Living with groundlessness

[AntoniaB]

So, you see how I said that I didn't care anymore if I found someone? Well, I went out tonight to buy myself dinner and a few drinks to my favorite bar/restaurant and I ended up running into the guy I met 2 weekends ago, the one who was just coming off a nervous breakdown due to his divorce and job loss. He remembered me VERY well, and remembered like everything I said when I met him/talked to him. He's doing a ton better, has some job prospects lined up/interviews/etc., and is just really sounding terrific and kept saying that talking to me was so helpful, that he really turned a corner that weekend.

Well we talked more "deeply" I guess you could say than before, during which he told me that he was intimate with one woman since his divorce, and how that really was an important step for him in the process of recovery, and how it helped his self-esteem, all that...

And guess what? I could kinda sorta maybe see a path, that if I got this guy drunk enough/flattered him/etc., I could probably "seal that deal" (it having been like, 600 days or something without any intimacy for me...) and he's a very articulate, smart, very good looking and fit guy, and you know what?

I just had no interest.

I like talking to him if I run into him...but I just feel nothing.

I don't get it. Here's the thing, and AJM you mentioned that I came off as "nervous" when I talked about men, and I agree...when I am sitting at a bar and a "stranger" comes up, 9 chances out of 10, I sort of get this guard up, it's physical almost, I can feel it. I feel it if the guy is like someone that seems stupid or neanderthal or whatever. I don't know how else to describe the type. Typical "Lower-slower Delaware."

But this guy doesn't do that to me at all...he's well-dressed, he's got all his teeth (I kid you not he made a JOKE about having all his teeth), he seems like a down-to-earth nice guy), so he doesn't freak me out like most. BUT. I feel nothing.

The only reason I tell you all this is: I think this is GOOD.

I think this means that XH didn't "kill" in me the belief that there are some people we just click with, who are "meant" for us, and some who aren't. I really thought he killed that in me. That he killed all notion of the "fairy tale", so to speak (and I am an expert/researcher in fairy tale studies and I thought, you know, how ironic, XH destroyed this for me).

But he did NOT. ALL I could think talking to this guy was, Antonia, you can be friends with him. That's cool. But there is a guy you will click with, and it won't be him.

I dunno. I just think that despite the fact that I'm going home alone for like the hundredth time, this is good??

Maybe??

I just ain't settlin' ;-)