Do I stay or do I go?

[anyhope]

Oh I see what you mean.. The thing is I'm not about to jumb back in.. I would have jumped right back at one point.. A few months back when he first told me about ow and how he no longer loved me. I would have jumped right back as I've told him a few times that I understand where he is coming from, our marriage was far from perfect, our sexlife almost non existent, so I was open to putting the hurt aside and work on the marriage. He decided that he just didn't love me and nothing I do will change that. He'd say hurtful things to me, and about me to our friends and lot of them were hurtful because they were not true. At the same time ow was just perfect in every way. I stopped the fight and lived beside him for a few months listening to him talking to ow, talking about her.. Some things he'd say to her he never ever said to me and a lot of times id sit in a room and think if he ever loved me.. And my answer was he probably didn't. (or maybe he did when we got married but I can't remember that time anymore)

I got so tired of being sad, unappreciated, rejected and all of those.. I'm not about to jump right back into anything. Especially after that one episode where ow got herself some other dude for a few weeks and h came to me as depressed as ever, he agreed to work on us. He didn't tell me about the other guy ow had. He just said he was done with her. Made no attempt to work on us.. In fact he had stated he will not ever apologize for what he did or anything like that. So basically at that point he was waiting for me to bend over backwards to please him.. All until ow called him and said they should meet and off he went and I no longer mattered again.. How can I ever trust him after this? What if he does the same thing 10 years from now when I'm no longer young, may have a kid or two and become a single mother because hes not happy again.

I mean it really scares me. I still care for him and love him in a way but I'm not at all thinking of rushing back to him should ow leave because I'm not sure he would ever love me as I'd like to be loved for once. And I'm not sure if I could ever trust him, this combo right now is not very inviting, so I'll see how things go. If I do take him back it will not be quick.. After all this pain I'm just not emotionally ready for that..

Btw he is coming over today as well so I'm not sure what his plan is.. Almost seems like he is thinking of getting rid of ow and preparing to get closer to me so once she leaves... I don't know what he's thinking.. We'll see what happens.