Another crisis.....but H opening up now

[angel61]

Its 5AM here in the island, the last day of our vacation. As I wait for the sunrise, and listen to the howling wind outside, I reflect back on the past year and am thankful of how where I am now.

25, I love your advice on loving him the best I could. I carried those words with me throughout this week. It made me see the effort he put into all our interactions. When we were leaving on Monday, we had a few stressful moments on the trip, but he would make a visible effort to smile and cheer me up, that I even once went over to him and told him "I do think we are improving a lot" and gave him a peck. He seemed pleased.

I brought our Retrouvaille book and the Love Dare, meaning to talk about things while on vacation, but felt that he was already so focused on making things better that I decided just to sit back and watch, and not make any move at "working on he M". No R talk, no M talk, vacation time!

I think it was a good move on my part. Although he had moments of quietness, he generally was so cheerful. I would see him laughing and happy, his expression no longer guarded, and in his eyes, I no longer see the "shark eyes" look.

The 2nd morning we were here, we even ML, after 5 mos! We woke up early from jet lag, and were playfully doing some stretching exercises, when one thing led to another. This happened again after 2 days. I realized that when H said he was working on our sexual relationship when we were at Retro that he really meant it.

I decided to put OW away from my mind. This is probably the last week she will be in the US. H does not seem depressed or distressed that she is leaving. My intuition tells me he is closing that chapter of his life. Of course there will be always worries that he will not fully endit, theat he is writing "finis" only a letter at a time.... but this part I can only leave to God. I demanded a year ago that he end it all, and that only served to make him rebellious. I promised to let him do it his way and I just have to trust him, and God.

I can tell that H is trying his best to understand loving as a decision now. he has not said anything, or shown outwards signs of affection like touching me aside from ML, but he never was really affectionate in the first place. I tell myself not to demand it like before, but instead to just show it, when he is ready.

Lotus, our weekend went well actually. After the post he seemed back to his normal self. he commented that there were always things to learn from the post. He also noticed how some came without their spouses, and told me he felt that it was useless to do so, that if they really wanted to work on their M they should always come together. I did check and find out he had talked to OW on the phone while he was away, and that probably made him depressed. Well, he might just make the connection that OW = depression or unhappiness....again, it might just have been goodbye time. I noticed that OW called him, several times, not the other way around.

25, about me and the double standard.... let me just tell you, one of the reasons I got married at 36, was because I loved my freedom so much. I was single, having fun, with my own money, could do anything I wanted, was professionally way ahead, already a department head in a hospital, driven but impulsive, a risk taker. I am the artistic, creative type, with a temper to match. I am like a man in a sense - I do not even cook, do the groceries, or manage the household. These are things H does for me. He is my complete opposite - traditional, domesticated, organized, treads the straight and narrow.

Getting married to me was clipping my wings.... but I loved my H and my D to death, and gradually learned to compromise and settle. I understand that with a family, risk taking is no longer an option. I let my logical, scientific, thinker self take over, and sometimes, I even tried to emulate my H and become an organizer. I do not believe that being that way is not being myself, its just aother aspect of me taking over. But sometimes, why I sometimes still have that yearning to spread my wings, and I just tell myself that I can do that later, when my D (who by the way has a huge anxiety problem and is absolutely a zero risk taker) is older.

Before I end this post, I do have a question, and some obesrvations which I would like to know if those who have passed through this felt also:

At this point, will it be OK to start showing him affection and love? My H is not the affectionate type, and waiting for him so I can mirror might not work, or might mean a looong time. I am trying to feel him out to see if he is ready, but at this point, I think he will be overwhelmed.

About my feelings: I got so comfortable with DBing and being detached that I am afraid when I have moments of closeness, afraid of opening up and bieng hurt or having expectations. Even during ML, I found myself feeling strange, like being a third person inside me, analyzing my feelings at that point that I could not really get into the feeling of bonding and intimacy.

I find myself wanting closeness but being afraid at the same time. I have to leave the room after a whole day of being together. I find myself at a loss for word, no conversation, when we are together. Normally I am a very loquacious, never running out of things to say kind of person, am witty and entertaining with other people. Now, when I am with H, I desperately search in my mind for a safe topic but could not come up with any.

Is that the effect of training myself not to say anything?

Will my natural ebullience come back?