I know quite a few of the people are divorced on this thread, but, is it now OUR MLC we are talking about, or are we still dealing, perhaps obsessing, with our X's??? Being detached has been a very healthy thing for me, but now I am confused as to if I am hanging on to my past through this site??
Any suggestions? Opinions?
This place was never about the MLC'er, but about the LBS. You are still an LBS and have valuable things to contribute IMHO.
Divorce comes as part of this process, sometimes it is unavoidable.
Until you are whole again and even afterwords this is a good place to come. I do not think you should be hanging on to your past but figuring out what to do for the future. That is what part of this is all about. Moving forward and becoming the best people that we can be.
Punkin, I'm very proud of you for taking the goodies around to the kids. You took the high road and then they came to visit. Sometimes people just don't know what to say or do in situations such as ours.
There is absolutely no need for you to leave this forum. It is a mixed bag and your sage advice/wisdom will help others. Stay if you like...you are family and we would love to have you stay.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks everyone for their input. I would like to continue, to be of help to others in the same dilemma, but know there is a fine line to be found between participating through experience and WHINING! I don't want to be one of those.
As the Holidays approach, I know it makes most of us uncomfortable in one way or another. While I am grateful to be going to my eldest D's for Thanksgiving, I am very much aware that my 'other' family, of whom I was very much a part, is moving on without me, as well. Some sadness over that.
I want very much to have my home put together in time for Christmas, and be able to have the kids/grands come here. I do not even remember last Christmas! Truly.
Some small note Of satisfaction. Although my XH loves his brother, he can't stand to be around him for a long period of time. This means anything over 2 hours, and he cannot stand his youngest nephew ( Very Loud, Very Know-It-All ) Glory be. They have moved only two miles away from XH, and he'll be over every day. Ya Hoo.
Now that I have established that I do not want to whine, have some cheese with this:
In reading over EVERYONE else's posts, those that are D'd still have some interaction with their X. Mine dropped me like a bad habit. He, the former love of my life, hasn't looked me in the face in over two years. He only speaks to me through Email, and not much even then. Yes, I believe his new wifey keeps a tight rein on him. Yes, I believe he is ashamed of himself and living in Justification Land. But I can't help it. It still makes me feel that I'm Some Sort of Horrible Person. His family, formerly OUR family, who thought I was Something Special, now acts as if I am Last Night's Fish.
Am I crazy? Do I need my Prozac dosage raised. Does anyone else out there feel like a limb with gangrene that had to be amputated to preserve the body?
My H also only speaks to me through email. He will not look me in the face at all. The last time I had any words face to face with him was last Christmas.
I'm beginning to wonder that what I thought was a very good marriage for the most part was just a figment of my imagination.
I try not to spend much time on it anymore, but sometimes I still catch myself wondering how we ever got to this point. How did it go so wrong?
Ah, the million dollar question. Unfortunately, one that any sane person knows will only lead to chasing your tail for eternity. Equally unfortunate, being sane and KNOWING these things often does not mean we FEEL any different. Bah! Humbug!
IF our good marriages were only a figment of our imagination, then what does that make US?
Question to self: Is it the man, the marriage, the so called good marriage that has made me grieve so, or am I so shallow that it is merely the perception of rejection that has me grieving for so long a time? Pondering the unponderables.
Perhaps that is the core of my continuing mental restlessness. Thinking the unthinkable. For all that I know, why do I still take so much of the fault upon myself? Because he still refuses to take any?
I suppose I am looking for absolution. Going to bed at night, hoping that each day I will wake up and something will have 'clicked' in my head and I can go on without all the guilt.
At least for me the holidays bring these thoughts and feelings more to the forefront. The holidays, and that meant starting with Halloween right on through to New Year's were a very special time filled with love and joy for my family. It's not that the rest of the year wasn't, but it seemed magnified at this time of year. H loved it and all that it entailed.
Everything I do is filled with memories. I think of H enjoying all those things with someone else. His FB posts of what he's doing with and for his 'honey' still have the power to hurt. No, I do not snoop but hear of it in a roundabout way.
The children admitted to me that try as I might to keep the traditions the same, they're just not. I asked them what we could do to make them our own with the family dynamics we now have. Funny, but they didn't want me to change anything. Maybe just do more of the things I used to do. Bake more cookies, experiment with special dishes, etc.
Not only is the money not there to do what I used to do, it's H not being there appreciating it in a way that the kids, being kids and on the go, don't seem to.
Punkin, as far as the guilt is concerned, you did what you thought you had to do to save your H. You wanted him around longer and when you saw the path he was headed down you did what you thought you had to do. You didn't know at the time that no matter what you did, it wasn't going to stop the inevitable. Please don't feel guilt because you loved your H.
I just want to find the switch that my H seems to have found and flip it, just forget what I thought he and I used to have.
It seems so cliche' to say "It's the holidays", but perhaps that is all that it is. I've been on a steady downhill ride since Halloween. Yesterday, multiple mentions/reminders of the X really were wearing on my nerves. Then, to top it all off, I checked my FB page, where he had responded to our youngest D about teaching her 4yo son to shoot. My first response was to write, "Yes, he'll need a target", but I didn't. I know she only has him on her page so that he can see pics of the family he left behind. That is actually the first response of any kind that he has written to any of them in months.
Ah well, Freud will have to wait another day. It's time to go back to the challenging world of eyeballs.
Have a great day all, especially you,my friend Seeking.
Hi Punkin, all contact with my xh has stopped [on his side] for nearly two months. We had established a tenuous sort of communication, which went on for about 5 months, after a very long silence. And this has now stopped. TOTALLY.
i have no idea why. Sometimes I speculate, although I try hard not to. I caught occasional glimpses of the person he used to be so many years ago. Perhaps he did too and it frightened him. Who knows.
Apart from the final divorce hearing I haven't set eyes on him in over 18 months, maybe longer.
You are not a horrible person, you are dealing with someone who is very very strange.
My MIL died about 18 months ago, and i had a good r with her, although the rest of xh's family also act like I am yesterday's fish. But my xh claims he really misses his mother, which I find odd, as he really didn't get along with her when she was alive. I always wanted him to sort his r out with her, and he never did. What a pity.
Hope everyone had a wonderful and blessed Thanksgiving.
I and my D25 visited my D33 in Louisiana. She has a wonderful new home and I hadn't seen my two grandsons in almost six months.
I've been catching back up this evening on everyone's threads. It seems many of us are experiencing the conflicting feelings associated with the Holidays. That's the five dollar way of saying "This time of year S@@Ks." I know I should count my blessings, but still wish I was further along in my own journey.
I have seriously considered making of list of Pros and Cons of my XH. I know without a list that the Cons outweigh the Pros, but still suffer from the big ILUVMYX Syndrome. In reading Beatrice's thread, I notice she is comfortable with still loving her X. Why do I feel like such a douche? Especially as he has made me the bad guy throughout?
Time, time, time. I know. Just wish I was further along from where I was at this time last year. Wish I could get over the gnawing anxiety in the pit of my stomach and my behind my eyes. Probably has something to do with our home just sold at auction for only what was owed on it. $60,000 less than appraised value. Well, he's off the hook for the house payment, and has to start paying alimony. Just another stab at everything we were as a couple was crap to him.
Eric, step up and chew me out Man! Slap me with a 2 x 4. Pelt me with snow covered rocks. Scream at me to SNAP OUT OF IT!
