Glad to hear you had a nice Thanksgiving. Fishing huh? At least you caught something.
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I have regrets now, because my side of the family has no contact with her, like she's some kind of Judas or leper or something. In time I'll try and address that.
They may mellow in time. To a great extent that may depend on you.
They did get in late; flight was delayed - typical. I hugged the kids when they walked in the door. XW even offered a peck on the cheek. Odd - she did that at the departure too last Tuesday. I'll think nothing of it - of course. Why bother? I'm still in kind of under the same roof no contact mode if that's even possible, unless it's about the kids. Works for me.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
D18 is about to graduate HS. She's applied to several colleges and has already been accepted to some.
After Jan-1 I am supposed to apply for Federal aid. If I am divorced, do I only list my income or both parents? Anybody know how that all works?
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
It's been a little over a year now. I remember vividly last Christmas - what an emotional wreck I was - could barely keep it together. Things have been much easier this year, internally for me at least.
XW still behaves the same, "pretending" like we're just roommates with kids. I say "pretending" because it seems unnatural or forced - the not being warm and friendly - you know like "real" roommates.
Every once in a while, she'll let down her guard and actually communicate, but then she'll revert back to what I call childishness, like not saying "Hi" and "Bye" or "G-nite." I don't want to sound like I notice too much, this is not an emotional thing for me - just reporting a scientific observation of behavior.
The more time passes though, the more I realize how bonded we were though the 18 years of marriage. I don't know if she feels the same, but as I look back in spite of the ups and downs in the R, there was a bond I took for granted was unbreakable. Maybe that's my side of it. She obviously had little compunction about filing for D.
I don't know what's worse. A lot (I'd say most) of the DB'ers and LBS'ers here endure months, even years of struggle and MLC while still technically married and clinging to hopes of saving the R and dreading the prospects of D. But my XW gave me no chance whatsoever, nothing, Boom Boom Boom - Bomb, file, D. That's the most puzzling part of it, no ultimatums, no second thoughts, no religious conviction - I thought I knew her. Guess again.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Hi Pickle! How I wish that your sith had turned better, but at least you are no longer a wreck.
Anyway, praying that you will have a better year to come. Who knows, maybe your W will finally get out of the tunnel.....
Me:49 H:45 D:12 M:14 T:18 Bomb: 6/26/10 EA: 9/3/10, fizzled out slowly, now ??? 11/5/11 Retrouvaille Finally piecing.... Its peaceful at last, but we got a looong way to go
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
I say "pretending" because it seems unnatural or forced
I know exactly what you mean Pickle... my W does it too. I think of it as "over the top"... I've never taken stock in it because there end up being too many moments where she falls back into her old self and our old selves. Where we talk, laugh, share an inside joke, or recall a fond memory. In those moments the coldness disappears and my old W returns. Once in a while we can go a whole day or even two like that... but then the over the top rejection comes back.
I used to be hurt by it or get angry. Now I mostly laugh (though inside, not out loud) because I find it humorous.
I guess what it really reminds me of is our five year old son. When he is mad or hurt he makes sure everyone is aware by overdramatizing his emotions. It's comical to watch... while it's comical with my W too, it's also tragic (and gets tiring to put up with).
I have noticed that as I've accepted the situation the overdramatizing has decreased. I'm actually curious, once we live apart, if it will continue. I suspect it won't... after all she will have what she says she wants.
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
I used to be hurt by it or get angry. Now I mostly laugh (though inside, not out loud) because I find it humorous.
I'm actually curious, once we live apart, if it will continue. I suspect it won't... after all she will have what she says she wants.
I have to admit, it gets on my damn nerves. She has her divorce, her half of the equity, she can move out anytime she wants.
Why does she still, have to be a fraking a$$hole about it?
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Why does she still, have to be a fraking a$$hole about it?
Have you asked her? I mean what's the worst... she becomes more PITA? But seriously... for a while there my W was being really, really over the top towards me. I finally had enough and told her that a) I understand she is done, b) that this cold, bitchy attitude isn't necessary to make me understand she is done, and c) if I am doing something that entitles me to her attitude please tell me so I can do something about it.
Her over the top attitude really pulled back after that. Because I wasn't doing things that justified it, and she admitted it. She's still cold some days, particularly when we've had a couple warm days. But it did help.
In your case you're actually divorced... I don't see why you can't politely and civilly say, "I don't appreciate it when you say XYZ, or treat me XYZ." She may not even be conscious about it.
Married 6 together 8 Me:38 W:31 second marriage for both SS12, SD10, S6 Bomb: 9/8/11 (day before our 5 yr ann) W moved out: 2/18/12 D final: 11/12/12 Share S 50/50. Spend as much time as I can with SS & SD
But seriously... for a while there my W was being really, really over the top towards me. I finally had enough and told her that a) I understand she is done, b) that this cold, bitchy attitude isn't necessary to make me understand she is done, and c) if I am doing something that entitles me to her attitude please tell me so I can do something about it.