That's ok. As I've said before, I'm still learning from backslides even after 6 years. The idea is to get them smaller, less frequent but most of all, learn from them. You'll get better with this. Also, learn to forgive yourself.
"H was pressuring me to sign the papers..."
I know you may not want to hear this but you should see a family lawyer. You are not going there to initiate anything on the D front. But you do need to find out what your legal options are and how to proceed if H really moves forward on this. Some more tips on this,
1. One who's recommended by others is best. Especially one who has a reputation for being knowledgeable, competent, doesn't push the D thing and/or try to drag things out.
2. Don't let H know you've been to see a lawyer. No need to antagonize him if you don't have to.
3. Often, consultation is free for about an hour on the first visit. Make sure you find out about the fees involved and any payment plans.
Note: If H pushes ahead with this it's not the end of the world. Unfortunately you can't stop it when a WAS is hellbent on this.
Actually, I've seen a number of reconciliations even after the D was final. In short, usually happens after a bit when the WAS finds out the grass was actually 'greener' back over the fence they just jumped over. Just have to be patient. Be pleasant, non threatening and understanding. Work on things.
(Heck, I even heard of one where they both remarried others, then 'D'd' their new spouses, then renewed their vows back with each other. Whatever floats the boat...)
I know this is not easy when what you really want to do is tell H where to go and what you 'really' think of his lousy attitude! Resist this, vent elsewhere. Vent here. There's lots of us here who can take it.
"I pushed him inquiring about the motives for the rush and he wouldn't give me anything."
I would let this go. Do a 180 and stop asking about the motives altogether. Leave him wondering about this. Could pique his interest in the long haul...
"He can get really nasty "
Then, text back if it's getting bad, 'If you are unable to be civil right now then I'm sorry, I can't respond to you when you are like this. I will be happy to talk to you later when you have cooled down.'
"I'm not sure what to think of all this. I just really want him to come home.... but I know he won't. Not for a long time if ever."
When going through this we just want this to be over and pronto! 'Why can't H just come back and things could be the way they were?!'
As said before, and I wish I could say different but this is a process. Steel yourself. This type of thing takes time. Probably anywhere from as little as six months to a couple years before you're in the clear. Sometimes more but good things are worth waiting for.
H has to things to work through. Even without that you both have things to work through. Both together and with yourselves. When real sunlight starts breaking through H will start being genuine and not just the momentary, up/down flashes you've been seeing. Yes, things'll be different from before but it'll be worth it.
"I'm so hurt and confused..."
I'm really sorry you find yourself in this. I know this one. So many others here do too. Know that you're not alone.
Keep up the good work. The worst thing you could do now is roll over, do nothing and wallow in misery. With something like this you'll 'really' be hurting if you do nothing. Wish we could all give you a big hug
Big Note Here: I was looking back through the posts from everybody commenting on your sitch. I have to say some very good things there. Go back over the posts here. Many times if you have to. Again, keep working through this one step at a time. You wont be disappointed you didn't, I can guarantee that!
Coyote
I haven't posted much in the last seven years. I've been a lurker. Just lookin' to put back all the good help I've gotten...
