Forward, slow as she goes

[BeingMe]

We have started with the fixup, and I doubt he can buy me out ... capital is in the business and property. We should be able to sell next spring. God! I hope so. I think I would stay here for another year, but then move to where I have grandchildren. I've been saying this for a couple of years, but it has to come to an end sometime. He's home now, after being away for 3 weeks. My stomache is in an uproar. He'll be leaving again on Thursday for a month, and I'll have some peace. But this riptide backwards and forwards is killing me emotionally. He says he's "going with the flow". I wonder if he even knows what that means, to him, to me, and to our family. Perhaps I can organize things with a lawyer, and serve him when he gets back, and he can just sign, and we can be done. But, he says if I go to a lawyer, then that's going to be a fight .... this is him being in control. I must take back my life.

[BeingMe]

So, H left on Thurs for another 3 weeks away from "home". I am so glad that I am not into the Christmas thing, otherwise it would be pretty sad not having someone to shop with me. It's always the children putting up the decorations, and H and D19 had the tradition of getting a tree. I guess that's over ... we didn't have a tree last year. My thing was making the Christmas feast, and I think I did a pretty good job, when I did it, which was a couple of years ago. We tend to be somewhere else nowadays, which is fine with me. Do I sound bah-humbug-ish? I guess I am somewhat. All the stories about miracles, and joy, and merriment, just seems a little false. Years ago, I used to believe the magic. Carols used to ring through our house, and I would hum and sing. Not anymore, I have seen behind the cut-out Santa Claus board. You know what's there? Little elves smoking and playing cards and counting their money. Why should there be Christmas miracles? Why not everyday, ordinary sorts of miracles, like H freaking well waking up!!! But, if he does now, it's too late. The bell has rung, the choir has gone home, the kids have grown up, and he chose to be a jerk. And, I finally, finally got the message.

He was acting mean to me the other day. You know, that low key type of mean, passive-aggressive, that you're not sure if it is, but deep down you really know that he's being impatient with you, and holding back. As per my new way of handling him ... I just ignored it, and walked away. But, I was feeling sick and sad still. I was at my computer and I put on some music to help soothe me ... good ol' Celtic dancing music. Woo Hoo! I just decided right there and then to get up and start dancing, twisting around, my hands in the air. H was lying on the couch. He looked up and asked me what I was doing. I replied, "dancing". "Why," he asked. "Because it makes me happy," I said. "Come dance with me," I asked. He just looked at me as if I was nuts. And maybe I am, but my mood changed, and I showed him that I can dance alone, and he missed a good opportunity. Right there, I knew, he was always going to be a grumpalumps (not always, but generally), who moans and whines, and can't dance with his W because he thinks he'll look foolish. So what! My D19 came up to see what I was doing, and she started to sing to the music. It was FUN!

[beatrice]

Hmmmmmm OK I get that you are depressed, and I am sorry for that. but you are choosing how you act, and allowing your h's behaviour to influence you. That isn't just his loss it is yours too, and it doesn't have to be.

To be blunt, in some ways your h appears no worse, and seems a lot 'better' than some MLcers, although I agree that no-one can live someone else's situation, and passive agressive is hard to live with.

Anyway, why don't you change your attitude - it worked with the dancing. Do it for yourself. Get a tree, start new traditions.

Your h doesn't sound like a very happy and fulfilled man, but at least he is providing a roof over your head. This is the 7th Christmas i have shopped alone. I have learned to like it. We made new traditions. If you don't want to do christmas then don't, but why not do it diferently. It is materialistic if we allow it to be. Last years everyone in the close family agreed to get recycled or used gifts - from good-will shops or made from recycled materials, and not spend very much. Lots of fun, and doing a bit for the planet.

BeingMe, you have been here a long time, and I do understand that you feel fed-up and tired out, but celebration is important to us. Even if there doesn't seem much to celebrate. you are choosing to be like this, no-one is making you. So 2 x 4 from me. cheer up and count your blessings. like 25 years said. you aren't in Africa for starters. You have healthy and happy kids. Find 6 things every day to be grateful for - as trivial as having a bubble bath or enough to eat [which isn't trivial at all] You are able to continue your education, you have a nice home, and can visit your kids in Europe.

[BeingMe]

Beatrice, it's funny, but my friend was saying the same thing ... he supports us well, and I am grateful. But, you know, I would live in a shack with him, if he truly loved me, and TRIED. I won't say I am depressed, just a tad cynical about my H. I know it'll work out one way or another, and I can feel there is something building up. I feel he is hiding something, and it will be revealed in his own good time ... since discussing anything with me on a continuous basis would be ridiculous. I suspect in the new year. H is very fulfilled in his career ... I think his career is the love of his life.

