As I have ONCE again hit 100 + posts, here is the new thread. Links to old ones above.
WOW. What a ride this has been. Thank you all for being here for/with me. This MB has been the only thing (besides my S4) that has kept me sane on more days than I'd like to admit.
Let's keep on improving, growing, learning and come out stronger, better people --- regardless. ((((())))))
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
Amen! Let's do keep growing no matter what!! I'll have to say your thread title made me laugh! However, on my softball team, we didn't have to deal with curve balls. I hope you're doing well. You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers!
Today she initiated deep talk again -- I tried to validate and keep calm until I got this weird curve ball thing. She says it's asking too much for us to be anythign other than 'cordial' at this point (she says we've NEVER been friends....ok.. guess I missed that part of the R) That's not the curve ball -- that's coming....that rewriting history, I can accept that. WAS do that all the time.
I'm glad you recognize that. Sometimes WAW just spew stuff to convince themselves they are making the right decision. I know it hurts so much to hear..but do your best to let it roll off your back.
But anyway, I validated and kept out of any disagreement. Then she said her anger at me had to do with a lot of things --- the fact that I've never 'listened' to her...which I know. But then the curve ball --- she says she's angry b/c I've 'dug my feet in' here at home. WHAT?? (i've lived here as long as she has) The last I heard she told me clearly she was moving out and that she couldn't afford to keep the house alone. I can, and thought that was how it was going to go. She said, "I can't afford the payment the way it is now." Hmmmm...I know a few months back she tried to refinance without telling me....and was not able to. Wonder if she's going to try that again??? Or if it would work? She's scared. She got caught up in the r with OW, I highly doubt she thought this through. She's starting to get hit with a little bit of reality... and no surprise... she is taking it out on you.
NOW I'm scared because if you recall, the house is in HER NAME---even though i've paid half the mortgage for the 6 years...etc.. She was a first time home buyer, and it was cheaper to keep me off the loan and no downpayment. BIG MISTAKE BIG MISTAKE HORRIBLE MISTAKE. I know. Same as the adoption thing. Live and learn type of bs. We had been together for 7 years when we bought the house....by that time I guess I was in total trust mode. (never again I'm afraid with anyone....I'm sure, JB, several others resemble that remark as well...LOL)
I am now terrified she's going to pull some weird thing on me and kick me out or something. My L had to reschedule consultation due to something or other last week, but I've got an appt on Friday at 4 this week. I also have an appointment at 3 pm with lender to see how much I can qualify for. If for some reason W is going to be nasty...(which I don't understand considering this whole damn thing is her decision!) I need to also be prepared to purchase my own place if necessary. I just don't want to move. (i know, whine, wahhh, cry me a river...) Just ruminating. I'm a natural depressive wink
Try not to worry too much but I agree with WHG, Seeing a L is a MUST now. As soon as possible... please.
I'm not saying this will happen but in my experience when my w started spewing anger (which is what they need to do to justify themselves)... alot of it was truth. Whatever she wanted to do she did... regardless of the consequences to me.
It was scary and it only took a couple times of me getting burned before I realized "I have to look out for myself".. because no one else will.
They say our spouses turn into aliens. This doesn't ring anymore true than when he or she is convincing themselves of their decisions.
He!! You're not whining, you're scared and you have reason to be. Life has thrown you a huge wave that has capsized your boat... and you don't have a life boat..
... but you gotta decide if you want to drown or swim. Not tread water, you aren't in that phase anymore. If you tread here.. you're gonna get eaten by the sharks.
Good grief. My stress level has shot through the roof today~!! Not only do I have to worry about shady things in relation to my S, now the house may be back in play?? The earth has just shifted, again. Does it ever end guys???
Or is this all part of the rollercoaster? How can I step off when it's these practical concerns?? Her mom and dad have never liked me (btw, it's not just me, they have serious issues with pretty much everyone -- both sides of their family -they don't speak to---and they have few friends. It's pretty much W, her parents and her sibling -- period. So it's not unique to me) So her mom and dad are likely talking W into making some potentially rash decisions. They've always been way too involved in our R. should have been a sign....W has always told MIL too much private info. and it always gets used against W or me or both eventually.
