Confronted spouse...now he wont come home

[Nblost]

Thanks MZ..yes, I have read stats like that too. I've also read that if a H doesn't leave within 3 months of the affair starting...they usually don't leave. It has been "refreshing" at times to read things geared towards the OW about how stupid they are to be in relationships to married men and how the men never leave their wives. (But, hard to know...)

I also agree that the reality will settle in for them eventually...just right now, they are in such a dreamworld with no kids, etc. And, they both have plenty of money to do fun things. (OW is the daughter of a CEO of a large company and she is separated from a husband whose family founded another large company...so, she is used to $$$ and lives in a multi-million dollar house). So, my H isn't faced with the same financial realities of hooking up with her that so many H's are.

On the other hand, my H comes from a typical family and deep down, I don't think would want a "high society" lifestyle. Although, at this point, I'm sure they could convince themselves that they are perfectly in synch. Also, H and I have had similar, successful careers...I have always thought he liked that...but maybe now he is attracted to someone like OW who has more outside interests, free time, etc.

H was affectionate with me again last night and very "into" me when we went to bed. I told him I was sorry about our marriage and how he felt rejected by me (we were in a SSM based on how much he wanted sex (every day) versus me). He told me that he was also to blame and he has a lot to be sorry for. I felt like that exchange cleared the air a bit from the day before.

Has anyone else read the book, When Good People Have Affairs? I found it interesting in that it tries to help the person in the affair decide whether to stay or go from the marriage. It talks about how being in limboland (like my H is) is a bad place because he is at risk of losing both people. To me, the book seems to point towards working on the marriage unless you just know in your heart that you've found the right person and your marriage is fatally flawed. I think the challenge for my H is that he's in a very new relationship with someone who I'm sure is actually not really a bad person...so, he would need to be able to project forward and imagine them in a realistic setting. I'm just not sure my H can do that given his lack of understanding of the realities of relationships. My IC believes he would have a lot of challenges starting a real relationship with OW given the distance thing (I do not intend to move to her city although we lived there until 2 years ago), they both have three kids, and he's starting from an affair and I'm sure he has told her a few lies like he's told me (or, at least lies of omission).

I told one of my friends today...it's like a crazy psychology experiment...I just wish I wasn't in the middle of it. I do think questioning him about the A was a mistake...it just makes him have to justify it...and that means he has to criticize our marriage. (he can't tell me he's going on vacation with OW and then in the next sentence say he believes our marriage could have a chance...he'd look like the scoundrel that he is!) I still believe that deep down, he is unsure and I do think he will have a hard time actually separating from me and the kids.

I'm also trying to see if H will do a vacation between Christmas and New Years...I think the kids and I deserve it. We'll see...I have a feeling he's a bit queasy about OW seeing signs of our family continuing to do things together.