You probably don't remember me, but I visited and posted on this forum briefly about a year and-a-half ago. I came here after desperately searching the internet for answers on how to save my marriage and found this supportive, informative community.
My (then)37 year-old husband was showing obvious signs of MLC, I learned- spending less and less time with the kids and me, hanging out with a (lot) younger crowd, irresponsibly quitting his good job just because, putting more attention on his looks, buying "toys" such as a race car, suddenly hated me with a PASSION... I later learned he had also begun having an affair with a 19 year-old.
In November 2009, just a few months after I first started noticing a change in him, my H said, "I love you, but I am no longer in love with you." He wanted a divorce. I begged and pleaded with H to work on "fixing" us and making our marriage work instead. He agreed, but was resistant to everything. In April 2010, we physically separated.
I immediately fell apart. The first few months after our separation were extremely difficult. Not only was I dealing with the devastation of losing my husband and our failed marriage of nine years, but now my H was suddenly treating me as if I was his worst enemy! Every contact I had with H was hostile, manipulative, exaggerated... emotionally exhausting. This kept my mind rolling with questions and the need to figure out why and how to stop his madness. Almost all of my focus was on H and his MLC.
After reading over the many informative posts on this forum, and considering the wonderful replies to my early posts, I realized the most important thing I could do was to detach from him and focus on me and my kids. It wasn't easy (nor have I been able to fully even after two years)! I really wanted my H and marriage back, and worried that detaching and moving forward without him would cost me any chance of ever reconciling with H. ...but I KNEW it wasn't fair to me and my kids to put our lives on hold waiting for H as he journeyed through LaLa Land without even the guarantee that he'll ever wanna be married to me again.
I enrolled my three young boys into a counseling program through their school. I began individual counseling with an amazing counselor named Cindy. With the help of Cindy, I immediately realized I was dealing with a LOT more than my sad feelings over the failing of my marriage. My husband had been abusive our whole marriage (in every way). I KNEW this, but had honestly never considered it was NOT my fault and he was WRONG for treating me so badly. I had gone numb and denied any feelings I had about the abuse. Cindy determined I was suffering from PTSD. (So were my children:-( ) I spent the next few months coming to grip the fact that my marriage was always disfunctional, my husband was never really a good man. *That last part is still VERY hard for me.
Today, I am still sad and confused by my husband's MLC (which is still going strong). I am sad that my marriage couldn't be fixed and I will be filing for divorce at the beginning of next year (when I have enough money to do it). BUT... I am thankful I took the advice of many here in this online community and detached from him and began working on ME and my kids. I am not sure I would've ever been able to confront and deal with the painful abuse I endured all those years with my H had I not seeked out counseling. I am SAFE now! I am stronger and he is weaker now. My kids and I are doing okay...
M: 34 WAH: 38 (in MLC) Together: 11 years Married since: November 2000 DS: 15 DS: 11 DS: 10 ILYBINILWY: Dec. 2009 Living separately since: April 2010
RLay, I do remember you. Thanks for coming back and posting.
You sound good and strong and getting stronger. No one deserves what you have gone through. I admire the courage it took for you to pull yourself and your children out of that situation and no longer accept the kind of treatment you endured.
Yes i remember you and I agree with SA...you sound strong.
Quote:
I spent the next few months coming to grip the fact that my marriage was always disfunctional, my husband was never really a good man. *That last part is still VERY hard for me.
Change is hard...it is also very freeing. You husband may not have been a good man but it does not mean that he one day will not be a good one. Ya just never know. Either way you are taking the right steps in focusing on you and your kids.
It does get better RLay...it really does.
Peace, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Sounds like your H did you a favor by leaving. Keep growing and getting strong.
Me:57 H:52 M:28 Got another lawyer last year and filed. D35,S/D twins28,D22 EA4/04 End? Who knows? "Life is like a mirror. Smile at it and it smiles back at you." — Peace Pilgrim
RL, I am thinking along the same lines that you are. Although I was happy during a part of the M, there are certain things that I now look back on and recognize that they just were out of scope of normal R.
Abusive? I am thinking on that.
M: 16 years Bomb 4/07 OW 20s long gone Divorced 11/09 I remarried New Guy Cooperative r w/X regarding D
