Need HOPE & Advice

[jbnati]

PERSEVERENCE -

First of all, thanks so much for serving our country!!

One thing you will see around here is to avoid mind reading. It will only drive you crazy. Take the email as a small positive indicator you are on the right track, and leave it at that. Keep working on yourself and look for other future indicators.

I'm glad you have some appointments set up for when you get back. This is a very good step in improving yourself. I think will get you some mileage in showing your W you are making some changes.

It's good news, too, that you W has agreed to delay the D talks until after the New Year. This will give you more time to work on yourself. Like Val mentioned, DB'ing is also about saving yourself. This is a golden opportunity to work on becoming your best possible self.

I believe this situation could have happened for a much greater purpose than you can imagine. I think you're already taking some good steps to work on yourself. Keep heading in that direction.

[PERSEVERANCE]

Really need to get home Afghanistan Thanksgiving was alright….not the same as being home though – sure miss the family. Ironically, my wife & children had T-giving with the Catholic Priest who married us ( we became close friends & he is the Godfather to both boys). At least I should be home for Christmas. I call home often to speak with the kids. I don’t call my wife’s cell # …but she picks up the home phone sometimes. Our conversations are pretty brief, mostly business etc. I make it a point not to say Love or talk about the R, her IC, the future etc. Our last conversation about the R was when she told me about 2 weeks ago that she spoke with a lawyer for advice ( I’m sure it was prompted by her pro-divorce IC). She cried, sent an emotional email & said that she loved me. Since then…all business.
Question: Should I invite her to any of my GAL activities that I have planned ( Yoga or skiing/snowboarding)?... or is this just for me.
I heard that she is planning a small welcome home party for me- Is this an olive branch, or do you think that she simply thinks that we can get divorced & then hang out n be best buddies like when we were in college?
For the time being, she will stay in our home (seperate rooms)… She did mention the possibility of getting an apt close to our home so she could help with the kids… but financially, I don’t think that I can handle the extra expense, especially since I took a six figure pay cut when the economy tanked…In case you don’t know my sitch, I’m in the guard/reserves- so the military is just my pt job.

[PERSEVERANCE]

Daily rambling thoughts : )
I believe that she is planning a small welcome home party for me- Is this an olive branch, or do you think that she simply thinks that we can get divorced & then hang out n be best buddies?
*Should I casually invite her to any of my GAL activities ( yoga or snowboarding/skiing for example)…. Or is this just for me.
I’m pretty sure that their isn’t OM… just issues that we ignored until she couldn’t stand it anymore. I truly am embracing the 180/ self improvement. Just praying that she she will eventually notice & change her mind about the D. This is tough- I have been interacting with her (by ph & email only until I get home)… interacting with her like she was a close co-worker or friend, no R talk at all. R topic hasn’t come up since shortly after the D bomb was dropped-
*Do I just go about my everyday business, acting like “house-mates” until she brings up the R or D topic? Someone suggested that I be pro-active and bring up the D subject & ask how soon it could get accomplished, to show her that I’m anxious to move on….. Sounds like bad advice to me. What do the DB Veterans think about that & inviting her to yoga some night?
Thanks Everyone…. Leaving the sandbox soon..can’t wait to get home, it’s been a horrible deployment

[Valeska19]

Pers,

I believe that she is planning a small welcome home party for me- Is this an olive branch, or do you think that she simply thinks that we can get divorced & then hang out n be best buddies?

It could be a range of things... that's why mindreading is a bad idea. Consider it a nice gesture, be appreciative, but don't attach expectations to any of it.

*Should I casually invite her to any of my GAL activities ( yoga or snowboarding/skiing for example)…. Or is this just for me.
I’m pretty sure that their isn’t OM… just issues that we ignored until she couldn’t stand it anymore. I truly am embracing the 180/ self improvement. Just praying that she she will eventually notice & change her mind about the D. This is tough- I have been interacting with her (by ph & email only until I get home)… interacting with her like she was a close co-worker or friend, no R talk at all. R topic hasn’t come up since shortly after the D bomb was dropped-

I think you may have to play this by ear a bit. Did you and your w spend all your time together or did she complain about not spending enough time together?

*Do I just go about my everyday business, acting like “house-mates” until she brings up the R or D topic? Someone suggested that I be pro-active and bring up the D subject & ask how soon it could get accomplished, to show her that I’m anxious to move on….. Sounds like bad advice to me. What do the DB Veterans think about that & inviting her to yoga some night?

Yes I think you do go about your everyday business. That doesn't mean acting like housemates.. it means acting as if things will be alright. How soon until you can read DB and DR?

