I want to tell you something. Just a few years ago - I didn't ever think I could be totally happy again. That I would never be able to let go of the heartache. I spent my first 2 or 3 Christmases in tears (I tried to hide it from the kids) but for me - it was OVER!
But time really does heal the wounds. It's ok to grieve your losses from time to time and surely the holidays brings it back freshly in some moments. But there are new things happening. New beginnings.
I never thought life could be as happy as it used to be. But for me - it is actually better. As much as I missed our "family" times so much - the truth is that he was pretty much a "dickhead" at Christmas. He always drank too much, slept too much and in general - did stupid things to mess it up. He yelled a lot when things weren't perfect. He would "slip up" and mention buying something that was supposed to be from Santa despite the fact I did 90% of the cooking, cleaning, buying, wrapping associated with the holidays. He did buy me some nice gifts but he really wanted credit for his part.
So - I don't miss that time at all except that it was the time my kids were small. And maybe this year I will get up the nerve to actually watch those videos.
Hang in there Miska - you're doing great. And I promise you - it will keep getting better.
