Rick - Thanks for checking in. I don't find it weird at all. Been running a gambit of feelings the past few days since my w emailed me about the car. Very typical stuff yet exhausting.
Thanksgiving was really good. I woke and was sad that I wasn't spending it with my wife.. but no tears. I just couldn't be anything but thankful. God just sent me reminders all day.. from loving text messages from friends and family, to having dinner with friends to Black Friday shopping for 6 hrs. I had a bunch of people call and be like "You sound really happy for this being your 1st Thanksgiving alone... I was like.. I know but I can't seem to stay sad". I laughed and smiled all day.
At one point I really struggled with sending a text message to w wishing her a "Happy Thanksgiving". Ultimately I decided against it.
I have reached out to my w sooo many times in the past 9 years... but the truth is... I just can't anymore. She's run away.. and I need to let her run. She knows if she ever wants to stop and reach out... I'm here.
Well she didn't reach out. It didn't really bug me on the day. I sincerely had a good time and missed her very little.
I can't say I'm surprised by her action but I woke up pretty p!ssed off.. and I'm still feeling angry in all honesty.
I think I do a fairly good job of trying to understand her perspective and validate her feelings.. but I'm struggling.
Everything is on her timeline. She decides when to open up to me..when to reach out.. and it takes it's toll on me. Two wks ago she spills her guts... no contact since and can't even wish me "Happy Thanksgiving" although we ended on a friendly note.
I'd understand it if I was a b!tch to her.. or if I was a crying mess.. but I've only really depicted my true self for awhile which is a happy and confident woman..
I hope I don't sound cocky.. I just know that I'm a different person.
so why do I put up with it? Oh right.. caz I still have hope. Caz I still want to be married to her.
*sigh*
I guess I'm just in a phase where I wish I knew what was working and what wasn't. 97% of my DBing has really been about myself. With the little contact I have, that's been my only option. I know MDW talks about things taking longer when there is no contact.. but i don't think she meant 7 months longer.
Not that I had my hopes up, but I thought maybe something worked 2 wks ago. Maybe that's why I felt the need to text her yesterday and feel the need to ask her about the Christmas charity.. because I'm trying to get back some control over my sitch....
.... which I clearly don't have any control over.
Maybe she noticed me two weeks ago... because I really committed to this being over. That I was going to take care of myself and had set up some good boundaries. That I wasn't going to be angry but that I wasn't really going to focus on her needs or wants. That if she wanted me out of her life.. That was ok and I was prepared to move on.
Urgh...enough of the hamsterwheel. I'm a fixer... and some things can't be fixed.
I'm going to go GAL the sh!t out of my weekend.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
