I hear you. If there is any hope for us its not going to happen over night. Somehow we have to be patient and let our H play out their fantasy of this other life. My vote is for you to hold off till after the holidays. I think since you and your H are getting along why give him any fuel over the holidays (unless you need to file to protect your kids etc.) H will fight with OW. There relationship will go from fantasy to reality at some point. That is when you want him to look over and see how strong you have been. How you have held your head up high and what a great mom you are. We never know when this shift will happen. Keep it up!
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
So I have been going back and forth about what to do with regards to filing. Do I keep going forward or do I wait until after the holidays. He is going home for Christmas and New Years.
We have been getting along a lot better. H is going out of his way to talk to me about the kids and random stuff. Do I think he has changed his mind, no. I realize he is going to see OW while he is there. So part of me feels foolish but I just don't want to make it any harder than it is. I don't want to file and he is scrambling around with trying to respond before he goes out of town. But then the other part of me feels stupid about waiting to make his life easier. I have been going back and forth for days. I signed the papers on Nov 17 but so far he hasn't been served. Anyway I called the lawyer and asked them to put it on hold until after the holidays. So it has been filed but they aren't going to serve him until I call back.
On another thread someone, I think it may have been 25, posted that this is probably the last holiday for some of us as a "family" in whatever configuration that is right now. And that because of this it will always have a special designation, especially for our kids. They will always look back at this holiday season as the last one, and for that reason we should do our best to make it a positive, upbeat, and happy time. Let them remember the good. Maybe there will be better times down the road, but even if there are this one will always have a special connotation to it.
So... my advice would be do whatever lets you get to that place best. If that means filing and ending the wondering, then do that. If you think filing at this time would create additional drama and H might tear apart the holiday then maybe wait. All in all it's a matter of a few weeks. Considering how long you've been putting up with his crap it isn't giant in the whole scope... though it probably feels that way.
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
What if you ask him what he thinks? You know and he knows that filing needs to happen, would he prefer to get it over with or wait until after the holidays? Just a thought, since you're getting along.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
H doesn't know I filed and I think by me filing it is bringing me added drama and guilty feelings and unhappiness. I need to focus on the kids right now and stop worrying about H and I and what is going to happen with us.
This is the last holiday season the kids will have as a family and we aren't even going to be together but I don't want H being angry and making it worse on the kids. He is spending Christmas Eve with the kids and then going out of town. We are both trying to act like this is normal so far the kids seem ok with it and I just want to make Christmas as good as it can be.
I know my friends are going to give me grief about putting it off but I do think I feel better. You are right this has been going on for so long what is a few more weeks?
Good, you have a really clear case for putting it off. Make your decision and don't feel foolish or "stupid for making his life easier." You're making your life easier at the same time. You're making Christmas the best you can for the kids. No more second guessing it.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Thank you adinva!! I really appreciate the support. I am not good about making big decisions and I always flip flop I need to just be more decisive about life. I know it is hard for people in real life to understand us DB people.
"I know it is hard for people in real life to understand us DB people."
That^^^^^^is so true. When I tell people about my sitch and how badly I fell they give me a blank stare or act as if is not a big deal or to move on. On one occasion this guy I know said "on one hand I feel bad but on the other hand I am excited and can't wait to hear about your dating stories"??? You made the right decision. Hang in there
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
