NYC, in all those qualities that you indicate... your "stereotype"...
I would submit you don't have to change them... just SHIFT them... to be less focused on your W and more focused on yourself and your kids...
LOYAL to YOU and your KIDS... DEPENDABLE to YOU and your KIDS... ALWAYS THERE for your KIDS...
You do not need to be those things for your W...
If your focus changes... even if you do the same things... your W is likely to feel that you aren't doing things for her...
It may not be entirely clear how that came out... it doesn't have to be done in a way that's punitive nor disrespectful...
But none of the moments that you aren't specifically focused on your kids or yourself... does not need (perhaps should specifically NOT be) focused on your W...
You may feel you are giving your W her space... it is very likely your W is not feeling it... she can absolutely feel the complete loss of you, even though you are still there... in the same way that you feel the loss of her, even though she is still there...
Be her mirror... she is the perfect teacher for you... in the same way she acts and behaves with you (except for overly rude stuff), behave the same way... she will notice you've "checked out"... do it long enough and she will believe it's real...
