BKMom- I totally empathize with some of your sentiments. How long do we really want to wait in limbo and want to force being with someone that doesn't want to be with us?? It is extremely tiring and frustrating. I keep telling myself to be patient and give it time and that my w is in a process that I have no control over but it still [censored].
Keep your PMA and keep being the wonderful mother that you are.
Glad to know I am not alone Wiki & SIAS. Thanks for checking in 2tp.
All and all a good weekend. Still one more interaction with H to go so its not over yet.
Thursday, spent the day with my family and large extended family at my parents house. I told extended family that H had missed his flight back but would be back home by friday. Ugh.. I hate lying. No one asked too many questions especially since I have another cousin who is going through her own tough times - it keeps the spot light off me.
My H & I were the golden couple of the family and my cousins & aunts & uncles would have a hard time believing this was going on.
Friday, H & I meet at a train station where we exchanged the kids. It was a hard one. My D3 was so excited to see her daddy who she hadnt seen in a month. She was dressed super cute and ran over to him and said "Daddy Daddy" It was so beautiful.
I was choked up during the exchange which I didnt want to be and usually am not. I guess the holidays...
H noticed I was holding back the tears and said "I am sorry". I didnt respond to that just continued to tell him what I had packed and what the girls might need on the trip.
H asked if I was headed back to my parents I said no I was going to the city and going to hop on the next train. I was very intriguing.
He texted me later that his several hour drive to his parents with the girls was great, the girls slept the whole way. I text "that is awesome that they slept. yOu can thank me later;)" He wrote back "Thank you"
The next night when I called to say good night to the girls. He tried to get them to engage in conversation with me though they were both in melt down mode. He told my D3 to "tell mommy you love" her several times.
Trying not to read too much into any of these exchanges.
It was fine but I pray this isnt our story. I pray that every Thanksgiving I will not have to go the movies with a girlfriend and not my kids.
Seems to me that my H is happy with the new me but not happy enough to want be back. H is happy to have our Oh So Joyful Co-parenting Lives. Look how great this can be. Look how we can be friends and lead seperate lives.
I am going to try to be all smiles during our next exchange in a few hours. Should be easier since the girls are coming home and not leaving.
All & all good weekend. Missed being on the board but was glad to be busy GALing away.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
We had another exchange later today when H brought the girls home. I was happy and positive. (Pretty easy since the girls were returning) Seemed like they all had a nice weekend together. H left a little teary eyed after some loving good byes from the girls.
Then a few hours later he sends this email
BM, Had a great weekend with girls. Thank u.
I am now working the weekend of Dec. So I wont be back till my job is over on the 18th or 19th at this point. Should I bail on the race next weekend?? I'm all paid up race/flight/hotel but will eat it if you need me to.
This time in Atlanta has been extremely hard. I know its harder raising 2 kid, even little Angels like ours then any job could ever be, but I want you to know I intend on being a big part in our girls lives and am willing to do whatever is needed. I love them so much
In the same vain as raising the 2 is taxing, if you wanna take a vacation after I'm back, please let me know. I'd be happy to have the girls for a while and give you a much needed and deserved break. I think it could be good for all involved.
BM, I know this is so fing hard. I want very much for us to be friends thru this. I hold no grudge for the pain I've been in and can only dream you hold no grudge for the pain I've caused you.
I hope the line of communication can stay open. You have been amazing so far.
Be well
---- Ugh. This totally supports my thoughts that H is just peachy keen on our split and being friendly co-parents.
I am sure the stuff about how hard it is to be a mom came from his mom & sister over the weekend.
Anyway I have no idea how to reply. Please any DBers, any advice will be greatly appreciated. I dont plan to rush a response but wait till tomorrow so I can really think about it and get some input. Thanks!
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
When your H gets back in the picture, you need to Detach Big Time! He does seem to be reveling in this new found life of his and hasn't had to feel any of the emotional pain that you have endured.
Being away from the kids is one thing but having to raise them on your own and in the absence of a supporting S is doubly hard. He needs to experience this on his own for an extended period of time for the reality to set in.
