Workinghardguy and Accuray: Thank you for your opinion and advice. You are right, there is nothing that I can do about it. It's out of my control.
He has always felt that I tried and controlled him. I just felt that he was not honoring boundaries that marriage has.
Truthfully, I do not think this is a deal breaker for me either. Yes, it hurts like h3ll.
I need to start focusing more on my self and my D. Starting today I am cutting him off. I will not contact him, unless is regarding out D. If he texts/calls/emails me, i will not jump to reply or answer.
It's weird how all the WAS have the same patterns. See I was once a WAW, and I see my behavior in my H. He is treating me the way I treated my first husband. When I realized that I went to my first husband and I explained my situation and I apologize to him for putting him through what my second husband is putting me through.
My H and I did spend time together yesterday with our D. And we had long talk the entire time I was there. He told me he was scared to get back together because he is afraid that I will convert back to the old me. He said he has notice my changes and he liked it. He told me every time he would get a text message he afraid to see the look on my face. And if it was a look he didn't like, it would p1ss him off. I told him that he needed to take a leap of faith, just like I will have to take a leap of faith with him.
Yesterday, when we walking with our D, he yelled at me and I just said I'm sorry, I didn't understand what you were saying and I just walked away. He apologize for yelling at me.
But unfortunately I really don't see him working on himself.
Well H just called me and I let it go straight to voice mail. It was D leaving me a message saying, Hi Mommy. So I called back and he said she was asking for me this morning and wanted to call me. So we chit chat a little bit. H asked what I was doing and I told him that I was doing some things.
Yes, it was the right thing to do. Your H will have to realize what life will be like as a single parent. I'm not saying you should never do things as a family, I am suggesting that you don't always make yourself available to him when he calls.
You will spend time together, and he will notice the changes. But remember to keep doing them for YOU.
"Everyone you meet has baggage. Find someone who loves you enough to help you unpack." ¤Formerly DelinquentGurl¤
He'll notice them... in fact he'll notice them more when contact is occasional and not constant. It's one big weakness of trying to DB while still living together. You make incremental changes and in the whole we are changing a lot but each change is small and not so easy to notice.
I liken it to weight loss. I don't know if my W has really noticed it. Even my co-workers, who see me every day, haven't noticed it. But then the IT guy, who I haven't seen in like 4-5 weeks, sees me the other day and says "Wow... you look like a whole other person!". Or my SIL who I haven't seen in about two months tells me that I look like I've lost a lot of weight.
The every day people don't notice the changes because they happen so slowly and their mental image of us changes along with us, so no one change is dramatic. It's when their mental construct isn't constantly refreshed that the change is noticed because the reality and the construct don't match.
You will still see each other, interact, and do stuff. Your D will tell tales and stories. Publicize yourself on FB. Common friends and family will tell him. Don't worry... he'll know.
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
NOT responding to him right away, and keeping your distance is a change he will see and notice. You did the right thing by declining his invitation. Make him pursue. Make him wonder. Build the respect.
The "Leap of Faith" conversation was pursuing -- it's ok, it happens. You want H to know that getting you back is not "for free" and not 100% on his terms. He needs to be faithful going forward, and you both need to agree on where the line is drawn in terms of friendships that are over the line.
Be tough! You said yourself that H has noticed your changes -- it sounds like he pointed that out to you, so it's working! Keep it up. Less is more.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Yes, he told me that he has noticed my changes. But he is scared they are not for real.
Also, I know he is not going to be faithful going forward right now. I asked if he was going to continue this sexual friendship with her and he said that he wasn't going to quit.
It's hard not to think about him and her together and him doing the things to her that he did to me. It's so hard.