You have no idea how much I have changed my attitude, but I can understand why you would think that I haven't. 180 is my middle name now. Before, if he said something mean, or acted harshly, I would immediately defend myself, but now I just walk away. And, I find the dancing helps me. I dance for exercise too, with the Wii machine.

This is where I vent, so that I can have a good attitude at home. If I couldn't vent here and share my thoughts (which I don't do with many people), I would go crazy, but I do appreciate the 2x4 from Beatrice. We have been at this for a long time, and now, finally he has told me that it was a mistake for us to have tried again, and that he doesn't love me. As if I didn't know that already.

I am actually done with the M ... I feel happier when he is away. I just have to work up to the point of legalizing everything. He is rarely at home, often on the other side of the country, or overseas. In the last five weeks, he's been home for one week. When he is here, he's working. So, I have no idea how we are going to find the time to get down to the point of doing the work of getting a divorce.

PS My previous post was tongue in cheek, but I do feel the whole Christmas season is a materialistic commercial gimmick. I do still buy gifts and take part (gives people jobs), but that's just how I have come to feel. I will dance, and sing, and write, and laugh, and be my best self, and sometimes that means feeling a little sad, but it doesn't last long.

[beatrice]

I do appreciate how important it is to be able to vent, but I hope it is useful to have people point out the positives in our lives. Yes, i am sure you would rather be with someone who expressed his love for you, and be poor, but all I was trying to say is that many people have even less than you - their h has left, and they have huge financial worries. It isn't a case for them of 'having' to buy the gifts alone, but not even being able to afford any.

But do have a good moan if it helps!! just don't forget to have a laugh at yourself when it is over. I wouldn't have written this if I didn't like you.

[BeingMe]

I know, Beatrice. And I welcome them 2x4's. It wakes me up to what I do have, and what I have, I do appreciate. Believe me. We struggled a lot, financially, in our first 15 years, or so, of M. I had to work too. Now that we are more stable, we have other issues, but we can buy our kids more expensive presents, help out with money with those who have left home, pay for education, etc. It is a blessing.

And, I laugh at myself a LOT. You can't go through a life changing situation such as H's MLC/A, and cancer without realizing the weirdness of life.

I do welcome your advice.

[WCW]

BM, it's good that you don't make light of the fact that your H is a good provider. Many of us don't have that luxury. I hope you're squirreling for your future.

When your H is home from work can you make yourself scarce? go do those things that take you away from the house, ease the strain on yourself and don't be around him.

My H and I rarely shop together, and I save a lot of money that way!

[BeingMe]

I've been saving a whole 50 bucks since the beginning of the year. LOL That's my squirreling. He controls the finances, and there's not much I can do, except be glad he's paying my uni fees, and if I need extra, like for Christmas, he will give it. He's a good provider in that way.

I do try and get away when he's home, but he wants to tag along. I have no idea what's in his head. He doesn't want me, but he wants to hang out. I am getting so confused. My S24 and I went to pick H up at the airport the last time. My S24 loves his dad, but even he is confused about what he is doing. We have told the kids we are separating (last year, some time) --- he does sleep in the spare room. So, we sleep in separate bedrooms, but then he comes through the airport and gives me a big hug, squeezing tightly, and a kiss (he does the same when he leaves). I warned S24, I said, "watch, and see what he does, and you tell me what gives?" S24 just gave me a shrug ... he doesn't know anymore than I do. He's been doing this for years, even during his weird MLC. He gives such conflicting messages, that I don't know where I stand. I need to get on my own, so I can see what happens then. Will he pursue me, or leave me alone? Then I will know for sure.

Anyway, I'm not making sense to myself now ... gotta go to bed. Thanks y'all for coming onto my thread and advising me. I really appreciate it.

[WCW]

Set your boundaries, just make sure they are enforcable. When you want to leave the house without H, kindly say that you are leaving to do some errands and will be back in 4 hours. Don't give him the option to join you, and if he wants to let him know he is not welcome.

Stop worrying about what reaction will come from your H. Why would you care if he would pursue you or leave you alone? Just carve the single life you want to acheive.

If you don't want those hugs and kisses then set it up that you are unreachable for hugs and kisses. Just be careful what you wish for in case you get it.

[BeingMe]

'Eh, I don't wish for anything anymore, WCW. Lost that along with the big C. But, I do reflect, and wonder. Oh, I am making plans for my single self ... it's just going to take time, and making the right moves. No point in just leaving without some support/plans.