Oh sweetie my heart goes out to you. I had to deal with this with my oldest. It sucked! I would sit around and blame my xw all the time. Lord knows she was very good at subtly bashing me or putting herself in the role of victim.
Here is what i can tell you......first it will get better. You may not see it nor feel it right now. I know i didnt.
Your son right now is probably angry and needs to release it - hence he is acting out. Well your probably saying why me.....i didn't ask for this....this is so not right....why does H get a free pass.....why do i have to deal with this.....i'm so tired......he must hate me......he thinks it is my fault......etc...etc...etc
None of those thought are probably true. What is more likely is...1) he is angry and needs to angry at someone. Most children will take this anger out on the parent they KNOW WILL NOT ABANDON THEM AND THE ONE THAT WILL NOT RETURN THE ANGER. Right now IB that is you. Sorry it is the lot you have been cast. So how do you change it? Ya cant....you must push through it. Allow him to feel his anger but with firm and i mean firm boundaries! He is not allowed to disrespect you. Period! If he does well then he can go to his room or leave. You IB are no ones punching bag! No ones....not your xh, not your sons no ones!
2) some of the behavior is also typical normal teenage behavior. Ya cant take it personal. Easier said than done i know....but do stuff to avoid it as much as possible. You are raising a man! A man that must learn to respect women. That respect starts with you.
3) stop spoiling him. Stop being afraid of what he will do. F it...if he pulls the "i want to live with dad card" ....my response would be..i'm sorry you feel that way, but i respect you and your choices. You will always have a room here.
In terms of disrespecting you....how do you want him to treat his future patner? With respect i assume? If so then he must learn respect...how...rather whom will he learn this from? YOU. How? By showing him that you will respect yourself!
4) he will test. They all do. Hey will try and play you and your xh against each other. They all do. It aint easy IB...but keep walking the high road. Keep being consistent. Keep being firm. Never give up on him! Never. Do not focus on what your xh does with him. Just be you!
Ya know IB i wanted to quit on my son. For almost two years he treated me like chit. Until i said enough. When i finally moved out of the home..he refused to stay with me. When he did come over for a day.....everybody saw how he treated me. Many nights i cried..thank god and thanms to the friends i have on these boards i never quit.
Fast forward a few months.....
My son calls me
He spends more time with me than with his mother
He loves being in our home
He talks to me......open ups now....
Today we are going to the movies....
In closing i leave you with a story from a few days ago...
My son, my daughter (10) and i are in the car. My son starts telling me that his mom is being a pain, that she is so disorganized that it is really getting on his nerves. He said that the two of them had it out. That she does nothing around the house..etc etc. My response was that she is still his mother and that he needs to respect her. My daughter chimes in and says stop bashing mom..she works a lot. My son looks at my D and says........i was against dad for a long time, i gave him hell....dad has had more to deal with than Mom and guess what dad works a lot too but he finds a way to do it. He finds a way....so i am not bashing mom..just calling it the way i see it!
After i smiled inside (as hard as it was a kept a straight face).... i changed the subject to "so you guys hungry".
IB In that moment i realized that taking the high road, that establish healthy boundaries, that not quitting, that being consistent......paid off!
Not easy sweetie...but look you and i have already dealt with mlc cheating spouses that demonized us....what makes you think we cant deal with this.
Hold on sweeties.....he is gonna be eating out of your hand in no time.
You know how to reach me.....
God bless Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
