makes it seem as if you are harping. And really Why do it at all? I mean it.

I would not discuss ANYTHING but the kids and business matters, then wrap it up and as pleasantly as you can, go back to your new life.

He knows where you are and how to catch up. The more pleasant you are, the less ammo he has to say you are bitter and holding a grudge.

But It's a fruitless discussion. The man has abandoned you and the kids to live with OW and HE gets to whine about you holding a grudge b/c you brought it up. Then again Life


what's to bring up? He has made his choice and that ACTION says it all. Face it.

I would act as if he has made a choice and is making a choice, every day, to be w/OW and not with his family..... b/c HE HAS AND HE IS!...

I would do my best to cope with THAT REALITY. Period. This is NOT complicated Life...it really isn't.

Sorry but he's actually pretty clear to me. Good at manipulating and stalling but a coward and a weakling.

I could go on but I want you to be stronger...and so I don't know what else to say.


I do have a problem with holding grudges but am working on that. He takes this as evidence that nothing has changed.


what has changed? Um, him living with OW and leaving his family seems like a new thing....

OH he's talking about YOUR changes, not his! How silly of me. Of course YOU are the one on trial here...not him. Why should he do ANY thing new or different when YOU are the one who has wronged him...

wait, I'm sorry, I was confusing you with a woman who had left her h and kids for OM and didn't make contact for weeks and weeks...but that is HIM...


INPUT please! Am I out of line. Is he right?!

I think he has set it up so you will lose either way.

By putting conditions on his return that no woman in her right mind would accept he puts all the blame of the divorce

or marriage ending ON YOU while telling you that he's not doing that.


It reminds me of the film "Gaslight" where the h is trying to make the w insane.


I don't plan to hold it over his head but it has to change first in order to give me a chance!!


needless to say....Stop THESE R talks. They are nonsense at this point. Like a year ahead of time, at best....

I don't understand the question about how much money he makes? How could it be more if we D?aI am guessing her income isn't going to help much. SHe makes a living off of tips if you know what I mean.

You can get more in a divorce than temporary support pays, in most states. Plus he must continue it, by court order.


I am GAL. I look the best I have in years. H can't get over it! Love my job. Like the people. I do have an active social life. Only thing I haven't done is met a lot of new people. I can work on that.


that is great and meeting new people who don't all know the sitch is excellent. So refreshing to get a new start with new friends.

Well done.


I do have soul searching to do. I will do that.
I feel so manipulated but don't trust myself and reasoning after all these years of living with that.

I get that...But don't let him gaslight you....