If you don't want a Divorce, I HIGHLY suggest not pushing it Although parts of this is a chess game, do not make any huge move like that unless you are willing to live with the consequences.

Slow down a bit sweetie.. You're overthinking a little bit. Get yourself home safely and see what you are walking into when get back in the states.

[In_Shock]

It is DEFINITELY a chess game, and most of us learn the rules as we go. Val is right. You're overthinking (something I do constantly) Once you are home, there will be plenty of time to reassess the sitch. Read the article also about WAS somewhere on this site if you haven't.

[PERSEVERANCE]

Good advice-- I get to read the books when I get home... mailed there because I'll be traveling a ton in the next couple of weeks...transient living/ several countries. I'll be patient & let her lead...I don't want to scare her away. We used to spend tons of time together- walks,gym,outdoor activities & quiet time just talking or watching movies...but the last 2-3 years we both have traveled a ton & became distant. I was angry that she was always traveling ( for work)....the angrier I got, the more she would run away & find an excuse to travel. Would love to get back eventually to the happy place - where we spent quality time together & with the kids.

[PERSEVERANCE]

Thanks IS
I read about the WAW/WAS - it was informative. I understand that I was the catalyst....so many of the issues were my fault. I am working on myself / so I'll be better equipped emotionally & mentally in the future. Eventually , she will notice that the changes will be lasting.
Yup...PATIENCE is one of my 180s. Maybe its the setting that I'm in--I remember a line from a book "Time has a heaviness you can feel when theres nothing to do but wait, when its sits accross your shoulders like a yoke" ... Thanks again- I'm praying for all of us to find peace and happiness.
P.

[Coyote]

"I believe that she is planning a small welcome home party for me- Is this an olive branch..."

It's an olive branch. If she follows through with the party, cool. Be appreciative, spend time with her, talk to her but try not to get 'too' excited or clingy with her. Don't want to spook her. As you've heard before, let her initiate 'R' talks. Let her set the pace for this kind of thing.

"...or do you think that she simply thinks that we can get divorced & then hang out n be best buddies?"

Sometimes, probably. Then, often, she remembers the good times with you. Pines about it then gets confused. Maybe even says something weird after...(Sigh) Water off a duck's back...

For now, be her friend. Let her know you're harmless, someone she can get close to, can be trusted and not something to run away from. Pique her interest. Leave the, 'we can get divorced & then hang out n be best buddies' for later. (Strangely, this one's pretty common. I heard it myself. Redirect discussion on this. You know that if either of you were with someone else there would be no 'we.' Talking about this with her would probably cheese you off and there goes the little party...)

" interacting with her like she was a close co-worker or friend, no R talk at all. R topic hasn’t come up since shortly after the D bomb was dropped- "

This is good actually! Keep it up. Let her bring the D bomb up. If she does, then, 'If this is what you really want then I won't hold you back. I would prefer to work this through with you. You can be a great person. I enjoy spending my time with you, especially when we're working together as a team. But if you feel you need to go your own way in life then again, I won't hold you back.'

"Someone suggested that I be pro-active and bring up the D subject & ask how soon it could get accomplished, to show her that I’m anxious to move on..."

Bad advice. Need I say anything on this? Ok, I will anyway.

She's in 'run' mode. Yes, you have things to work on in the M, sure. Listen to what she has to say. Especially if it rings a bell, 'Hmm, maybe she's right. Guess I could have done that better.' Yup, keep working and sorting this stuff through.

However, she's also running from herself as much as, if not more than she's running from you. Unfortunately, an S is usually the first target of a running S's frustration. Don't escalate this war. A running spouse will take it to the next level, trust me.

To show that you're anxious to move on with a full and interesting life (not necessarily away from her) keep active, improve things that make a difference, for both you and/or herself. Let go of things that hold you back. Be proactive even, just not in the way that you were advised.

"What do the DB Veterans think about inviting her to yoga some night?"

I say, why not!

[PERSEVERANCE]

Thanks Coyote,

Great advice- especially like
'If this is what you really want then I won't hold you back. I would prefer to work this through with you. You can be a great person. I enjoy spending my time with you, especially when we're working together as a team. But if you feel you need to go your own way in life then again, I won't hold you back.'

Have a great weekend
P

[workinghardguy]

Those words are eerily close to what I told my W some time ago. While it certainly hasn't resolved our sitch... she has largely stopped running farther away, we can be civil with each other and even enjoy each other at times, and she has told me that she believes I really do understand that she wants out and she appreciates the space. So... for what it's worth it's done its intended purpose. Just suxx that the intended purpose is so not what we want.