Seeking, I understand why it hit a nerve with you. I wouldn't want that kind of fabricated tale being said about me either. However, for now the best thing to do is sit still and quietly for the truth shall come to light.
You've been a lady of grace and kindness to your xh and now he is using what happened between him and his first wife as the excuse for what is happening in his current life. This is rewriting history all over again. He's not developed a strong backbone yet and still isn't willing to look within to see what is truly wrong w/this picture.
Seeking, the time will come when the door will open just a bit for you to have your say....it's not time yet.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Good explanation sa. The way I figure is there is 2 reasons things hit such a nerve. They are too true, or completely false. Either way, the best way to handle is usually to ignore.
Example 1 - my H told me I drove him into debt because I fed the horses too much. $15 bag of grain adds up but not as fast as rent on a secret house, or buying things for the secret house, or new trucks, or hunting trips and vacations. It hit a nerve with me but it was a nerve of disbelief. How could he possibly blame me for his debt when I was the only one that was responsible and paid bills?
Example 2 - one year I waited for my H to arrange to get the cows bred, he delayed and delayed. I finally made the arrangements and took care of it, although we were 2 months late in breeding. H SCREAMED at me "you always have to rush in and save the day". That hit a nerve, and made me rock back and think about how I handled things. Even now, I do not rush in to 'fix' all of H's problems.
You learned of something that your H is saying (or his ex is saying he is saying), but most likely there is a whole lot more being said and rumors spread that you don't hear. When someone is so kind as to inform you about the lies, consider the source, smile, and know the truth will eventually be known when it matters.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
SA - I completely understand your frustration and have often found myself in the same circumstance. I have never sent the "email" - but I have had one sided conversations in my car:)
XH and I were stretched financially. Not from overspending so much - more from neglect and the lack of management. As the years went on - my income doubled while XH's remained steady. It was never a deal to me - it was always "our" money for the family. Since XH left - he CHOSE to move into an area of town known as the "projects". Could he have moved somewhere else for the same money - yes. But he had grown accustomed to that lifestyle - no expectations, no standards. The hook-ups he engaged in took place in the rank apartment complexes and back alleys of the seedy parts of town.
He has told everyone that "finances" are what ruined our marriage. I'm sure some people will listen. I keep trying to move forward with my head held high. It will take me a few years before I am financially solvent - the way I would like things to be - but it will happen.
SA - walk away with your head high and keep moving forward. Detach, detach, detach!!!
PS - Nice to see you went to a party:)
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Thank you and I thank God for all of you and your understanding.
You have seen me through so much with your wise advice and caring. I'm not sure why this 'latest' incident upset me so much, especially since most things continue to roll off my back as I keep moving forward.
Maybe it's because I've worked so hard on myself to become very financially responsible and I have made it work with a whole lot less and I am proud of myself for that.
It was a 180 for me and very necessary as H has turned his back on everything that we had worked for. If I hadn't stepped up the kids and I would have lost our home.
To have H blatantly lie about why he hasn't proceeded with the D with the excuse he used hurt and made me angry. I am so glad I came here to get your opinions and that of a personal friend before shooting off that email. If I hadn't it would have been likely that H and I would have been in a war of words right now, and you're all right, what would that have accomplished?
To add to this was the fact that H has made more contact lately. Granted it has been about people that we knew that have died. For whatever reason H has been compelled to inform me of acquaintances who have died?
Thank you all once more. I have started to get myself centered again and as has occurred so many times Snodderly and Cadet, I will sit tight and await the opportunity have my say in a rational and constructive manner.
Didn't set out to check in here tonight, but 'something' made me look. You have gotten good advice, and given it many, many times. Sometimes it's just hard to be as objective when it is OUR life and OUR pain. That said, I know EXACTLY how you feel. It is a deep ache, a painful betrayal. Knowing that he is just justifing his behavior and rewriting history doesn't lessen the pain we experience.
You are a strong and resourceful woman, and know how to proceed. Sometimes, we just need to hear it from our friends.
Thanks for checking in. You're so right that it's hard to be objective when it's us that its happening to. That's the beauty of the boards because sometimes we really do need to hear it from our friends because they can 'see' what we're not able to when we're in the thick of it.
H was angry when I told him that I would work with him on everything else and buy him out of the house, but would not compromise on the money. (I would accept what the state allows only.)
I think I surprised him with my backbone. He figured I'd go along with his original plan of escape. When it was clear that it wasn't going to go his way, he was mad and threatened me and demanded that if it was going to be this way then I had to do this, this, and this, first. I simply told him to send it to his L so he could send it to mine for review.
H even went as far as 'breaking it down' for me by running the numbers. He told me that after I was through he'd only have half a paycheck. He told me that I was trying to put the boots to him and ow.
Apparently, he has decided that to avoid giving me half, even though I have to continue to pay all 'our' bills to maintain home and property, that he will not go forward with the D. That way he can continue with his lifestyle.
I think that is why he decided to start paying the utilities on my place. That was definitely a cheaper out for him and took the heat off as far as having to think about how much less money he'd have for a while if he went through with the D.