Unfortunately sometimes you can't get off the rollercoaster. I'm a huge coaster fan (the real ones not the emotional ones). Almost every rollercoaster has low point. If you can't get off, that's when you try and make your decisions.
Sometimes we just have to deal with out sitch and move it forward or risk losing more.
P.S. Who cares what parents do. To be fair, I'm sure you have plenty of people in your corner who are trying to convince you to drop your w like a bad habit. You can't control them nor can you control if your wife chooses to believe it. The only thing you do is continue to be the best shock possible. That seems to be best way to combat the negatives.
(((( ))))))
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
JS have you chosen a church yet? Stop procrastinating. You will really enjoy it.Your brain will be challenged and your heart will find peace. I have enjoyed the services so far and fell great afterwards. The pastor came t o me to welcome me today out of hundreds of peoPle. Pretty cool. Besides it makes the W wonder where I am going all dolled up. I no longer do it to get her back but I do it for me and because I have a sense of obligation. That is new. Unlike Catholic churches they have a cool band and they are pretty up lifting. ((((())))
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
IS! I've missed you!! I've been looking for you, too, hope you had a nice holiday...
First off, my friend, I guarantee she noticed how much your S enjoyed having both of you together. She will never let you in on that, but I promise she saw it as well.
Second, do you know if she's seen a L? Does she know you have an appt? I would keep that nugget to myself, if I were you. She may be getting some bogus advice some where and that's what the house talk was about. Who knows? All you do know for sure is that you have to protect yourself against all possibilities. Expect the worst, hope for the best.
I hope Valeska is right, she's starting to get a taste of the not-so-pleasant aspects of being the WAS. We all know its going to happen at some point, its just a matter of time.
I'm so glad you updated us, I've been worried about you. Still praying for you every single day!!
hey I posted to you (I thought) elsewhere....did you see it?
Let me know so I don't repeat myself. Wish I could link stuff here but I'm thrilled to know how to highlight and use colors...and faces...
that's what I get for being over 35...
ttys, hang in there and see if you can find my post...
Well, I'll go hunting. I would ask my kids to help but I never want them to see my writing here. So...bummer.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
yes, i did see where you posted in the last thread 25. I too am not sure how to do all the 'fancy' stuff -- so I just copied and pasted what you wrote and I'll address it here> Thank you SOOOOOOOOOO much for all the input!!!!!!
25years wrote in italics ---- my answers are in bold and red: so let me get this straight...
she wants to end the 13 m, take the kid, AND keep the house AND kick you out?
apparently. Who IS this alien????....
Oh okay....so are you saying that's NOT okay with you? Sheesh...so selfish.
I know, really I think she's only being fair.....
Okay so I think if there are records of your contribution to the house you can make an argument that you have an ownership interest that is open to the "public" meaning you did not engage in subterfuge and they knew when they got your money who you were. I actually know someone who told this to A BANK --meaning the friend had paid the mortgage for 5 years after his buddy and house mate died. But when he went to have his name put on the deed, The bank said "1) who are you? And we want to charge you a fee to change the name on the title and
2) we need proof of who you are. How do we know you have an interest in this property?
and he said "You cashed MY checks for years, so YOU KNOW I EXIST" or words to that effect. Somehow it worked.
YOUR w certainly knows you paid half.
Problem--- I gave the money to her --not directly to the bank. The checks were for my half of house payment plus some money on the line of credit we got when we adopted S. The bank doesn't know me. W definitely knows I paid half the mortgage.....BUT she's saying things now like:"well, my dad and I did all this work around here, you didn't pay for those things, etc..."
Well, you know, I understand that == it's damn hard to leave one's home...but home improvement...those things are what one does when one lives in a home for 6 years. I always asked her how much my share of the home improvement cost was. Sometimes she took money. Mostly she shrugged it off. Was she planning this? Or was it just that we were in a committed R and --- hey, I'll buy this stuff and you get that other thing later..... I personally think it's the second one. I am not a fix-it person. I don't know how to build things or fix plumbing. W does. I cook, I clean, I do that sort of thing Perhaps not as 'big' as the maintenance but still important nonetheless. I also know she says that I didn't do enough of the cleaning,etc.... I have been doing a real 180 for months on that --
Maybe she thought it was a LOAN to her and she'll be glad to repay you.
