I don't know what constitutes an addiction. After talking with him about it again, he said he "felt a need to go look at least every day, sometimes for an hour or so". In his words he says "It was addicting". It never interfered with our intimacy.
To be honest, I think he's never stopped looking at it at all. I think he's been looking at it throughout our entire marriage. Just a intuitive feeling I got last night.
I don't think putting a porn block on the computer is the answer. It doesn't take away the desire he may have to look, so what's the point? And if he is putting it on, he can take it off... go have a look, then stick it back on again. Having that in place is not going to make me feel better either.
You are right though, I'm trying to keep what I went through with my first marriage separate from this one, but the porn has triggered old stuff to come up.
I feel like I'm having an awakening of my own since I found out about his porn viewing again. I have feelings of re-evaluating my life and what I want for me now. Early into db-ing, and gal-ing, it was not totally for me. I was...... faking it until I make it. But the feelings are real and strong now. I look at my H and I think.... "what do I want?" .... not "What does he want?"
Maybe I'm heading into my selfish phase. Maybe he has triggered something in me to take a look at myself.
I've always been attached to my h, and I have loved him more than anything all of these years. I've been to hell and back with him. There was a time I'd do anything for this man. When I found out about his EA and his lies about what he was doing at work, I didn't want to even leave him then. I wanted to save our marriage.
But now.... I feel pulled in the other direction and it kind of worries me. He has decided he wants me and his family. he sees my gal-ing as "being distant" and you know what he wants now? He wants me to come right back to the place I used to be in.... when he wanted to walk out. Which was, home all the time, clingy, easily accessible, attentive to him all of the time, and most of my life and daily activities centered around him.
Things have changed. I still am there for him, and I'm attentive and I'm connected to him, but I'm not as clingy, and my life is not centered totally on him. he doesn't like these changes so much.
Now that he has come out of "crazy mode" as he has called it, he wants me to be the same .... he wants it as if nothing happened.
I can't go back. I don't want to, and I don't think I can. Once I started my GAL.... I found out that I was bored as heck in my life and very asleep in some areas of just living.
let's put it this way, he had plans to go to another state for a job hunt and rent an apartment for all of us because he wants to leave this state now and work in the bay area. When it came time for him to go, he broke down and said he couldn't go without me.... didn't want to be alone and wanted me to go with him as a family in FEB.
Then he admits that he was getting nervous that I'm gone having so much fun lately (about 2 - 3 times a week with friends and new church friends) that he was worried he would leave, that I would not come there when the time was for me to go!
His MLC turned me from a clingy quiet meek woman into a woman who has started taking charge of her own life again.