Guys, I think I'm beginning to accept the fact that the H I knew and loved will never come back. I noticed profound changes in him 7 years ago when his carotid artery tore causing him to have a stroke. His recovery was fast, but in ways he didn't come back and those have been in decline ever since. I am talking emotionally. Something that I had always felt he finally voiced to me, that he blamed me for his stroke during BD. There were MLC symptoms before his stroke and this event seemed to solidify it for him and eventually pushed him over the edge. It seemed to intensify his feelings of being unhappy (depressed)and feeling that he was running out of time. He needed to try and recapture that time when he was young. Certainly tried to go back in a big way.
I am at the root of his unhappiness and even though he left and got a new life, I'm still the cause. I'm at a crossroads here. Do I reach out and compromise and give him what he wants. I know that short of a miracle H will not be back. I could give him this last gift and take less and give him his 'freedom'.
This is what I'm struggling with as I'm now facing that fact that H is not coming back. My desire to have what we used to be kept fueling my hope. My hope kept me looking for signs and reading into what really wasn't there. In truth, H really hasn't taken a look back. I do not, however, think that the last two years have been wasted. I've grown in so many ways, and I'm still growing...
It may seem that this latest incident has me spinning, but this has been rolling around in my head for a while now. As WCW said, I'm sure this hasn't been the first rumor to fly about me. I was deluding myself to think there was any loyalty left in H as far as having my back as we always had each others during our M. Pretty naive of me to think of a cheater as having loyalty.
If anyone has anything, I would as always, appreciate your thoughts and opinions.
SA - there are a number of things going on here. A lot of it is based on what your h may or may not have said. Even if he said it, MLcers are notorious for saying something in the grip of their emotional turmoil.
Having said that, this does not diminish your emotional response - what your h has apparently said is a sort of 'last straw' that we all reach in dealing with these people.
It appears as if your h has a lot of issues - his first wife sounds very out of control, and I have learned to be suspisious when people are attracted to others with mental health issues. it often mirrors something in them.
You sound as if you provided a period of stability and calm which health problems and possibly work issues, as well as deep seated personal problems re-triggered.
No-one knows whether or not they will emerge, and in what state and if we then want to work on any kind of relationship.
Keep on doing what you are doing. One day at a time, not weeks, months and even years down the line. it is today that matters.
How would you feel if either what your h said turned out not to be true, or he admitted saying it, but not meaning it? your journey is about the long term. Today's and yesterday's events have a terrifying power to destablize us and put us off our course. You give such good advice to others, and see things so clearly.
I hope that the next few days bring a return of your peace.
I see a few things going on here and while I could address them privately, I think this has begun a very good discussion...
Please don't sell yourself short in any of this. If you want only what the state allows to simply "put the screws" to your H, then I would suggest looking at that...
I don't believe that is the reason though...
If you want to settle for less, just to make this "go away" easier, to make his choices easier for him, look at that too...
We can't and aren't responsible for saving them...
However, if you are ready and want to settle things as amicably as possible, then you simply need to make the choices for you that are the best ones for you.
Regardless of how they affect him.
As for him and your level of detatchment...
HE is no where near the end of this. He is moving very slowly and those that go in and out of this, seem to be much slower movers than those that go into MLC and stay there. I don't know why, simply my experience and observations of MLC.
Whether you D now, or let it go until he does something more about it (or doesn't), he is going to continue this at HIS pace and the dynamic between you and he won't change much. It may improve for a bit, then go back, then go forward again...
And that may happen many times. They see little things and step towards us and our children. Then something happens and they are off on the wild ride again for a while. The intervals get shorter but they still happen. Actually, you guys are right at the point in the time line for that to be beginning based on what I've seen...
Your detatchment is also affected by this. Because you see the steps more clearly than he does. Each little glimpse of forward motion makes us even a little bit hopeful and then the glaring reversal, reminds us that they are in MLC land. Which, after time, we do tend to forget. We get used to living at our levels of detatchment, we get used to being "single", we get used to the animosity, the silence, the peace that comes with that. So the touch and gos (or whatever you want to call them) are a jolt for us, back into an old reality, one that we live but don't live anymore.
Personally, I view these things as opportunities now to see where I am. To reevaluate my place in my life a bit.
You are a good person and have hope that he will come through this, whether he comes back to you or not, you still hope he will begin to see the truth. Unfortunately, their truth and our truth, don't always mesh, no matter how much time has passed.
That is the reality of more than one person being involved in any situation. We all have our own perspective and experience and the real truth, is usually a combination of those perspectives.
I have always told you that you have your answers. That you will know when it is time to take action, speak your mind, whatever it is you need to do. If you are questioning it, analyzing it, having second thoughts, then it isn't time yet.
I received an email this morning, one of those "thought of the day" type...
It said...
"Detours, challenges, and crisis, are simply covers for miracles that have no other way of reaching you"
I have learned that in my life, through this and other things. I believe it but sometimes, we need the reminder.
(((hugs)))
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
