Do I stay or do I go?

[Nblost]

I agree with being very careful to jump back in...you are still very young and you really want a solid, devoted, moral man if you want to start a family. From all you have learned, you could be in a great place in a few months to start fresh with someone without all of this baggage!

[verycrazy]

Absolutely what Nblost said.
vc

[anyhope]

Well he called me this morning, he woke me, I even told him I wake up to his calls almost daily.. He said he'd come over.
He called again at 3:30 and said he'd come over soon, so I sit around waiting.. Two hours later I called him to ask when soon was, turns out he was at a bar with a friend and said he'd be here in about an hour. Two hours later he came and I was considering not answering the phone as I knew he'd be drunk and anyways.. Who calls and shows 4 hours later.. I ended up getting the phone anyways and he did come by with quite a few drinks in him, said he wanted to go for a burger so we went and he asked me if I tought we could fix our marriage. I said I didn't think so.. He seemed a bit surprised, I'm pretty sure he was expecting a different answer. I really tought it wasn't the time nor the place to bring up something like this. He said that he's been missing me from the minute I left, and it was the first time he cried in 20 years.. So that sounds good.. I reminded him that he's asking me this while ow is at home waiting for him, he said this had nothing to do with her.. I asked him if he'll keep her if I say I'm not interested in getting back together... And then he said what no men looking to get his wife back would say. He said I really should meet her as she is an amazing person, should he go with his choice (choice was the exact word he used) he'd have everything any man would want as despite her young age is is a great cook and amazing in bed.. I said that was great for him.. I mean what do you say to that? I asked why on earth would then he want me back when she is just perfect. He said that's the thing, that despite all that he still loves me and I might be the only one he could love and trust. At this point I had some tears in my eyes and tought to myself I wish I could say the same about you. I mean I really trusted him before. I never tought he would do anything like this to me, but now.. I told him that I didn't feel like he loved me, nor that he could love me and that I gave him the option to reconcile multiple times before I moved and he didn't care.. So long story short. I said I didn't think we could and he said to think about it as he didn't expect me to say yes and run back to him (I think he did).

We ended up coming back here to watch hockey but since hes been drinking he fell asleep which really bothered me as I started to get a headache from what he just said and he was just sleeping.. I think he feels real comfy here I told him to go as he shouldnt sleep here, he was here for the whole game and didn't want to leave, but I made him once the game was done. Ow called and sent a few texts while he was here but he didn't answer. Now he just called again to ask what I'm doing.. I think I got him a bit worried now which is good..

[Abbey]

Good for you. Proceed with caution. Resist the ultimatums at this point. Instead use words like: You have work you need to do. You have business you need to finish. Make the effort to not lump YOU in with the OW. He needs to finish one thing, before he starts another.

Chances are, he'll go back to her again for a bit. As stupid as this sounds... it's progress, because NOW,... NOW his brain is coming out of the fog a bit. The shine is coming off the penny.

[Starsky309]

I reminded him that he's asking me this while ow is at home waiting for him, he said this had nothing to do with her.. I asked him if he'll keep her if I say I'm not interested in getting back together... And then he said what no men looking to get his wife back would say. He said I really should meet her as she is an amazing person, should he go with his choice (choice was the exact word he used) he'd have everything any man would want as despite her young age is is a great cook and amazing in bed.. I said that was great for him.. I mean what do you say to that?

A: "Wow. That may be the single most disrespectful thing you've ever said to me. This conversation is over, you should leave now."



Starsky

[verycrazy]

I agree with what Abbey said. Don't let him put you in the same category with ow. You're special, ow is, well whatever.
That was some exchange with your H you had. I think it truly shocked him, and I also think he expected you to say yes and run back to him. I hope he IS worried. It will do him good to worry! And telling him to leave your home when he was started to make himself at home there, was a good move.

Now that you have smacked him with your statement, he will probably start coming around more. It will be interesting to see what tactics he will use to try to pull you back in.

You are strong enough to go through this, and keep your sanity doing it.

vc

[anyhope]

Yes I agree with you both. The reason I even mentioned ow was for him to realize that he needs to end things with her first.. Now I didnt say he should and I don't think he got the point, but as it stands now.. He said he wants to try, meanwhile he still has ow in the background should I not be good enough after all no harm done as she's still there. So I will not ask him or tell him to do anything, because whatever he does he should the one doing it. There is no question in my mind that if we are to work on this ow has to be history which she's not as of yet.

[Abbey]

FWIW, when I was keeping my H at bay in 2009, I kept saying, you can phone, but no face to face contact. He'd tell me it was me he wanted to be with etc. I'd just saying, You have work to do. You have things you have to *finish* first. You still have unfinished business you need to resolve.

It's how I plan to handle it again this time. My T agrees with me. Cut him right off, so he can live full tilt with the psycho. Matter of fact, I'll even limit the phone contact. There's a midway office where he can leave me my stuff and I can leave him his. There really will be little reason to see each other at all. Go play house with the psycho.

[Abbey]

Bloody editor. Anyhow... the rest of my post...was going to read: Nudge, don't push. The OW will push. They are not in a frame of mind to deal with being pushed. Doesn't mean you can't do YOUR OWN THING, and he'll feel like he's being left behind. Just handle it with soft gloves. The patient and in it for the long haul will normally win.

[verycrazy]

Great advice from Abbey there. And, like you said, you did have him say he wanted to try, even if it was in a totally idiotic, screwed up crazy way. So, somewhere in that alcohol addled mind of his, he said something he might really have meant.
vc