"H left a little teary eyed after some loving good byes from the girls."
Good! He needs to start feeling the hurt that you have been experiencing.
"...but I want you to know I intend on being a big part in our girls lives and am willing to do whatever is needed."
...except of course being the H you deserve..... jerk! Sorry, couldn't help myself.
"...if you wanna take a vacation after I'm back, please let me know."
This is him throwing you a bone and nothing more. He's behaved terribly and wants to make it up to you. Yeah right! This is exactly like my W who says "she has given it a lot of thought and she really MUST take another long weekend with OM. Oh, and you know, you should do the same... you deserve it!" BARF!
"Anyway I have no idea how to reply."
I think that you should not acknowledge any of the BS contained in the email. Simply say something like "I'm glad you had a good time. We'll talk more at another time." And leave it at that. Nothing more. Let him feel the sting of your non-response.
Then find a way to detach when he comes back in the picture. That's the best advice I can offer at this time.
Hugs and kisses!!
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
Not sure about your sitch. but my H would offer to take the kids so I "could rest" or "catch up on work".... then he threw it back in my face later that I was always dropping the kids off with him and he never had time to do anything.
Go figure.
Just be weary and remember they are in a cloud and even showing the emails where H would offer to take them didn't make the light bulb go on.
If you're fine, then say something like "I appreciate the offer, but the girls and I had a great time so I don't really need a break"
Your job is to show CHANGE on YOUR PART.....a lot of it....over time...." 25
I feel like I am showing this to my H. I feel I have changed completely yet my H has not budged 1 inch on his conviction that it is over. My H has seen the changes in me, I am so so so much chiller. How could he not want to give it a shot for the sake of his kids?? I am not saying there are any guarantees but TRY!
Anyway still working on a response to his email. I am going to work with a DB coach this afternoon for some help.
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
H I am sure the girls would be thrilled to see you this weekend if you decide to come back. We have no plans so they can certainly stay at your place. Lucy would be so happy.
Thank you for forgiving me and recognizing my changes. I know what I did hurt you very badly, but it was unintentional. I had a personality disorder that unfortunately came up when I was under stress. I thank you for getting me to look at this issue and wish I had proper treatment earlier.
As I hope you see, I am now addressing this issue. You once asked is there is checklist for my recovery-there is!
I also thank you for offering a vacation. I think a 3 day weekend would be a perfect break for me. Right now the I feel very attached to the girls and they to me that I don’t want to leave for more than a couple of days. But I would totally love a few days in Vermont to snowboard. I have done a lot of research on affect on children. One of the problems are children blame themselves and have a sense of abandonment. I don't think it would be good for Lucy and Ava at this age if I left for an extended period. I do think a 3 day weekend should be ok. Of course as they grow older there should be extended vacation time
I know you will always be the best father you can be to our girls. I also know we are both suffering though this. I understand you will do everything you can and want everything to be as normal as possible. I realize now that life will not be the same for D3 and D1. That is the reality. While you say I am amazing whatever my feelings, it is my obligation to them to minimize the harm. I will try my best and I know you will too.
Finally, perhaps when you get back we should meet and talk. Both as to our futures but also for some closure. Perhaps I should have seen it coming but this did happen very suddenly for me. I am much better prepared to talk about it then I was In August.
Your friend, W ____ Let me know what you guys think
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
Sorry Brooklyn but I think you are pursuing big time with your proposed response. You are playing right into his hand. Don't you see he is baiting you with his email?
I stand by my suggestion: "I'm gald you had a good time. We'll talk soon."
Short, sweet and gives him a ton to think about, (i.e. Crap, that wasn't the response I was expecting!).
I know you find it hard to detach with him so far away. But don't you see how by not responding with anything of substance shows that you are detaching? It creates so much confusion and mystery that his head will spin.
Seriously, please consider my suggestion.
Me51 W53 S17 S14 M22 T25 Bomb-9/11; A-11/11; I move out 11/11
It's easy to find our bottom, it is our top that requires cultivation.
Every rough spot adds to our emotional constitution. -Barney Fife
