Separated But Living Under the Same Roof

[sandi2]

Does your W work outside of the home? I am not sure I'm getting the correct picture here, so help me out.

Frankly, given the way I have stepped it up, on many nights there are very few chores for her to do. I should like your opinion on whether my new-found (and long-overdue) contributions to issues of family maintenance are working in my best interest.

What does your W do while you are doing all these chores?

If she stays home with the children, I know she must be ready for a little break by the time you get home. However, if she's leaving things for you to do......I would suggest you be careful not to over-kill. IMHO, that's what you are doing. Cleaning the kitchen after dinner, bathing the kids and getting them in bed, and picking up toys & clutter.....should be enough. But when you try to do all of her work.....then it will actually have a negative affect on the attraction. It's hard to explain. I remember when dating, the boys that tried too hard were not the ones who drew my attention. In fact, there were some that it just turned me off.

If your W was sick, or had been up all night with one of the kids (something like that), then yes, do more of the work load. But when it's related to M problems.....it's not good to do everything like you're doing.

You have spoke of clutter a couple of times. My H could easily become a hoarder. It drives me insane! I am embarrassed by the way our back yard looks b/c the storage building is spilling over. He doesn't want me to touch any of his stuff, but he won't throw it away. I can't tell you what a negative impact that has had on me over the years. So, I'm glad you are working on your garage and even if your W doesn't say anything, I'll bet she is relieved to see the job you're doing.

I want to warn you not to expect her to say or show any positive response to any of the chores you're doing. The reason is b/c she will resent a lot of your work, simply b/c it took her threatening to D you before you started doing these things she's wanted you to do. So, she's going to think to herself, "too little too late". You must do these things b/c you want to have your home looking nice, or whatever, but not to kiss up and hope she's going to be impressed. Watch yourself, b/c even if you say you don't expect any thanks from her.....it will be easy to feel disappointed at no response at all.

Regarding you forgetting things about schedules, etc., why not have a big calendar on the frig where she can pencil in the activities or schedule for certain dates. Just ask her if she'll work with you on that for everyone's sake. The more we have on our minds, the more we forget.

I said no and I told her that it was not a big deal and to go and have fun. Did I handle this correctly?

Yes, I think you did fine. Michele tells us to pick our battles, meaning that we are not to make every hiccup a major battle. She is going to do things that will try your patience, but just try to stay calm, and don't argue with her.

My W says the C is "new agey" and makes her feel comfortable as a woman. My W has told me that she feels "lost" in her life and is discussing those feelings with her C.

I think a lot of women are encouraged to leave their H, and/or family, to "go find themselves" or "do whatever makes you feel happy" in some of these new-age C sessions. That C will not help your W in the M. In fact, you may be the problem that's preventing your W from being happy. If she's not saying much about the sessions, then that could be why, but that's just me.