It's not easy, IB. It's easy to have kids, but raising them is a whole different ball of wax...
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My youngest son - will be 18 in a few weeks - has been a true challenge for me the last few months. He is defiant, disrespectful and he is now bordering on incorrigible.
I'm SURE everyone will disagree with me but if that were my son, and he was taking out his aggression over his father on me, I'd stop going to his games.
In a way it's "not personal", it's misdirected...he's projecting his anger at his dad onto you
Sons and daughters are *supposed* to be a challenge. If they were not, they would live with you forever, no? I think Antonia is right about the "it's not personal". Think about it. He needs a parent that is a PARENT. He doesn't need a friend. You are the "safe" parent. He can be himself and safely express his anger without thinking you'll run away. He's right. You won't.
Antonia is also right that I won't agree you should stop going to his games. You should love him despite his behavior. You should set boundaries and very slowly change the way you parent as you come back to center from over compensating. He's been through a lot at a turbulent point in his life, but he needs a parent. You're it. Be that parent, but understand and respect the changes he is going through. He needs you to parent differently than you have since he is an adult for practical purposes. A young one, but an adult just the same.
My daughter has done similarly. Sad for me, but it's part of it. She has taken on her mother's anger. She has become her mother for practical purposes and is "trying" on that persona. Seems natural if not grotesque at this point considering her mothers state of perpetual anger. But that's how it works.
Wear it like a badge of honor. Know that a son will NEVER abandon his mother as he learns to leave the nest. He'll use you to learn and to push away because you are the foundation he needs. Years from now he will thank you profusely for being his mother even during the difficult times and for showing him how to handle difficulties; I know I thank my mother for what she did for me. In short, he will learn from you by watching how you handle things. He will learn from his father as well, but you are in the trusted position and can do the most damage if not careful. You are in the position to make the damage your husband did insurmountable for your son.
He is 17 almost 18. Anger is the easy emotion to express and it is part of his learning, not personal. His father being there or not, would likely just give him a differet target. But in this case, his father is not "safe" to express his emotions to. That's hard on a boy his age. Having a mother is essential though as well and it is normal for a boy his age to push away from his mother even in united family units.
Give him the gift of his mother's unconditional love and wear it as a badge of honor that you are able to be sane and be his parent and to give him that love. I know if you didn't care, you wouldn't even complain
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