If it's higher than rent would have been or if paid any downpayment, get it back.
She's so over the line. You need to DB clearly.
Stating that you accept her choice to leave the relationship but you expect fairness and respect in asset division and custodial rights to YOUR son....
Right. I've been trying this very recently....I agree I am in damage control mode. We need separation. I just don't agree that I must be the one to leave. I can afford it here alone. She cannot. She also told me she can't afford to rent a house that is decent -- she said she can only afford the two br one bath variety. She said....that is SO small for two people...*her and S* My internal response...(not aloud) --didn't think this through very well didja? Taking a huge cut in standard of living since you make a LOT less $$ than I do.. The home we have is great. The ones she can afford to rent - not so great. Fact. Natural and logical consequences.
[b]Honestly, as crazy as it sounds, I feel so bad for her. I don't want her to feel bad- or to hurt. I love her and want the M to be saved and our family to be intact....But you are right----- I can't be the martyr, definitely. I refuse to go down without at least asserting my legal rights. I'm just so afraid due to where we live....well, I will know more on Friday ---- so PRAY again for this agnostic, coming around heathen. [/b]
AND that you will take legal action to vigorously protect your interests in son and property. YES IS SAY THIS EVEN IF IT MAKES HER MAD AT YOU...WHAT WILL SHE DO, LEAVE YOU? OH WAIT...SHE ALREADY IS..
YOU ARE NOW IN DAMAGE CONTROL MODE...
Don't forget that...the r can take care of itself later. You won't win ANY points with her by being a martyr and you could lose a lot!
This is Not YOU being "difficult" - but you simply asserting right to basic fairness and decency.
In theory I say everyone has the right to end a R, although not a parental one, as she seems intent on doing with you and son. (My friend, you must not think she is above that)...
I really really don't trust ANYONE after this at ALL --- so as much as I don't think she would actually take S from me- I HOPE --- I do know she knows she has all the marbles and will be able to decide things like ..oh, for example who he's with on holidays...I'm too afraid to argue. It's absolutely maddening and I feel like I am going mad sometimes.
She's taking the situation and really twisting the knife.
So sorry.
OH, that's the pain I'm feeling?????
See the L with several questions written out ahead of time so you dont' freak out and zone out....Also make sure the L is a specialist. NOT a solo practioner but in a firm with some resources so your w (or her L) believes you'd be willing to go to trial to get your rights asserted.
Act like it even if you know you would not. Time to play some poker. DO NOT FOLD....
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
I agree that in any normal R the parents shouldn't matter this much..... I have come to accept that W's relationship with them is a bit...much... Definitely not healthy --- W played a huge part in this by telling MIL every problem we've had in the past decade plus.
You said: She's scared. She got caught up in the r with OW, I highly doubt she thought this through. She's starting to get hit with a little bit of reality... and no surprise... she is taking it out on you.
Yes, i think that is true also. Reality is hitting. I'm just afraid of the latest turn of attitude that seems to hint that I should be the one to leave.... Like I said I'm wondering if she's found a way to clandestinely refinance and lower the payment enough so she can stay here alone???? Abject terror is what I feel when I think of that --- I may be crazy, but I'm of the opinion that the one who initiates the end of R should be the one to move out.
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
Good morning IS, Posted on your last thread. Hope you are doing well today. Just finished an audio book called "easy company soldier" about one of the original members of the 101st Screaming Eagles during WWII. Very powerful and moving story. Well worth the read if you get a chance.
Looking at your sig, I see your s dropped the bomb on 18 June. Mine dropped hers on 20 June, must have been something in the air!!
m 54 XW 48 m 12 t 14 bomb 6-11 s 10-11 wife moved to other state 10-21-11 d 9-12
O GOD THY SEA IS SO GREAT AND MY BOAT IS SO SMALL!
Thanks Gunny. I'll check it out as soon as this crazy semester ends and I have time for fun reading.
You know, Rick1963 also is pretty close on our timeline with the bomb...and i've noticed several others on here over the months. I wonder...was it a full moon LOL?
Me (f): 45 W(f) 35 T: 13 y C: S4 adopted at birth 6-18-11 bomb: I want to break up 8-28-11 OW confirmed
However, on my softball team, we didn't have to deal with curve balls. 
