I'm so hurt and confused. I backslid a bit this week I think. H was pressuring me to sign the papers and blowing up at me via text again. He said I was screwing him in the divorce and that it would cripple him financially. Blah blah bo ho. I pushed him inquiring about the motives for the rush and he wouldn't give me anything.He can get really nasty but I held my cool. Then when we see each other in person he never brings it up and is fairly pleasant. We dont really speak much but there isnt any fighting. He will do it over text but not to my face. See a pattern?? Coward!!! Anyway he had the baby 3 hours on the holiday and then gave him to me when I came home from work. Today I took S to the childrens museum and had a great time. H texted me asking if the baby had a good thanksgiving. I'm like yeah, u were there for half of it? And how great of a thanksgiving can a 1 yr old have anyway? Since he has left there have only been a couple of days we havnt communicated. He ALLWAYS finds "some" reason to contact me, usually about our s or the divorce, but still. I said he had a great time and then H wanted to know what I would be getting him for xmas. I told him I was at the museum and we would talk later. If you want a divorce fine.... but leave me alone allready. I'm not sure what to think of all this. I just really want him to come home.... but I know he won't. Not for a long time if ever.
That's ok. As I've said before, I'm still learning from backslides even after 6 years. The idea is to get them smaller, less frequent but most of all, learn from them. You'll get better with this. Also, learn to forgive yourself.
"H was pressuring me to sign the papers..."
I know you may not want to hear this but you should see a family lawyer. You are not going there to initiate anything on the D front. But you do need to find out what your legal options are and how to proceed if H really moves forward on this. Some more tips on this,
1. One who's recommended by others is best. Especially one who has a reputation for being knowledgeable, competent, doesn't push the D thing and/or try to drag things out.
2. Don't let H know you've been to see a lawyer. No need to antagonize him if you don't have to.
3. Often, consultation is free for about an hour on the first visit. Make sure you find out about the fees involved and any payment plans.
Note: If H pushes ahead with this it's not the end of the world. Unfortunately you can't stop it when a WAS is hellbent on this.
Actually, I've seen a number of reconciliations even after the D was final. In short, usually happens after a bit when the WAS finds out the grass was actually 'greener' back over the fence they just jumped over. Just have to be patient. Be pleasant, non threatening and understanding. Work on things.
(Heck, I even heard of one where they both remarried others, then 'D'd' their new spouses, then renewed their vows back with each other. Whatever floats the boat...)
I know this is not easy when what you really want to do is tell H where to go and what you 'really' think of his lousy attitude! Resist this, vent elsewhere. Vent here. There's lots of us here who can take it.
"I pushed him inquiring about the motives for the rush and he wouldn't give me anything."
I would let this go. Do a 180 and stop asking about the motives altogether. Leave him wondering about this. Could pique his interest in the long haul...
"He can get really nasty "
Then, text back if it's getting bad, 'If you are unable to be civil right now then I'm sorry, I can't respond to you when you are like this. I will be happy to talk to you later when you have cooled down.'
"I'm not sure what to think of all this. I just really want him to come home.... but I know he won't. Not for a long time if ever."
When going through this we just want this to be over and pronto! 'Why can't H just come back and things could be the way they were?!'
As said before, and I wish I could say different but this is a process. Steel yourself. This type of thing takes time. Probably anywhere from as little as six months to a couple years before you're in the clear. Sometimes more but good things are worth waiting for.
H has to things to work through. Even without that you both have things to work through. Both together and with yourselves. When real sunlight starts breaking through H will start being genuine and not just the momentary, up/down flashes you've been seeing. Yes, things'll be different from before but it'll be worth it.
"I'm so hurt and confused..."
I'm really sorry you find yourself in this. I know this one. So many others here do too. Know that you're not alone.
Keep up the good work. The worst thing you could do now is roll over, do nothing and wallow in misery. With something like this you'll 'really' be hurting if you do nothing. Wish we could all give you a big hug
Big Note Here: I was looking back through the posts from everybody commenting on your sitch. I have to say some very good things there. Go back over the posts here. Many times if you have to. Again, keep working through this one step at a time. You wont be disappointed you didn't, I can guarantee that!
Coyote
I haven't posted much in the last seven years. I've been a lurker. Just lookin' to put back all the good help I've gotten...
Okay so the sep. agreement/d agreement has allready been filed. The only thing holding up the finalization of the d is the fact that we havnt been seperated over 60 days. H did that the week he moved out. Used my lawyer. He agreed to everything as long as I didnt drag it out. Even gave me sole custody.dec. 5th the D can be finalized. Its all so fast and H is hell bent on it. It's really hard b/c I dont knw his motives or what hes looking for. I'm sort of lost as to 180's aswell.
Yes, I got everything. Child suport, alimony, half his pension, and he took more than half of the debt. And he gave me sole phsical and legal custody. He didn't even fight. He declined his own lawyer and just had mine write it up.
I just saw a pic of him at a costume party on fb. He was w/ his party buddy and was drinking, looking really happy. And not wearing his wedding ring. This hurts so much.
I think I need some encouraging words. Like there may be a happy ending to this or he will come back some day. I know noone knows but its soooo hard to hlod on. It's just such a shock. I thought we were sooo in love. I really believe we were "soul mates" I love him soo deeply still. So hard. I dont want to be alone.
There is hope for you to reconcile. It is not an easy or a short path. But believe that there is hope.
Your H is going through some serious issues of his own. Coyote is right he has to go through them.
It is strange that he needed to get D so fast. It is irrational. Which I find hopeful. Rational people that D take the time to work with their partner in therapy etc before rushing to file a D. He is in a manic phase and until he stops he will not see any other option for your R then D. Let him go through this alone and there is hope.
Hard for me to believe anyone is really happy at a party with a buddy drinking. That to me is just sad.
BELIEVE. Dont quit. You can find happiness with our without him
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
There is always hope as long as you want there to be. You decide how long to work on it, it's entirely within your control. My W told me she wanted a D and that she would not even consider trying to reconcile. At one point I told her I wanted her to be happy and she looked me in the eyes and said "I don't give a F&*$ what you want!" After seeing something like that, I believe most people would be convinced that it's over. I was able to DB and get back to piecing, and now she's telling me ILY again, so progress is possible!
You should feel good about yourself, you're going through something that is horribly difficult and keeping it together. You are a young, single mother raising your child with no emotional support, and that takes tremendous strength. You are living in your in-laws' house and dealing with their issues and staying sane. Despite all the bad your H has done to you, you continue to fight for him and for your marriage. You are a good person TMC, and you don't deserve to be in this position. No matter what happens, you will be stronger coming out, and will be an amazing role model for your child.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
